Primal
by bellaisapirate
Summary: Fear. She had felt it before, but not like this. Not as intense, as clawing, as primal. Now she knew what it was like living in a nightmare. Now she knew how mortal she was. Now she knew real fear. [Chaptered, Rick/OFC]
1. Prologue

A/N: Welcome to my brand new Walking Dead story. Please leave feedback if you've got it. I don't own any characters appearing in The Walking Dead.

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Silence.

She held her breath, her lungs aching. Silence. Squeezing her eyes shut she prayed for salvation, although she knew it would never come. Silence. Then it was interrupted by a shuffling, and her fingers slipped, sweat making it hard for her to hold on to the gun. She couldn't use a gun, not really, but she had to. Silence again. A deafening silence. She had to let out a huff of air and then fill her lungs anew. Another shuffling. Her back was pressed up against the tree, a short branch threatening to pierce the skin on her left leg, but she ignored it.

"Please," she thought. "Please, help me!"

No one came. No one could come. Shit had hit the fan three months earlier, and from one moment to another, or so it seemed, the world had changed forever. The dead wouldn't stay dead, and everyone around her just kept dying. They'd been ten, originally, but as the days had passed the number had faltered, until it was just her.

Sweat started prickling the small of her back, drops of the salty liquid gracing her skin as they made their way down to the hem of her dirty jeans. She took another breath, slowly, hating herself for needing the air. The dead couldn't be far from her now, and he (it?) probably wasn't alone either. Her heart was crashing against her ribcage, making her feel as if it would break at any moment if she didn't manage to calm it down. She prayed again, for help that couldn't come. The night was pressing down on her, making her feel as if she'd sink to the ground under weight of it all. Finally, she leaned to her left, biting her bottom lip, peeking out from behind the tree.

The scream escaped before she could stop it, when the stench of decayed flesh washed over her. Teeth tried to find her and hands did their best to seize her. Instead of raising her gun, which would have been the smart move, she ran. She twirled out of its grip, praying– again uselessly – that it wouldn't manage to bite her. For a moment she stumbled, but didn't fall, and she was on her way again. Trees slapped her in the face as she scrambled as fast as she could, heading somewhere, anywhere. Truth was she knew she was done for already, but she just wasn't ready to accept it yet. She had never been much, but she wasn't a quitter either.

Without looking behind her she knew that the dead were still coming after her, probably having been joined by others in the pursuit. She allowed herself to swear as she tucked her arms in closer, picking up her speed. During the past three months, Evan Grace Reynolds had learned the true meaning of fear. The primal meaning of fear. A type of fear that had never grasped her before, in her 26 years on earth. As she ran for her life, a herd of dead following her closely, she prayed again, and this prayer would be heard.


	2. One

A/N: I don't own the peeps from Walking Dead. Also, this won't follow any specific storylines from the show. It's possible I'll work in some elements from it, but it won't specifically follow a season and I'll change what I feel like changing. It might have a spoiler or two from season three, but most likely not. The chapters will remain short-ish until the story is on its way properly.

* * *

Evan fell. Her face contorted in pain as she slammed into the ground, her hands trying – and failing – to soften the blow. A shockwave shot through her body, and then the reality of what had just happened hit her. She turned around, gun in an unsteady hand, and aimed. The dead weren't more than a ten or so feet away, and she didn't stand a chance, she knew as much. A soft mewling escaped her lips. "Fuck," she thought, and bent her arm, putting the barrel of the gun to her temple instead. She wouldn't get eaten, she refused to. Evan had made that promise to herself when the world first changed and she intended to keep it. Time seemed to slow around her, as the dead advanced on her, and she did her best to steady the hand that held her life in its grip. Faces of friends and family flashed before her eyes, as her finger graced the trigger. Apologies soared through her mind, to those she had failed and those she had left behind.

BANG.

Evan froze. She hadn't pulled the trigger, and yet the echo of the gunshot still bounced around her in the night air. One of the bodies fell, and then another shot overpowered the sound of her panicked heart and what had been a woman, but now wasn't, stumbled and fell as well.

"Get up!" a voice snarled, but Evan's brain couldn't function. Couldn't process. It tried to send out signals for her to move, but her aching body wouldn't listen. Her arm was still aiming towards her head, but then a hand shot out and seized the gun from her grip. "I said, get up!"

A loud ringing was echoing in her head, but she tried to do as asked. Another hand grabbed her right shoulder roughly and tugged her to her feet, and before she knew it she was running again. All she could see was the night around her, and the stars glittering high above. Trees nicked her and roots tried to throw her to the ground, but she stayed on her feet. All she could hear were gunshots and voices, voices calling to each other, calling to others. How many voices? Evan didn't know, it didn't register in her mind.

Suddenly the forest ended and her feet stepped on a dirt road. Three cars stood parked, and Evan did her best to understand the situation. She had just been dying, hadn't she? She had been done for, she had been ready to blow her brains out, so where was she now? Who were these people? Some of them were shouting, and one of them was pushing her along, yelling something to her. The ringing in her head was too loud, and the ache in her lungs too great. She stumbled, and her shoulder slammed into the side of the car, which was in reality a dark green truck, and she hissed. A woman stood in front of her then, brown hair dancing in the wind, and eyes filled with fear and pity. Her lips were moving, but Evan didn't hear. Didn't understand.

Then she was in the truck, sitting in between two women, her mind whirling. The engine roared, and Evan raised her hands to press them over her ears. Who were these people? A few seconds passed, and then the truck shot forward. Suddenly Evan became aware of her eyes burning, one of her hands wiped at her dirty cheek, and when she pulled it back it was wet. She was crying without realizing it. Someone wrapped an arm around her, but her eyes focused on the passing scenery outside in the night.

* * *

It took Evan nearly 30 minutes before the ringing had subsided enough so that she could hear above it. A man was driving, a man with a scruffy exterior and dark hair. A crossbow was slung around his shoulder and Evan wondered how he was able to drive like that. Evan blinked, slowly, repeatedly. Her eyes darted towards the silhouette of the person in the passenger seat. Another man, this one Asian, and his mouth moving quickly as he spoke words Evan couldn't hear.

"Thank you," Evan said suddenly. Her voice cut the rest of the noise in the truck, as all the others fell silent. The engine still roared, but nothing else could be heard. "Thank you," she repeated.

"Who are you?" the brown haired woman asked, and Evan turned her gaze towards her.

"Evan. My name is Evan." Her heart still hammered against her chest violently, but her breathing had steadied and new tears had stopped building in her eyes.

Silence pressed down on them for a moment, but then the man in the driver's seat spoke. "Evan? Ain't that a man's name?"

"Evan Grace is my full name. But yeah, Evan is a man's name, I suppose."

Another batch of silence.

"Who are you?" Evan turned the question around. She glanced towards the woman to her left, a delicate shorthaired woman with pain clearly written on her face. Evan found herself wondering who she had lost.

"We'll get to that later," the driver said. "For now we need to get back to where we're holding up for the time being. Where's your group?"

The hostility in his voice was unmistakable, and Evan suddenly realized she might have been better off dying in the woods, regardless of the shorthaired woman doing her best to calm her.

"Dead." The word was heavy and painful, and Evan had to wipe more tears from her stinging eyes.

New silence. The scenery outside the windows had changed from dark trees to outstretched fields.

"Please don't hurt me," Evan mumbled then, wrapping her arms around her own fragile form. She felt exposed, her black tank top dirty and worn and her jeans full with holes.

No one answered, the women next to her simply looked out the window and the men in the front were busy glancing at the road. Now Evan saw the other car in front of them, and she realized that the third one must be following closely behind. A shiver ran through her body as she wondered whether she was in more danger now than she had been. Maybe they weren't her saviors after all.


	3. Two

A/N: I've changed the timeline slightly, and edited the prologue for it to make sense. Just fyi. Thanks for the review I got!

* * *

Evan didn't bother pleading when they tied her hands behind her back, or when the Asian man roughly put a piece of cloth over her eyes. She knew there was no point. She had encountered plenty of monsters in the past three months, and unfortunately not all of them had been dead. People had changed too, whether they were deceased or not, and it had become a violent fight for survival out there. Her own group had lost several good people when they encountered a few trigger happy rednecks, and she couldn't blame these strangers for being careful. Especially not since they had women with them, maybe children too.

The drive had lasted for the better part of an hour, but it was still pitch black when they decided to tie her up. When the car finally came to a halt, Evan was pulled out of it without delicacy, and she couldn't help the way her heart started beating faster. For all she knew they were simply leading her off to be executed, regardless of having saved her earlier. The smell of grass was upon her the moment she was out in the night air again, and she relished it. If she was going to die, at least she would have the scent of something that reminded her of home with her. Lowered voices were mumbling around her, but she paid them no attention. She was busy trying to stay on her feet as she was being lead over soft ground, up a small slope.

"Who the hell is that?" someone snapped, and instinctively Evan froze, digging her heels in. The man dragging her didn't stop however, and because of her smaller frame he had no problem moving her with force with or without her co-operation.

"Found her, nearly got eaten."

When the hands let go of their grip Evan fell harshly to the ground, her knees making contact with the grass a lot harder than she wanted.

"And you brought her here?" The first one to speak had been a man, now a woman had piped up.

Several others also spoke, but Evan didn't want to hear. Some were furious at her arrival, and more or less said they should have left her for dead. Others had mercy and pity in their voices, and expressed that they had to stay human, that she was no threat, and that they shouldn't condemn her to death just because she was a stranger. Above their arguing voices she also heard the familiar crackling of a fire, and her lips twitched. The last time her group had had a fire was weeks earlier, and she'd almost forgotten how it felt to sit around a roaring fire on a cold night.

"Hey, what's your name?" the first man asked, and Evan could sense that he was closer than before, kneeling in front of her most likely.

"It's Evan." She paused for a moment, but then thought fuck it, if she had to beg for them to spare her life she would. "My name is Evan Grace Reynolds. I'm twenty-six years old. Before all of this I worked as a kindergarten teacher, and I had a fiancé named Tom. I've stayed alive together with a group of friends and strangers, but now they're all gone." She fell silent again, her words suddenly coming out in stutters as the pain of talking about it all washed over her. "I don't want to die, and I'm not dangerous. I can't really shoot or fight. I- I'm not a threat. I just don't want to die. Not now. Not after everything."

Silence. Evan's heart was roaring in her ears.

"For God's sake, we can't just throw her out of there to die!" This voice was older, kinder. His was one of the voices who had advocated for her life. "She's just one girl, Rick."

Murmurs were heard, some of disapproval and some of agreement.

"Is there anyone else?" Rick spoke, a hand now on her shoulder, holding it tightly to make it clear that she better tell the truth, or else.

Evan shook her head, licking her lips. "I've been running for two days, I think, since the last three people were lost." Her voice broke; she didn't want to think about the horrors that had passed.

His presence disappeared, and she knew he had stood up. For a moment she could hear nothing but the fire.

"Take her to the trailer, and keep watch on her tonight, we'll talk about this later."

She was pulled to her feet again, and Evan let out a gasp of air. Hope had sparked in her chest for the first time since her last friends had died.

Rough hands were replaced by gentler ones. "I'll take her, Daryl." It was the same man who had pleaded to the groups' humanity.

The other man, Daryl, only grunted and then she was being led away, her feet stumbling and slipping, but the gentle hands steading her as best as they could. "Thank you," she murmured into the night.

A conversation had already struck up, seconds after she had been led away, but Evan didn't hear what they were saying. She didn't want to know either. They were discussing whether she would live or die, and she was too tired to find out. The man leading her talked to her about general things, but she couldn't take it in. Her body ached; her limbs worn and tired from running for the past few days. Her mind was dazed and her mind frazzled. For the past two days she had been on the constant run, fear following her every move, and it was finally catching up to her. Evan had never been so tired before in her life.

"There's a step now, careful." The warning wasn't registered, and Evan tumbled forward, the front of her lower legs painfully coming in contact with the steps of the trailer. "Oh, hang on, I've got you."

Stumbling and staggering, Evan finally managed with help to reach a soft mattress at the end of the trailer. She sat down, and the wind was knocked out of her. Her head lulled to the side, and her muscles screamed.

"I'll remove the blindfold and the rope on your wrists, hang on." She didn't move as he did as promised, but she did keep her eyes firmly shut. She wasn't sure she wanted to see who was there, where she was. As long as she was in the dark she could delude herself into thinking she was safe.

When her arms were free they instantly went to wrap around herself, and she pulled her legs up, holding them tightly to her chest.

"My name is Dale."

Slowly, unsure, Evan lifted her head up and opened her eyes, blinking in the soft light of a flash light resting on a counter. Her eyes darted around, taking in her surroundings. The trailer looked like most did; a small kitchen area, a very scarce piece of floor, and a bed where she was currently sitting. Dale was crouching in front of her, his eyes rimmed with concern and honesty. He looked a lot like her uncle James, and a sense of security spread through her body.

"I'm Evan," she responded meekly, trying to find a smile to offer.

"So I heard. Now, just lie down and rest and I'll be right outside the door if you need anything." He rose to his feet, a reassuring smile on his lips.

She didn't even nod. She just fell back against the softness and turned on her side, so that her back was towards the trailer. In spite of herself, and the fear she still felt, Evan fell asleep as soon as she was alone, exhaustion finally overpowering her.


	4. Three

A/N: I'd like to thank **bonnyblonde** and **MunkieMagic **for their kind reviews. Whenever someone leaves a review I get spurred to update a little faster. *hint hint* Anyway, I've been writing like crazy and I'm already up to 73 pages in word. This means that you won't be left hanging before chapter fifteen at the very least. Now, please enjoy another chapter.

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When her eyes opened again light was creeping in through the windows. For a moment Evan couldn't understand why she was lying on something soft, or why she didn't feel cold, but then the previous events came back and she groaned. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes with her left hand and slowly sat up. When she turned around she half-expected a gun to be pointed at her, but she was alone. A raw thirst shook her and she realized she hadn't had anything to eat or drink for much too long. The air inside the trailer was sticky and hot, and the distinct smell of sweat lingered. With one hand moving her tangled brown hair out of her face, and the other resting on her grumbling stomach, she contemplated on whether she should dare to venture outside or not. She saw the door, closed firmly, but hesitated. Maybe they expected her to stay put until they came to declare what sentence they'd given her?

Finally, deciding that she would probably pass out if she didn't get at least some water, she struggled to her feet, and held onto the counter to steady herself. Once, what seemed ages ago, her first concern when waking up would have been to dash to the bathroom. To wash up. To brush her teeth. To put on clean clothes. To make herself presentable. But now that all seemed so far, far away. Obviously she still needed to abide by her body's need for relief, but her appearance had long since been forgotten. Once her dark hair had glimmered in the flares of the sun, and her hazel eyes had sparkled when she smiled. Her soft skin had been clean and smooth. Now her hair was tangled, her clothes dirty, her skin covered in sweat, blood and mud, and she knew that her smell clearly told the story of how long it had been since she last took a shower. And yet, none of these things bothered her, as she eased her way towards the door. Once upon a time she would have died if someone other than her immediate family saw her in such a state, but now it was irrelevant. All that mattered was to stay alive, not how you looked while you did it.

Evan hesitated again when her hand hovered by the handle, unsure of whether it was a good idea or not. She didn't mind coming across Dale, or the shorthaired woman from the truck, but Daryl? Or Rick? Or any of the others who seemed eager enough to let her die? But she had to get a drink of water. And she did have to go to the bathroom too. No amount of stubbornness could control that. She let out a sigh and pushed the door open, blinking in the glaring sun, stunned momentarily by the brightness. More hot air instantly engulfed her, and sweat started prickling at the small of her back.

"You're awake." It was Dale.

"Yeah," she said, breathing in deeply, relief washing over her. A friendly face meant a lot.

She stepped down, her converse shoes scraping against the ground. She closed the door behind her and glanced around. Apart from the trailer she'd slept in, and the three cars that had taken her to the camp (it was as good a word as any, Evan thought) there was also a dark blue van and a few tents, scattered in a ring around where the fire had been the night before. A few people were busying themselves with random tasks, but Evan turned her attention back to Dale.

"Have they-" she paused, her voice cracking. "Have they decided on what's going to happen to me?"

On the old man's head rested a fishing hat, formerly white but now more towards the gray area. "We talked about it last night, all of us."

Evan shifted from one foot to the other, her arms wrapped around her body again. "And?"

Before he had the time to answer, someone else stepped into her line of sight. His brown hair was pushed back, and his face covered in stubble.

"I'd like to talk to her. Alone," he added when Dale didn't move. The kind-faced man shot her a smile, but then picked up a rifle that had rested next to him on the ground and walked away.

Evan couldn't meet his eyes, fear creeping in, trying to settle in her heart and mind. For a long moment there was a silence surrounding them, and Evan was painfully aware of the fact that others were staring in their direction.

"If you really have no one else, you can stay here."

The breath she didn't know she had been holding escaped her lips. "Really?"

"You have to help pull your weight, and you're not going to get your gun back until we know we can trust you, but yes. You can stay." Her eyes met his, and although they were cold and serious, they also showed that this group of people was still human. Careful, but human, not like others she had encountered since the dead started walking around.

"I'll do whatever you want," she assured him. Then she shifted uncomfortably again, from one foot to the other. Now she _really_ had to use the bathroom.

"I'm Rick," he said, apparently unaware of her discomfort. "Carol, over there," – he pointed towards the shorthaired woman – "she'll show you around and tell you what's what. Go make yourself useful."

Then he left, walking towards a small group of people, leaving her to it. Evan sighed, wiping the sweat out of her forehead, while smiling internally. At least she wasn't going to die. Today.

Ignoring those who followed her with their eyes she made her way across the grass towards Carol, smiling when she reached the woman.

"Hi, uh, Rick said you'd put me to work." Her voice was low. Unsure. Careful. It had been too long since she'd last had to interact with strangers who didn't mean her harm.

Carol returned her smile briefly. "We went to get supplies yesterday, that's why we were out there. You can help me sort through what was brought back."

"Wait," Evan said, putting a hand on Carol's slim shoulder. "I really have to pee," she whispered sheepishly and the woman let out what sounded like half a laugh.

"I'll come with you, over here." She motioned for Evan to follow her and Evan didn't hesitate for a second.

* * *

"Here's more canned food," Evan said, tossing the item to Lori, the brunette who had also been there the night before when Evan was rescued.

For the past hour she had been introduced to most of the members of the group, and then she'd been put to work, helping to go through what supplies had just been gathered. Out of everyone in the camp, Evan liked Carol and Dale most, because those two had apparently fought the hardest for her right to be allowed to live. So far a few of them had made it clear that she wasn't welcome; Daryl and Lori were two of them. She didn't really care though, because all they did was shoot her a glare every now and again. Evan had been dying to change into some clothes that weren't dirty to the core, simply because of how uncomfortable it was to wear them, but there weren't really any to spare. Carol had told her that they were still too close to Atlanta for comfort and that they would wait a few days and then move on, but until then they probably wouldn't look for more supplies. Evan sighed, picking up another bag and sifting through it.

"Here are some peaches!" she called lightly, tossing the next can to Lori as well.

All in all there were twelve of them, making thirteen with Evan. Not a huge number of people, but enough. Evan allowed her eyes to glance around for a moment, beyond the two women helping her. She saw Lori and Rick's son, playing with Carol's daughter, but their names had escaped her for the moment. Dale was talking to Shane, whose name had stuck with her better than the kids' names had. There were two blonde girls, Andrea and Amy, and a very large black man whom they called T-Dog, although Evan didn't know why. She recognized Daryl, who was standing on top of the trailer with his crossbow, peering out towards the horizon, undoubtedly looking for more dead. The Asian boy was there too, but Evan couldn't spot him from where she stood at the trunk of one of the cars from the night before. Although they were fighting something horrific and people were dying every day, it seemed so normal. When Evan looked around the camp she didn't see fear as the overtaking feeling. The strongest feeling seemed to be gratitude. For being alive. Evan shared that gratitude.

While her hands worked and she occasionally handed an item to Carol or chucked one to Lori, Evan thought back on her life before all of this. A life that seemed so distant now. She hadn't had the easiest life, but compared to this she'd been spoiled rotten. She was engaged, had a decent apartment, and a job she loved. And she had worked hard to get there, but now it all seemed in vain. As far as she knew all of the children she'd worked with were dead (or worse) and her fiancé was definitely dead. She had to stop for a moment, and lean back, hands on her hips.

"You okay?" Carol asked.

Evan offered her half a smile and nodded. "Yeah. Memories."

Nothing else needed to be said. Every single person there had more than enough painful memories always threatening to flood their minds and break their hearts. The face of Tom, her fiancé made an appearance in front of her eyes even though she tried her best to shut it down. She wasn't sure if he had been "the one", and she wasn't sure if they would have gone the distance, but she had loved him and remembering his last moments was painful. She shook her head, hair dancing, and focused on what her hands were doing. Evan longed for a day when she wouldn't feel so crushed by the memories of before.


	5. Four

A/N: I wrote 20 000 words for this story yesterday, and now I've broken 40k. I think it's safe to say we've got a long journey together people, because I'm nowhere near done yet. Please review if you've got anything to say. Cheers.

* * *

When night fell Evan felt safer than she had for a very long time. Even with her own group they hadn't been as well organized or well-armed as this one, and she thanked the heavens for them. She sat together with the others, around the fire, eating some of the canned goods they had and listened intently to their conversations. She didn't want to join in, she didn't have much to say, but she enjoyed just hearing their voices. She had been alone and not heard anything but her own heart beat for days. It was clear that the group were doing their best to keep their moods up, in spite of the nightmare they were stuck in. The only ones not sitting with them were Shane and Daryl, who stood perched on top of the trailer, eyes scanning the surrounding areas. Evan was grateful for them too. The warmth from the fire licked her legs pleasantly, and she chewed slowly on a piece of mushroom. The scent of cooked food and burning wood made her feel better too, only because it felt so normal. And so cozy. As if they were all on a camping trip together, old friends enjoying each other's company, rather than a group of strangers fighting constantly for their right to live.

"So Evan," someone piped up, and Evan quickly shifted her attention in that direction. It was Glenn. "Where did you get that name? It's not very common for a girl, is it?"

Silence spread and it was obvious that the entire group were curious. Not specifically about her name, but about her in general. She was as much a stranger to them as they were to her. Evan sighed, rubbing the back of her neck with the sleeve of the hoodie she'd been given earlier by Andrea.

"My mother was sure she was having a boy," she said. "I mean, _really_ sure. Except there I was and I definitely wasn't a boy. But she'd already decided on the name Evan so she just told my dad to suck it up because it was my name."

A few of them grinned, and Dale chuckled softly.

"She added the name Grace though, just to avoid confusion. Although, clearly that didn't work." Now Evan herself offered a smile, and this time several of them let out soft laughs.

"Where are you from?" It was Amy asking now, and Evan glanced towards the blonde.

"I was born in London, but was only a few months old when we moved to New York. I lived there until a few years ago when my fiancé got a job in Atlanta." There was a silent pause. "It's not that interesting though. I worked with kids and I had an apartment and that's basically it."

"Where have you been, you know, since it started?" It seemed to be Glenn's turn again to ask a question.

"Here and there, I guess." Evan bit her lower lip. "We just ran, you know? Hid, ran, lost people. That's pretty much what we've been doing. Trying to stay alive."

There was a murmur of agreement, and now Carol started speaking, divulging how she and her family came to join the group. When she reached the subject of her husband dying, Evan could see that there was a lot more to the story because although Carol's tone was tinted with sadness, it wasn't what it should have been. There was relief and bitterness there, too. After Carol, Andrea spoke, and after her Lori piped up. Evan listened intently to their stories, asking questions here and there, and offering sympathetic smiles when they spoke of grim things. When Sophia and Carl told her about things, the tone was completely different. Although they'd seen horrid things and although they would have to grow up much sooner than they should have to, they were still children in so many ways. She smiled at the way they explained things, thinking back to the children in her class. For a moment Evan wished that they were still alive, but then she shot that down and opted for wishing that they were dead, _really_ dead.

The only person who remained silent through-out the evening was Rick, the police officer married to Lori. Carol had given her plenty of information about almost everyone in the camp, but when it came to the man they had clearly appointed as their leader she didn't say much at all. Evan wondered if that was because there was nothing to say, or because there was too much to say. Eventually the meal had to be over, and Evan followed Carol and Andrea to clean everything up as best as they could. The empty cans were quickly discarded, but they used as little water as possible to wash the forks that had been used. A comfortable silence was lingering around them as they worked, giving Evan even more time to try and grasp how quickly everything had changed. The night before she had held a gun to her own head, completely ready to pull the trigger, and now she had found a new group to belong to. She wanted to consider herself lucky, but she didn't know whether there was such a thing as luck anymore. And if there was luck, maybe the truly lucky ones were those who had died immediately and remained dead.

When they were done Dale approached her, smiling, and with the eternal hat perched on his head. Evan wondered briefly if that hat was as permanently stuck on the old man's head as the sheriff's hat seemed to be on his.

"I've talked to Rick, and you can sleep in the trailer again," he said cheerfully. "I'll be in there too, but at the opposite end, where the table is. If that's alright?"

Evan nodded. "Yes, of course. Thank you." There was a pause. "I guess Rick asked you to keep an eye on me, huh?"

He shrugged apologetically, but she smiled, letting him know she hadn't expected anything less. She had been with them for less than 24 hours; she didn't expect them to trust her yet, in spite of the animated conversation during dinner. Before she had a chance to ask, Dale told her it was past eleven. With that in mind, she excused herself to go to bed, her body still not recuperated from the eventful days she'd had. He simply nodded and smiled as she moved past him, towards the trailer. In the real world it would have bothered her to sleep in the same room as a stranger. In the real world it would have bothered her that she had nothing else to sleep in. But in this world it didn't matter to her at all. As soon as she was shut away inside the trailer she tugged off her jeans and dropped them on the floor. Then she moved in under the blankets on the same little bed she'd slept on the night before. Everything that had seemed so important to her before had disappeared, faded into the darkness of the night. Now her priorities had shifted greatly, just like everyone else's had too. Sighing again, Evan closed her eyes, and just like the night before she was asleep much earlier than she thought.

* * *

A hand pressed down over her mouth, and her eyes shot open. Instinctively she tried to free herself, panic quickly building in her abdomen. It was Shane.

"Walkers," he whispered sharply, and she stopped struggling. Walkers? The way her eyebrows raised told him she didn't know what he meant. "Dead people, walking around."

It made sense then. She nodded and he removed the hand from her mouth but instantly grabbed her arm instead, pulling her up.

"Stay in here, and stay absolutely silent," he whispered. "Here, take this."

The gun she'd lost the night before felt heavy in her hand, but she allowed her fingers to grip it tightly anyway. The cold handle almost burned her skin, ironically, simply because she knew what this meant. It had to be serious, or they wouldn't provide the stranger with a gun. She wanted to ask him what was going on but stopped herself. He had already turned around and headed for the door again. Evan's heart hammered against the inside of her chest and she was sure it must be bruised and close to cracking. Silently, cat like, she slipped her jeans on and tugged her shoes back on too. In case she had to run. A second later the door opened swiftly and Andrea stepped in together with Amy.

Andrea held a finger over her mouth as she shut the door behind them. Evan only nodded, and gripped the weapon tighter. She tried to slow her breathing down, and quiet it, just so that she could find out what was happening outside. The night was quiet, except for the unmistakable sound of dragging feet. Evan knew very well what that sound meant. She wished the curtains hadn't been covering the windows, but then stopped herself. If she could see them it meant they could see her. Gratitude washed over her then.

"How many?" she mouthed soundlessly.

Andrea held her hand up, and showed all five fingers. Twice. Evan's lips started to tremble. Ten? That was more than usual. They never really gathered or moved in groups bigger than four or five dead – walkers, as Shane had put it very accurately – at a time. The two sisters moved closer, slowly, and soon the three of them were huddled together. A noise made them look up, and Daryl's face was visible through the small gap in the ceiling hatch. He mouthed something they couldn't read, but his hand motion was unmistakable. Stay put. Evan wasn't going to argue with that, and soon Daryl's face disappeared again.

When the stench of rotting flesh found Evan she scrunched her face together and placed her free hand over her mouth. It was vile, and she had to force herself to not cough or heave. She felt a hand on her shoulder and nodded, to indicate that she was okay and that she would stay silent. She was the newest member of the group, if she caused someone's death she'd be thrown out for sure. And she wouldn't blame them. So far she had seen people die in horrible ways, but no one had lost their lives because of her and she didn't have their blood on her hands. There was at least that. For a moment she wondered why no one had fired their guns yet, but she realized that if there were ten walkers out there, and maybe ten more not too far away, they would be attracted by the sound and then they would definitely lose someone.

A thump caused all three of them to turn towards the door. Amy, unable to stop herself, let out a soft whining sound, before Andrea slapped a hand over her sister's mouth. Another thump. Evan threw her head back and looked up, into the concerned eyes of Daryl. Without words she tried to ask him what she both wanted and didn't want to know. His expression told her immediately. One of the walkers, or more, was at the door, trying to find their way in. Tears stung her eyes as she tried to figure out what to do. The hand holding the gun was raised, aiming sharply at the door, finger ready.

Then everything happened so fast, too fast for Evan to even grasp it all. Time didn't freeze like it always did in movies or book; instead everything seemed to happen simultaneously. The door flew open, and in came a walker, but she was ready, aiming already at the gory woman, whose hair was missing in large chunks and eyes had glazed over. She wasn't, however, ready for the walker that lunged in through the window above the bed, causing all three women to scream, as Evan's gun went off. Before her mind could register what was happening, Daryl had ripped the hatch clean open, and his hands fumbled to grasp Andrea's outstretched ones. Evan could hear screaming now, from the outside and from deep within herself, and guns going off. Her own finger repeatedly pulled the trigger, blowing holes in the already dead flesh, causing blood to splatter the walls, bed, and the floor. Suddenly Andrea was gone, and Daryl's voice called to her to grab his hands, but Evan shook her head. Seizing Amy she pushed her towards Daryl, while killing a man with most of his lower lip gone by putting a bullet in his head. Warm blood gushed onto Evan's hands but she ignored it, firing again. She didn't know how many there were, or how many she had killed, but they just kept on coming.

Finally, she couldn't hold them back, and she knew Daryl wouldn't have time to pull her up in time. With her heart thumping in her ears and the screams of the others fading next the loud ringing in her head, she stepped up on the bed, raised her left leg, and kicked as hard as she could against the window on the opposite wall of the trailer, where she prayed there wouldn't be any walkers so close that they would get her the second she threw herself out. At any rate it was her only option if she didn't want to die. With the second kick the window broke, plastic shattering everywhere, and seconds later, with dead hands clawing at her, Evan threw herself headfirst out on the ground. The impact stunned her, but she didn't acknowledge it. All sounds from around her disappeared, only the ringing remained. When she fell the gun had slipped from her grasp but she didn't bother looking for it. She was on her feet instantly, and just as she was about to attempt to make a run for it, she felt hands on her neck.

"It's over," she thought angrily. "I'm done."


	6. Five

A/N: I've officially written 43 000 words in three days. Go me. Please shoot me a review if you're reading.

* * *

When she swung around, she saw that it was Daryl, leaning down dangerously far from the roof of the trailer. Letting out a choked sob she accepted his help gratefully. Amy reached down, too, and helped as best she could. Evan kicked her feet when she felt something trying to get hold of her, a whimper escaping her lips. The second she was up on the roof it was as if someone had turned the volume back up around her, because voices, screams, gunshots; it all echoed through her head again. She twirled around, and now at a higher point with more of an overview look, she could see that the walkers had nearly been dealt with. Being in the trailer, unable to find a way out, claustrophobia had set in and Evan had been sure that there must have been at least a hundred walkers out there. Now, when the last walker fell, she realized that there weren't more than twelve or thirteen of them.

"Are you okay?" Daryl asked, and Evan nodded.

"I dropped my gun." She took a few deep breaths, looking around again. "Is everyone okay?"

"No."

It was Amy. Evan and Daryl both turned towards her. Andrea was already next to her sister, violent sobs racking her body. It wasn't hard to figure out why. Two half-moon marks were evident on her arm, bleeding profusely. Everyone knew what this meant. Down on the ground, people started calling out, making sure they were all okay.

"No, no, no, no," Andrea cried, clinging to Amy, who was just sitting there. Evan felt her own eyes burn, guilt pushing down so heavily on her she thought she might fall.

Staggering, Evan fell to her knees, one hand over her mouth. She couldn't bear to look at the sisters; she couldn't bear the pain that radiated off of them. The next few minutes passed in a hazy blur, with Evan doing her best not to pass out or start crying. She was still a stranger, and this was her fault, she had no right to mourn for Amy. Soon they were on the ground and soon everyone knew what had happened. And everyone knew what the next step had to be. But no one was willing to say it out loud.

"We have to leave," Rick said finally. The hat was on his head and his gun was in his belt. He looked a sheriff judging from his clothes and his stance, but his eyes told a different story. "There might be more of them, and we've been making a lot of noise. We'll gather everything quickly and leave within the hour. Daryl, Shane, you keep watch."

No one needed to be told twice. Everyone scrambled off to help, except for Andrea, Amy, Dale and Rick. Evan hesitated for a moment, looking from the sisters to Carol, who was pulling one of the tents down. Then she made her decision and walked away, knowing that the next step would be crushing enough without a stranger there as an audience. With each step Evan felt the same old fear come creeping back, the one who had been her companion for the past three months but had left her temporarily when she found this group. This was her life now, she knew as much but it was hard to accept. No matter how safe she felt, she never would be again, and neither would anyone else.

* * *

Evan had hid behind what was left of the trailer, her hands clamped tightly over her ears. The screams and crying had reached her anyway, and tears rolled down her cheeks, burning the skin as they went. It was a different Andrea who climbed into one of the cars, and it was a different Evan who purposely got into the truck together with Rick, Lori, Carl and Shane. Hear mind had still been racing when they got back on the road, an hour after the attack like Rick had wanted, and Evan didn't know how to slow it down. She didn't know how to think of anything except for what had happened and she didn't know how to fight the guilt. Amy had been bitten. If Evan hadn't been there, she might not have been. Evan herself knew on a deeper level that it didn't make sense, that Evan hadn't done anything to endanger Amy, and that she had actually gotten Daryl to pull her to safety first. But that rationality didn't reach her heart.

After several hours on the road in silence Lori placed a hand on Evan's shoulder. Evan looked over Carl's head at the woman who was offering her a small smile.

"Are you alright?" she asked softly. Her eyes flickered to the tears on Evan's cheeks.

"You never get used to it," Evan responded numbly. "Never."

Silence swept over them again as daylight made its first appearance, the sun kissing the top of the mountains far to their right. They had lost the trailer, but salvaged as much from it as possible, before piling into the remaining cars. Daryl led them on his motorcycle, followed by the green truck, a ford, with the Grimes, Shane and Evan. After them Glenn was behind the wheels of another truck, this one red, and with him sat Carol and Sophia. T-Dog was driving the van at the far back while Dale tried to comfort Andrea in the back. Mere hours earlier laughter had been ringing within the group but now the silence was deafening. Evan looked back out the window, having a million things she wanted to say but no idea how to actually form any coherent words.

Shane and Rick were busy discussing where to go in the front seat, but Evan didn't pay any attention to them. She glanced to her right, at the boy next to her and the woman at the other window, but then turned away again. Leaning her head against the window she let out a sigh, wondering silently what the point even was anymore and whether it was worth it in the end.

* * *

After too many hours of driving Daryl stopped them with a wave of his hand. The line of cars came to a halt, and Rick stepped out, as well as Shane. Evan only hesitated for a moment before she opened her door, joining the three men at the same time as Glenn got there.

"We need more gas," Daryl stated simply, running a hand through his short hair.

Rick put his hands on his hips, looking down at the ground, sighing. Then he turned towards Glenn. "How much gas do you have?"

"Enough for the rest of the day, but not more."

"Same here," Rick said.

No one had to say it, but it was obvious that they'd need to find somewhere to get more gas. Glenn moved back to the truck he'd been driving before returning with a map in his hand. They spread it out on the hood of the green truck. Evan hovered in the background, unsure of whether she should return to the safety inside the vehicle or not. Then she heard something that made the decision for her.

"We've already been there," she said, moving forward to join the small circle in front of the map. "It's empty."

All eyes turned towards her and she shrugged apologetically.

"Are you sure?" Rick asked, pointing towards a spot on the map. "Have you been here?"

Evan nodded. "We were there maybe two weeks ago, we took what little was left and then hurried away as the walkers all came. There were a lot of them. We lost four of our own."

The group let out a frustrated sigh and started looking over the map again, pointing at different spots and then discussing their options over and over.

"Evan," Rick said suddenly. She turned back towards him, having drifted her attention elsewhere after informing them of a town that she knew to be useless. "Is there anywhere your group didn't go to, that's close to here?"

"Well," she mumbled. She leaned down, squinting, looking the map over. One of her slender fingers graced the paper gently, trailing the lines up and down and across. "I don't think we've been here," she finally said, having found a town that shouldn't be more than three hours away.

Another discussion among the men, and then; "That's where we're going, everyone get back into the cars."

No one hesitated to follow Rick's orders, and Evan tugged the door open and joined the two in the backseat of the truck again. Carl offered a weak smile but Lori didn't acknowledge her presence. Evan felt uncomfortable in the brunette's company. Not because she had ever said or done anything, but because there seemed to be so much going on in her head that she didn't know how to act. Earlier she had offered Evan a smile but now it was as if she didn't even exist. Maybe she should have been insulted, but she didn't take it to heart, she suspected it had nothing to do with her and more to do with Lori herself. Deciding that there was more to it than the eye could see, Evan chose to ignore it. This group, just like her previous group, had their own past and their own problems and their own stories. She didn't want to know everything and she didn't need to know. As soon as they were in motion again she put her hands limply in her lap and leaned against the cool glass.


	7. Six

A/N: Just as a favor, and I'll ask it just this once; I'm taking the time to write this, if you're taking the time to read it try and take the time to say something about it too. I'd really appreciate it, because although I love writing this and have no plans of stopping, it'd be nice to know whether it's shit or not. And now I've done my whining for the week. Enjoy the chapter.

* * *

In reality, Evan had wanted to remain in the car together with Andrea, Dale, Lori, Carol and the kids, but she knew she was needed out on the streets. And although she wasn't by any means a good shot, she did know enough to be able to help. There was also the fact that she was relatively familiar with the small town they were going to scavenge, and could help navigate them around. They left the cars at the gas station Evan had pointed out to them, and noted that luckily it hadn't been completely emptied out. T-Dog was given the responsibility to fill the tanks in the cars, as well as the few spare large cans they had, up as much as possible while the others aimed for the supermarket across the street. Since they stopped and left the cars (with those who weren't going to participate in the hunt hiding in the van) only a few walkers had approached them, and Daryl had easily taken them out silently with his crossbow.

They stayed low, the lot of them, crouching as they crossed the street. Rick was first, with Glenn and Shane closely behind him. Evan walked next to Daryl at the rear, gun held high, and eyes darting continuously all around them. It was easy to see that they were all tense, even more so than usual, because of the rough night. Evan felt her heart beat rapidly as Daryl took down another walker, swiftly. Rick and the rest were sporting both firearms and knives, but they hadn't had one to spare for Evan, so she had been given strict instructions to hold off on using her gun until it became absolutely necessary. They didn't want to attract more walkers, or survivors, if they could help it. Slowly and carefully the group made it to the store, and Evan stepped over the glass lying shattered on the ground. It was clear someone had already been there, because of the damage done to the outside, but that didn't have to mean that everything was gone.

Rick held a hand up then, and they all stopped, scooting closer, now nearly touching each other. With his fingers he pointed at Glenn and Shane, then towards the left. After that he pointed at Daryl and indicated that he should go right. The smell of death and blood was evident even here, and in the heat of the day it almost got unbearable, but Evan swallowed the bile that wanted to escape. She had to be sharp for this. When the others had moved, quietly like cats sneaking on their pray, Rick waved for Evan to follow him down the middle of the store. She nodded, swallowing again. This time to stop her erratic heart from crawling up her throat to abandon her body completely.

The silence covering the store felt deafening and the floors were covered in dirt as well as stray items of food, canned goods, and other things that had a few months ago seemed so easy to obtain. So easy that everyone had taken it for granted.

"Here, take this," Rick suddenly said, in a normal tone and at first Evan thought he had gone mental, but then she saw Shane and Daryl, both waving and indicating that for now it was safe. So instead of glaring at him, Evan took the red basket she was being handed. "Fill it up with canned goods, and anything else that might be useful."

She simply nodded and promptly moved to the shelves to her right. There had obviously been people there, taking what they could, but there was enough left for the trip to not have been a total waste. With slender fingers Evan picked up can after can and placed them in the basket, paying no mind to what was in them. As long as it was edible it was good enough for them. Then she moved from the can goods area to the hygiene area. Every now and again the smell of rotting fruit and vegetables would reach her but she ignored it, instead picking down a few stray bottles of shampoo and soap. When the basket was half-full, Rick came back and announced softly that they had to leave. Evan nodded, opting against making more noise than necessary, and now they had to sneak again, to make sure no walkers had turned up outside. When stepping over the broken glass for the second time, Evan suddenly stopped. Her eyes had locked on something, and she knew she wouldn't get a chance like this again.

"Rick," she whispered, reaching out to seize his arm. "I'll be right back!"

Instead of doing what had been reasonable and wait for his response, she broke formation and dashed across the street. If she'd bothered to look behind her she'd have seen the furious faces on her new friends, but she couldn't help it. The rundown and obviously looted clothing store had been calling her, and she _needed_ some new clothes. It wasn't about looking good or even simple comfort, but her clothes were so broken and beaten and dirty that they were near impossible to wear. When she reached the door she peered inside, and then she was violently ripped back and found herself suddenly eye to eye with a very furious Rick.

"What are you doing?" he hissed, clearly annoyed that he had to keep his voice down and couldn't express his anger completely.

"I'm sorry." She tried to escape his grip but he only held her arm more tightly, causing her to wince. "I need to see if I can find some new clothes. These haven't been washed for a month, and they're covered in blood and guts and whatever else. And they're broken and worn and disgusting and they smell. They really _smell_." She put emphasis on the last word, because it was true. The stench from her clothes was that of sweat, blood and death.

His eyes softened slightly, but fury still burned behind them. "Fine, you've got thirty seconds."

Instead of arguing she snuck in, Rick following closely behind, knife at the ready, and his now free hand resting on the gun in its holster. It didn't take Evan more than a few seconds to see a few pairs of jeans and simple tops that she could use. She didn't waste any time; she first tucked her gun into the hem of her jeans and then ripped clothes from the shelves and from the hangers and hugged them close to her body. She didn't look for appealing; she looked for practical. It didn't matter how she looked as long as the clothes were comfortable and didn't get in the way of doing whatever was necessary to stay alive. Grinning to herself she thought back to the few horror movies she had seen in her days, where the heroes always seemed to be wearing fancy but highly impractical clothing. Girls in high heels and short skirts trying to flee from a murderer just didn't make sense and they didn't stand a chance.

When she had a few items in her arms she nodded towards Rick and followed the sheriff back out the door, her spirit feeling just the slightest bit higher than it had earlier that morning. At least she could get out of the disgusting clothes later, and although that wasn't much, it was something. For Evan and the others, every little "something" held the weight of gold for their scattered minds.

The sun was still glaring when they re-entered the street, but it was still empty. Following Rick they swiftly hurried towards the gas station, where it looked as if everyone was getting ready to leave again. When Evan hurried off on her own she had placed the basket of goods on the road and now she felt stupid for it. She'd just tossed it to the side and gallivanted off on her own, without any sort of regard for anyone else's safety or how much she could have screwed things up. The word "fuck" went through her mind repeatedly as she approached the rest of the group. The clothes that had given her a sense of pride now weighed her down with shame and she hugged them so tightly to her chest it seemed as if she thought she could make them invisible.

It was clear from the glares she received that Rick hadn't been the only one to think she was being reckless and stupid, but in the corner of her eye she saw the sheriff shake his head subtly, signaling to the others to not say anything. For that she was grateful, but the shame still wouldn't leave her alone. With hesitant steps and a short wave to the others she made her way back to the truck she'd previously ridden and climbed in, closing the door gently behind her. Evan wasn't fit for situations like this, because sometimes she was impulsive to a fault. In the real world it didn't matter much, and Tom had always complimented her for it and said it made life with her a lot more exciting. But here it could mean death for herself or someone else. When the rest of the group had finished and piled back into the cars Evan was mentally kicking herself for the hundredth time.


	8. Seven

A/N: I have nothing intelligent to say. Hope you like the chapter...?

* * *

The ride after that was silent, with Carl and Lori dozing off and Evan busy with peering out the window at the rapidly moving scenery outside. Every now and again Shane and Rick would exchange a few words, but then they would grow silent again. It surprised Evan, however, when she heard a sharp tone suddenly in Shane's voice. Her attention shifted towards the man sitting in front of Lori, but all she could see was the back of his neck. She hadn't heard what he said, but she had definitely heard how he said it. As far as Evan had been able to understand, the pair in the front seat had been colleagues before all of this as well as best friends. When neither of them said anything else she sighed again and went back to her previous occupation.

"Where are we going?" It was Carl who finally broke the heavy silence a few hours later. Now the sun was reaching dangerously low on the sky and Evan was scared that they would have to sleep in the cars when night finally embraced them.

"We've found a small lake on the map, and we're going to see if we can go there for tonight. Or longer." Shane turned in his seat as much as the seatbelt would allow to smile at the young boy who nodded slowly.

"I hope we can stay there for a while." He didn't need to say that he was tired of running, it was there anyway and Evan silently agreed. But she had been running for three months, it didn't seem possible that she'd be able to stop anytime soon.

* * *

The cars were parked. The tents up. A fire lit. Evan took a deep breath of the night air, and held it in her lungs for a moment. When she released it she turned her attention back to the canned food in her hands. Although she was tired, as they all were, she felt better. She had forgiven herself for the clothes run after Carol had mumbled that she'd have liked a new shirt since hers was worn too, and Evan swiftly handed one to her. "I don't need four, take it," she had said. And then while the men had checked out the area, secured it, and made plans for the following few days, Carol, Sophie, Lori, Carl, Evan and even Andrea had gone to the lake to at least get the worst of the dirt off. Although the lake was chilly it had felt heavenly. The water around them turned both brown and red for a few brief moments, but it didn't matter. It was irrelevant that they'd been standing there in only their underwear, while they were clearly within eyeshot of those in the camp. It didn't matter, because they were able to feel the sensation of being clean for the first time in too long. And once they'd emerged from the water, laughing and joking, with even Andrea joining in slightly, Evan had put on new clothes. Fresh clothes. Clean clothes. A pair of dark jeans, white socks, clean underwear and a simple blue and black striped top. It felt like Christmas.

Evan smiled again, as she pushed a fork with a piece of canned ham pierced on it in her mouth. A few hours had passed but the small high she'd achieved from getting clean was still with her, and from the look on Carol's face she felt it too.

"Where's your mother?" Sophie suddenly asked from her seat in between her mother and Evan.

There was a pregnant pause. "She's gone." Evan attempted a smile, but didn't quite succeed.

"I'm sorry," Carol said and Sophie nodded, her blonde hair bobbing up and down.

"Don't be." Evan shook her head. "It was before all of this. Heart attack. At least she didn't have to see all of this." It was a small comfort, but a comfort none the less.

"Mom says you worked as a teacher." Sophie seemed fascinated with Evan, but the latter just found it amusing in spite of the apologetic look on her mother's face.

"I did. I was a kindergarten teacher."

"Was it nice?"

"Yes," Evan mused. "Most of the children were mischievous but very kind. And funny." A genuine grin spread across her features at the memory of little Joshua being inches away from licking on a spoon of glue because Amber had told him it tasted like ice cream.

For the following minutes Evan had to answer questions about her job, not only from Sophia but from Carl too who had scooted closer to them. Before long, the rest of the group had joined in the conversation, and the only ones not asking questions were Dale and Shane, who were keeping watch. And Andrea who excused herself and crawled into her tent after eating only a few bites.

"What happened to the man you were going to marry?" Everyone knew that with Sophia's last question, the easy going mood was gone and instead grimness would settle among them.

Carol opened her mouth, no doubt to tell her daughter that the question hadn't been appropriate, but Evan held a hand up and put the now empty can in her hands on the ground.

"I woke up late that morning. The alarm didn't go off, because the power was gone." Evan took a brief pause to search for the right words. "I didn't know that though. I got up, cursed when I saw the time on my phone, and got dressed faster than I ever had before. I mean it, literally, I pretty much flew into my clothes."

The small joke was a success, because a smile spread on the little girl's lips.

"I called out for Tom, ready to go off on him about not waking me up, but he didn't respond. And that's when I heard the sirens and the chaos outside." Evan ran a hand through her hair, trying to steady her voice. "I'm not going to go into details, but from what I saw it was obvious that everything had changed forever. There were blood and people everywhere. Screaming. Crying. Running. Death. Then there was a noise behind me and I turned around, and Tom was just standing there."

Now the pause was longer, and it was as if even the night surrounding them was holding its breath to hear the rest of the story. Lori had wrapped a protective arm around Carl and Rick was staring at his feet, while everyone else's eyes were on Evan. She licked her lips.

"I don't know how he got bitten, and then I didn't know what was wrong. Or what it meant. But I did know that something was wrong. Something was seriously wrong." Her voice was faltering and she gave them a weak smile as she cleared her throat. "Before I knew what was happening he'd thrown himself towards me and I'd lounged myself out the open bedroom window, onto the fire escape. And then I just ran. Down the ladders, down the street, and just… I kept going."

The light from the fire made shadows dance on their faces as Evan stopped, ready to finish her story right there.

"But then what?" Glenn asked. "You said you were with a group…?"

"I was," Evan confirmed. "I found them a few hours later. Three of them, a mother and her two teenagers. They gave me a ride, and then later on the group grew and we met others who helped us and whom we helped in return."

"But when we found you, you were alone."

It wasn't a question, so Evan didn't have to answer it. She just wrapped her arms around her body and pressed her lips together. The good mood was long gone.

"I'm going to go keep watch." Rick stood, and nodded towards them, before walking away. A few seconds later Lori rose with Carl, and excused them as well. Then Carol took Sophia's hand and said goodnight.

T-Dog threw a glance towards Evan. "Where are you sleeping tonight?"

"Truck," Evan replied, pointing towards the green truck. They didn't have enough tents for everyone after the trailer had been left behind.

"Are you sure? You can have my tent," he offered, rising to his feet also.

"No, that's okay." Evan shook her head. "Trust me, I've slept in worse places, and you know, if the dead come to eat us I'll at least be inside something a bit harder to break into." She smirked at him and he looked stunned for a moment.

Then Glenn let out a snort, and Daryl surprised Evan by joining in. Before long, the four of them were laughing heartily together. The moment had to end however, and now Daryl, Glenn and Evan had also gotten to their feet. T-Dog was the first to excuse himself, and then Glenn followed suit. Daryl looked like he was hesitating for a moment, the wheels in his head clearly working hard on whatever he was thinking about.

"Sorry 'bout your fiancé," he finally said, flatly, and then turned around and disappeared into the darkness. Evan felt both stunned and flattered, because from what she had come to understand the redneck hunter didn't say much to anyone, unless it had to do with walkers or other eminent dangers.

She turned, ready to head towards her bed for the night, and slammed straight into the sheriff.

"Shit, sorry," she said quickly, rubbing her nose and begging that it wouldn't start bleeding from the impact. Instead of replying, he just shook his head and moved her to the side before striding off again. Although she didn't know why, the look on his face had definitely been one of anger.

With a yawn she let it go, knowing that it would do her no good to try and figure anything out. They had secrets just like she did and everyone else who was still alive and human. It was none of her business. With the fire nearly out and crickets humming in the background Evan walked towards the truck, a million thoughts whirling in her head, but none of them staying with her long enough to make sense. She tugged the door open and climbed in, eyes falling on the pillow and blanket she had stuffed in there earlier. Another yawn escaped her when she fell down, leaving the door open slightly behind her to allow fresh air to reach her. This time, in spite of being exhausted, she didn't fall asleep straight away. The memories of what had happened the last time she'd been out were too haunting for that. A long while later her eyes finally closed and stayed that way as she plunged into a long row of nightmares.


	9. Eight

Before dawn had really gotten a grip on the world Evan gave up and crawled out of the car. Her muscles ached and she felt if possible even more tired than she had when she first tried to get some sleep. The nightmares had kept her from really relaxing and after lying awake for several hours she realized there was no point. She wouldn't get any more sleep. With a yawn she stretched, trying to soothe her body as much as she could. Feeling that this day would be just as hot as the previous she didn't grab a sweater but instead peered around the camp to see who else was up. She saw no one until she glanced towards the small hill where she could see a figure keeping watch. Sighing she set her aim and started walking.

When she got closer she saw that it was the sheriff keeping watch and she silently wondered if he ever got any sleep. Ever. He looked over to her when she approached, his rifle still raised, and nodded shortly. Evan hesitated, unsure of whether she should say anything or not. In the end she opted for joining him in peering around on the landscapes around them. They had found a really nice spot, with a small lake on one side, a hill on the other and a forest stretching out slightly to the left, but not coming so close to the camp so that something could emerge from it without them seeing it in good time.

"You're not asleep." Rick broke the silence, and Evan almost jumped.

"And neither are you." She had to stop the grin from spreading across her features. She put one hand on the gun in her jeans and the other on her hip, still observing their surroundings but glancing slightly towards the sheriff as well.

"I guess you're right."

Silence spread around them again, but it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. It was the kind that lingered when there wasn't much else to say, and not the kind that engulfed you when you didn't have anything else you _wanted_ to say. Evan appreciated the difference between the two.

"Has it been a calm night?" she asked, now turning her full attention to her companion.

"Not a walker in sight," he replied, meeting her eyes shortly before going back to his task.

Evan nodded, but he didn't see it. Instead of trying to force a conversation she remained silent, her mind whirling in every possible direction, memories flooding it. She thought back to the first time she had met Tom, when she had accidentally crashed right into his car with hers because she hadn't been looking. She remembered her worst day as a teacher, when little Rose Wilson had tripped and hit her head on the corner of her desk, forcing Evan to call 911 for the first time in her life. Then her mother's face appeared in her consciousness, but Evan pushed it away. Her mother had been an extraordinary woman, and thinking about her hurt too much still, even though she had died nearly two years ago. Instead she focused her internal attention towards happier memories, thinking of things she missed from before. Then she thought about things she really didn't miss, and a snicker escaped her before she could stop it.

Rick threw her a questioning look, and she put a hand over her mouth, shooting him an apologetic smile. He seemed to happily shift his attention away from her again, but after a minute or two he turned towards her again.

"What were you thinking about?"

Evan shook her head, rubbing her forehead. "A lot of things."

"But what made you laugh?" he pressed. And then she noticed the carefully hidden desperation in his voice and his eyes. Being where they were, being who he was, the leader of a large group of people, always having their lives in his hands, it was obvious that he hadn't smiled or laughed for a long time. Maybe he was hoping that her reason could become his reason.

"Things I don't miss from before all of this." He raised an eyebrow. "You know when you're stepping off the bus, or trying to walk in or out of a store? And then an old lady or man, is right in front of you, and they just stop. Like that. Frozen, looking where to go or checking their purse or whatever. And although you'd never do it, you can't help but imagine yourself putting your leg up and just kicking the annoying idiots out of your way."

At first nothing happened, he looked stunned at her words, and Evan thought she might have said the absolute worst thing ever. But then a grin spread across his features. Evan followed suit.

"That was annoying," he agreed. Then the first chuckle fell from his lips, and Evan mirrored that too. Soon they were both laughing, not really because of what she had said, but because of the simplicity of it. Because it was a memory that didn't bring pain, because it wasn't something they missed, because it was so completely ridiculous.

"And I really don't miss Melissa George," Evan said, putting her hands up in front of her. "She was a colleague of mine and the biggest bitch ever. Ever!"

He was still grinning. "Why?"

"She accused me of stealing from her. Ridiculous. As if I'd ever want anything of hers." She rolled her eyes, remembering the blonde and the wild accusations she would spread around her. "And apparently I just wasn't as good as she was, at teaching. Or well, at anything."

"I don't miss my college roommate," Rick said when she was finished. "He actually did steal from me. More than once. Stole one of my essays and put his name on it, and I nearly got an incomplete in that class. Jackass."

Laughter washed over them again. They still hadn't fallen silent when Daryl and Lori approached them, quizzical expressions on their faces. Evan hid her face in her hands and took a few deep breaths, to try and smother the laughter, but the more she tried the harder it got. The tension that had gripped not only her but the sheriff as well, for too long, had released them suddenly and that's why they couldn't stop. The humor of the situation wasn't what had been said, but that it had been said. Even in a world like this they could still crack jokes and talk about ridiculous things and that filled them both with just a tiny sliver of hope, that maybe everything wasn't hell.

"Sorry," Rick said, lowering his rifle and pulling his hat off.

"Yeah, sorry," Evan agreed, but then let out a sound from the work of trying to quiet down that sent them both over the edge again.

"Whatever," Daryl muttered. "I'll take watch, get outta here, you're creepin' me out."

Lori had an expression of confusion and surprise on her face, but Evan was glad to see no anger there. In that moment she wanted to hold on to the cheerfulness for as long as she possibly could, and she didn't want anyone or anything to ruin it before it had subsided on its own. While walking down the small hill together with the Grimes' the snickering could still be heard, bouncing around the pair, with Lori walking next to them but not joining in.

"I've got to go eat," Evan announced when they reached the end of the slope. "Sheriff. Ma'am." She tipped an imaginary hat and turned around, heading towards the fire that Carol and Shane had just started. Whatever reply either of them might have had fell on deaf ears, because Evan already had her attention elsewhere.

"Good morning," Carol greeted when Evan was close enough.

"Morning," she replied, smiling. "Can I help with anything?"

"You can come with me," Shane piped up. "I'm going to take a look around; you've got a gun, right?"

She nodded. "Yeah, of course." She threw a smile at Carol and then followed the man she had gotten to know the least towards the trees.

"So what was so funny?" he asked, and she could easily detect the hostile tone.

"I don't know. Nothing, really. Old memories. Stupid jokes." She had pulled her own gun out, gripping it tightly, peering in through the trees, trying to spot anything suspicious.

"He's our leader." Shane paused and Evan waited. "But not a great leader. Always making rash decisions."

Evan didn't reply. She didn't know what to say. The bitterness in his words were obvious, but she wasn't sure if she was simply annoyed because he deemed himself to be a better leader or if there was more to it.

"He's put this group at risk more than once," he added. His eyes were studying her features carefully, trying to see her reaction.

"I just joined you guys; I don't really know anything about any of you." Evan turned her gaze away from the man walking with her. He didn't seem dangerous, and yet she felt like she needed to be ready for anything. On edge.

"You'll see. And when you do, maybe you'll agree with me that something needs to change."

Evan wondered if he had always been like this but hid it really well, or if this was new. If he had changed from being out there. It was true that Evan didn't know any of them too well, but from the way others looked at their leader they didn't seem to distrust him. Was it more likely that the sheriff had fooled everyone but Shane, or that he was angry because of something else? It didn't take a genius to do that math. They continued their check of the perimeter in silence, Evan having made it clear that she wasn't interested in the subject Shane wanted to discuss, and he seemed to accept it. For the time being. Evan didn't hesitate to think that sooner or later this would be brought up again, but until then she was going to simply observe the group and all its members silently, without considering Shane's words too much. The future would reveal who was really being reckless.


	10. Nine

A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews. I take everything into consideration and make notes of what's especially helpful, to save for when I re-write and edit and fix this up a LOT. So thank you, it's greatly appreciated. If anyone cares I just finished writing chapter 31.

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When the sun had reached high on the sky a sense of calm and normality (although with more than a hint of fear and worry) had set in the camp. Evan offered to help Carol to sort everything out after they'd eaten, but Sophia and Carl tugged on her arm and asked her if she could play with them. Under the watchful eyes of the other adults, Evan decided that they could play a few riddle games, since that would be silent enough. With her repertoire of strange and sometimes really ridiculous questions from her teaching days she sat with them in the grass at the foot of the slope and entertained them as best as she could. Sophie seemed to have a harder time than Carl to get used to the harshness of their new reality so she looked more than relieved that someone wanted to help take her mind off of it. And Evan didn't mind, she had loved working with kids and she missed it greatly. Besides she wasn't much of a shot and would probably end up taking out one of their own if she was told to keep watch on her own. And she wasn't well organized either, so she was most useful when keeping the kids safe and happy.

"Okay, hang on, I've got another one," Evan said, grinning. She cleared her throat, and adopted a very serious expression which made the girl beside her giggle. "I was walking down Mulberry Lane. I met a man doing the same. He tipped his hat and drew his cane. And in this rhyme I said his name. What is the man's name?"

The wind tousled Evan's hair as both children wrinkled their foreheads, thinking profoundly. Before lunch Evan had changed her clothes and helped Carol wash a bunch of their stuff in the lake, doing the best they could to at least rid them of the worst of the grime. Now her legs were bare because of the heat, and her denim shorts were a bit too big but had been fastened with a stray belt no one seemed to miss. The sun stroked her arms in the red tank top she wore, and momentarily she closed her eyes to just bask in the warmth and peace.

"His name isn't in that," Carl finally insisted. Evan shot him a grin.

"Are you sure?"

"What is his name?" Sophie asked, her raggedy doll clutched tightly in her left hand.

"He tipped his hat and drew his cane," Evan said, slowly, a meaning look on her face. "And drew his cane," she repeated.

Suddenly Carl's eyes lit up. "Andrew!"

Before Evan had a chance to praise him Daryl was at their side, seizing Carl with one hand and the other holding a finger up in front of his lips. Evan grabbed Sophia's hand without hesitation and got to her feet, glancing in the direction Daryl was pointing. Walkers. Many of them. Too many. Evan's heart sank as she looked back on the man, begging him for directions.

"Get under the cars," he whispered, shoving her harshly towards the green truck which wasn't more than ten feet to their left.

Evan nodded, taking Carl's hand in hers too, pulling them down low, and creeping as fast as she could with them in tow towards the truck. The walkers were still far enough away so that there was a possibility they hadn't been spotted and Evan prayed that was the case. While moving she looked around the camp and realized that the others had hid as well. She turned and glanced towards the hill where T-Dog had been keeping watch but it was empty. The group had efficiently and silently hid as soon as the threat neared.

Without words she helped Carl and Sophia to crawl into position under the truck and joined them soon after, her arms wrapped tightly around their smaller frames; she had settled in between them, to be able to keep both of them as calm as possible. From under there she could spot Glenn and Lori under the car in front of them and she assumed the others were under or in the remaining cars, maybe one or two of them were in the tents as well. She hoped not, because in there they wouldn't stand a chance. Sophia let out a soft whimper but Evan quickly slammed a hand over her mouth. She knew she was being rough, but if she wasn't then they could all lose their lives. As the walkers came closer to their camp so did the familiar stench and the moaning noises coming from the corpses. Evan's heart was beating so loudly she was sure it would give their position away. Soon enough, too soon, dragging feet were walking next to the car, too close for comfort. Evan pulled the kids in closer, pressing her cheek into Sophia's hair, hoping the contact would calm the shivering child.

Suddenly Evan realized she hadn't seen where Daryl had gone, but she hoped he was safe. Just as the thoughts crossed her mind she saw feet not belonging to the dead appearing on the right side of the car, while the walkers were on the left of it. She recognized the boots. Daryl. But why? The answer came when blood suddenly dripped from nowhere and Evan had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from making a sound. She recognized those shoes too, and knew it must be Shane. Why they were there, next to the truck, and why he was bleeding, she didn't know. She leaned up, looking above the heads close to her, and tried to assess how much space there was. Could she let Daryl and Shane join them? With a sinking heart she realized that there was no way. Even if she was able to move herself and the kids without making a sound they would be too close to the walking dead if she did.

A thump threw her heart into the back of her throat and she saw the walker lying flat on his stomach to her right. Daryl, or Shane, must have silently killed it when it strayed to their side of the truck. Blood and other fluids oozed out of the hole in the skull and Evan gulped, turning Carl's head, making sure he didn't see. Silently she looked back, and when she saw how many walkers were approaching she couldn't help the burning tears. Daryl and Shane didn't stand a chance where they were, for now they had been lucky, only a stray walker venturing to their side of the vehicle, but Evan guessed that there must be at least another 20 or so slowly making their way towards them. They wouldn't be that lucky. Suddenly Shane was on the ground, on his back, his eyes meeting Evan's. She could see her panic reflect on his face too. She reached for his hand, holding it momentarily as Daryl piled the walker on top of him. "Fucking brilliant," Evan thought. If Shane was lucky the walkers wouldn't be able to smell him.

Before Evan could even consider Daryl's safety another walker fell, and seconds later Daryl was underneath what had at some point been a brown haired woman. The following minutes felt like years, each second passing slowly, reluctantly, as the walkers made their way past the car. Evan could hear the moans, and feel the reeking stench, but none of them reached under the car to grab her or the kids. None of them seemed to have gotten their claws on anyone in the group. She could hear the unmistakable sound of their tents being explored, but no screams followed. No gunshots. She dared hope that this would turn out okay. That in the end they would all make it with their lives intact. She was wrong.

The violent screams intruded her consciousness, and instantly the walkers next to the truck stopped, re-organized themselves and then aimed for the screamer. It took Evan a moment to figure out who it was. T-Dog. Her heart sank, and tears rolled down her cheeks silently as she held onto the kids even tighter, praying that they would have enough sense to not react or make any sounds. Her eyes met Shane's, and she smothered a sob as the cries grew louder, swearing joining in, and a gun being fired. Why wasn't anyone helping him? This time Shane's hand found hers, and the look in his eyes told her exactly why no one was coming to the black man's aid. The survival of the group – that was the most important thing. The survival of the many, and not the individual. Her fingers wrapped tighter around Shane's bigger and stronger ones. His skin against hers oddly comforting, as the screams subsided. At first Evan assumed it was because T-Dog had finally met his fate, but then she realized it was because he was moving away. Away from them. Taking the walkers with him.

"Come on," Daryl suddenly whispered from his position next to Shane. Neither Shane nor Evan needed to be told twice. With the herd moving away, following the dying man who was giving his life for them, they had a chance to escape.

Shane's hand still in hers, he tugged her out, helping Carl and Sophia to get to their feet as well. Evan saw the bleeding wound on Shane's arm but he shook his head; it wasn't a bite. Relieved she followed Daryl's instructions and as silently as possibly opened the door of the truck, helping the kids inside. She looked around momentarily before joining them and saw that the others were doing the exact same thing. While everyone was salvaging what they could and piling quickly into the vehicles Daryl took out a few walkers with his crossbow and knife. The large herd had moved on, but it seemed some of them were slower than others.

"Where's my mum?" Sophia asked as soon as Evan had crawled into the backseat, and Evan pointed towards the van.

"She's in there. I saw her with Dale just now. She's fine." Evan tried her best to calm the shivering and sobbing girl, who nodded slowly.

Before long, Shane and Daryl had both gotten into the truck, with Daryl cursing over the fact that he'd have to leave the motorcycle behind and Shane doing his best to keep pressure on the wound on his upper arm but the blood slipped through his fingers easily. Evan looked around and found a stray shirt on the floor, reaching down to pick it up as Daryl turned the key in the ignition. Through the windshield Evan could see the other cars starting up as well, and they all pulled out at the same time as the walkers started returning. With the shirt in her hand she leaned forward, into the front seat as best as she could while the truck moved quickly towards the road from which they'd come earlier.

"Let me see," she said, moving Shane's hands with her own. "Here." She pressed the fabric as hard as she could against his skin, to try and stop the bleeding. It didn't look very deep, but out there without any real medical care even the smallest of cuts could kill.

"Thanks," Shane mumbled.

Evan didn't respond. Her mind was busy. In the past few days they had lost two people. Two friends. And they were on the road again. This time leaving behind their tents and a lot of their supplies as well. Knowing what she knew, Evan thought back to the last three people she had lost of her old group. She thought of their last moments and wondered if maybe they had been right. If maybe what they had done made sense. With dangerous thoughts invading her mind she let Shane hold the shirt in place himself and leaned back, sitting down carefully. Her hand seized Sophia's, and she offered the frightened girl a smile. When the little girl returned the smile Evan knew. The last three people of her old group hadn't been right. Not at all.


	11. Ten

A/N: This chapter is painfully short, I sincerely apologize. But the next won't be.

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Hours later their small convoy finally came to a halt. Lori and Carol came dashing towards the truck instantly; wanting to make sure their children were alright. With grateful smiles offered to Evan they had their own short reunions, while the men all gathered by their truck, Glenn pulling out the map again. They needed somewhere to go. They needed somewhere to stay.

"We've been to these towns," Rick said, tracing his finger along the map. He turned towards Evan who had joined them silently. "Is there anywhere else you haven't been that's not too far?"

Instead of answering the reality of what had just happened hit her like a ton of bricks, causing her to stagger. Dale, who was closest to her, reached out to help but she pushed him off, taking a step backwards. They had left him there. He had saved their lives by giving his and they had just left him there. To die. To come back as a walker. Tears burned her eyes and when she first heard the violent sobs she didn't realize they were coming from deep within her chest. Her back hit the side of the van, and her hands shot up to shield her face from view. And then she wept. She didn't only weep because they had lost a friend, but because of the fear that had been on her since the herd first approached them but that she had been forced to ignore. Under the truck, with a child in each arm, she had been forced to be strong. She had to stay silent, she had to keep them silent, and she had to keep them safe. Now that responsibility wasn't on her anymore, so she could finally let it all out. Daryl was on top of the van, keeping his eyes open, that responsibility rested on him now, and not on Evan. Hands found her again but this time she didn't push them off.

"It's okay," Dale said kindly. "At least we're still alive."

Evan shook her head violently and lowered her hands. "Nothing about this is okay." She was stuttering, choking on the words and sobs. "I'm thinking Lauren was right, and I hate that I think that."

The others had come to join the small gathering, and they were all listening to her words. To her breakdown. Some of them angrily, wanting her to shut up and deal with it. Others with sympathy and understanding.

"Who's Lauren?" It was Shane who finally asked what they all wanted to know.

"She was the woman I first met when I ran from my apartment. With her two teenage daughters." Another sob quavered her body and her lips trembled as bad as her voice.

"What did she say?" Glenn interjected, stepping closer.

"It's not what she said. It's what she did." Evan wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "When it was just the four of us, hiding in a basement, she told me that this wasn't a life. This wasn't enough to keep on fighting. It wasn't worth it. It was crueler to be forced to live in a nightmare than to die."

Silence. Everyone listening intently.

"Her daughters were thirteen and sixteen. And she shot them. Killed them. And then she put the gun to her own head."

No one had anything to say. Evan knew why. She understood why. Now she had calmed down, most of the grief having exploded already. She put her hand on Dale's, resting on her shoulder.

"I'm okay. I'm sorry. What she did wasn't right, I know that. I do know that," she said. "If you show me that map again I'll see if I can be of help."

Ignoring their looks she moved past them, giving Dale a grateful smile, and stepped up next to Rick. He said nothing, instead just motioned towards the map. She leaned forward, studying the lines and names carefully. She knew she'd been to a few of the places, but she also knew others who had visited the other towns. After looking in the close vicinity she started looking beyond that. Far beyond that.

"We could drive down here," she said, pointing towards Tallahassee and Jacksonville. "Our best bet would probably be to try and find a really remote farmhouse."

The sheriff and the others seemed to consider her words. Finally Rick nodded. "We'll head on that way for now, because at this point there isn't much else we can do." He turned towards the others. "Does that sound fair?"

When no one protested he instructed everyone to get back in their cars so they could keep going. Evan headed for the green truck again, having gotten used to traveling in it. Now, however, she was joined by Shane, Glenn and Andrea. And this time she took the passenger seat, next to Shane who was driving. Soon they were back on the road, everyone's spirit a little lower than it had been previously.

* * *

"How's the wound?" Evan asked when night started to fall around them. Shane took his eyes off the road for a second to look at her.

"It's fine. Thank you." He sounded sincere, and Evan wondered if this person was who he had been before the world went to shit.

"How did you manage that, by the way?" In the backseat Andrea and Glenn had fallen asleep, but Evan couldn't even attempt to close her eyes. Not yet. Fear was still gnawing too much.

"I cut myself on my own stupid knife," he admitted, his ears turning slightly red. Evan couldn't help but grin, and he caught it. "Not a word."

She held her hands up. "It's okay, secret is safe with me. Although," she added, drawing the word out slightly. "It's not like I'm very scared of someone who might take himself out long before he can get back at me for blabbing."

He heard the teasing tone in her voice and only scowled at her.

"So," she said, changing the subject. "How do you feel about heading south?"

Shane shrugged, his hands gripping the wheel tightly. "It's fine, I guess. As good an idea as any."

"Yeah we do seem to be running out of options," she agreed. Sighing she stretched her legs as much as she could in the cramped seat. "I'm sorry, by the way. The meltdown," she clarified when he shot her a confused look.

"That's alright."

"It just got to be too much. I understand why we didn't help T-Dog, but that doesn't mean I can't feel guilty. We still abandoned him, even if that was the right thing to do." Whatever casual aura had been enveloping them had disappeared.

"It was the right thing to do," Shane echoed and now his tone had changed again.

When silence again settled over them Evan wondered how far Shane would go because "it was the right thing to do".


	12. Eleven

A/N: Because the last chapter and this were so short, you may have another update. Reviews are welcome - and enjoyed quite a bit. *Hint hint*

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Their first five attempts at finding somewhere to stay backfired dangerously and in the process they came close to losing both Glenn and Sophia. But when Rick, Daryl and Shane slowly approached the white farmhouse in front of them it did look promising. Evan stood with her hand shielding her eyes from the sun, following every move of the men on the other side of the yard. In order to get in they had climbed a tall wooden fence, leaving the others with the cars all ready to go. From where Evan was standing she could spot a few still living crops in front of a relatively well-kept barn, but no sign of anyone dead. Or undead. No living either, for that matter.

Evan felt a smaller hand grasp hers and she looked down to see Sophia holding on tightly, and she smiled at the girl. When she looked back towards the house the men had disappeared out of sight and sweat started forming at the back of her neck. Not only because of the gazing sun. When it felt like hours had passed, although Evan knew that wasn't the case, they heard a low whistle. Seconds later Shane turned around the corner of the house, a wide smile on his face. He didn't need to say anything for them to know what it meant. They had found somewhere to stay. At least for the time being.

"Rick and Daryl are checking the fence now, to make sure it's secure," he informed them as he reached the wooden gate. Together with Glenn he opened it fully. "Drive the cars up to the back of the house," he instructed and no one was wasting any time. Hope was written on their faces once again.

* * *

As the day went on they cleaned out everything that didn't belong in the house and brought their own supplies in. The house had been empty and as far as they could figure no one had even died there. It seemed strange, but the owners seemed to have left, which didn't make sense since there was a high enough fence to at least give some protection towards the walkers. But instead of focusing on that everyone pulled their weight to make the house livable. Because of the well they had found on the grounds there was running water, albeit no hot water. That didn't faze them though, not after how they'd spent the past few weeks. There was a fair sized kitchen that had clearly been relatively cleaned out, but in the pantries Carol had found enough canned goods to keep them going for a little while. On the ground floor there was the kitchen, a living area, a bathroom and two small bedrooms. Upstairs there were another four bedrooms – all relatively small – as well as one and a half bath. When Evan opened the bedroom at the back of the house, next to the kitchen, her heart skipped a beat. The sight of an actual bed made her skin itch in anticipation. Without having to argue with anyone she claimed that bedroom as her own, as it was the smallest and she didn't need much room seeing as she was just one person.

When she dropped off what little possessions she had in there she took a good look around, enjoying the single bed with its blue sheets and covers. The walls were painted white just like the floors, and except for the bed there was a small wooden dresser and a bedside table. And that was it, except for a dark rug placed neatly on the floor. Without a word Evan had opened each of the drawers to look inside, and realized quickly that the room had belonged to a woman. Maybe an aunt, judging by the style of the clothes. But they seemed to be close enough to her size that she could make use of them, and there was nothing wrong with them. Her hands stroked the soft fabrics gently, smiling to herself as she did. Once upon a time she would have hesitated to wear the clothes of a most likely dead person, but now that was long forgotten.

After checking out her room she helped settle everyone else in, and noted with an amused look that Daryl had claimed the couch in the living area for himself rather than picking a bedroom. Although he would never admit it, she suspected it was to give others the comfort. Glenn dropped his things in the room next to the living room, while the others made their way up the stairs. Evan helped Sophia carry some things into the room they had claimed on the second floor, and saw Lori and Carl pick another room at the other end of the hall. Dale and Andrea seemed to have chosen the remaining two bedrooms, and it was confirmed when Evan reached the ground floor again to find two worn down mattresses placed in the living room. No doubt for Rick and Shane, although Evan strongly suspected that the sheriff would continue his streak of never – almost never, at least – sleeping.

"The barn is empty," Daryl said when he walked in the door. "Lots of boards, looks like maybe they were going to add something else to the house, but that's about it."

Evan was struck by an idea and raised her hand, causing the others to pause. "We should definitely board up the windows on the ground floor, right?"

Rick studied her features before answering, "Yes, we should do that."

After that order was given out, tasks were handed around, and soon everyone had something to do. Daryl was to keep watch at the gate and Dale at the back of the house. Shane, Rick and Glenn would board up the windows and Evan volunteered to entertain the kids while Lori and Carol tried to sort out something edible for everyone. Andrea appointed herself the task to take yet another walk along the entire fence to make sure it was secure everywhere. As far as Evan could tell, the area inside the fence must be at least two or so acres big, which gave them quite a bit of room. The barn stood to the left of the main house when you were facing the front gate, which you could barely see from the porch of the house. The entire house and the surrounding areas reminded Evan of a farm she'd visited when she was younger. Her own family had always lived a suburban life, but she had always been fascinated with the vast outdoors. The large oak that grew in front of the barn looked like the perfect one to hang a tire swing in, and the scent of summer and wild flowers made the smile on Evan's lips impossible to stop.

With Carl and Sophia following her closely she chose a spot in the middle of the yard to sit down, ready to start another calm game with them. This time she opted for a simple word game.

"So," she said, "these are the rules. I'll say a word, and we'll have a theme, let's say animals. And when I've said a word, for example dog, you have to come up with a word starting with the last letter of the word I said. So I say dog, and then you must say an animal starting with the letter g, perhaps giraffe."

The game was simple and not the most entertaining one in the world, but it did keep the three of them occupied for the better part of an hour, with the animals getting more and more out of hand as time went on. Soon they found themselves making up their own animals, and decided they counted as long as they could give a long description of their appearance and characteristics. None of them could keep the laughter contained at the thought of the unlikely animals and their traits taking form. Evan leaned back, her hands resting in the soft grass. For now they were okay, because it was only July, but once winter came they'd be in a lot more trouble. Sure, they weren't likely to get covered in snow, but even cold nights without snow could be a problem. When Sophia brought Evan back to the present by describing her latest animal, a snork, she ignored all worries. That didn't need to weigh her down yet.

"Okay, let me think," Evan said, concentrating. "Kawout," she finally concluded much to the entertainment of both children. "It's a distant relative to the anteater, but it's blue and when it moves it only walks backwards."


	13. Twelve

A/N: Enjoy!

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When night fell the windows had been boarded up and all supplies sorted through. Evan and Carol had managed to bring together a nice dinner and Sophia had shrieked when she was forced to take a shower in the freezing water. Daryl and Glenn had taken first watch, one at the gate in the front and the other in a perfectly placed oak at the back of the property. Lori and Rick had both been unusually silent, with Shane throwing daggers in every which direction. Evan chose to ignore it, however, because nothing was allowed to bring her mood down. Not then. Not when they could see a silver lining at the edge of the dark clouds. Carol had also with the help of Andrea cleaned out the house, making it more appealing to stay in. All beds had been made as well as the mattresses that they'd found in the attic. It felt more like a home than anything had done since Evan first escaped her apartment and undead fiancé.

"I'm going to bed," Carol announced, taking Sophia's hand. It wasn't much later than eight or so, but everyone was exhausted to the core. Together the pair left the rest who had taken up the living room, with a small fire burning in the open fireplace.

"See you tomorrow," was all Lori said when she led her son out of the room. Next Dale followed suit, Andrea too.

"Well," Evan said rising. "I guess I'll hit the hay as well." Her tone was light, and Shane's grumpy exterior softened for a second, but then turned cold again.

Seconds after she had shut the door to her little room there was a knock and she opened it slowly.

"Can I talk to you?" It was Rick, an unreadable expression on his face. Evan only nodded, stepping aside to let him in. He was rubbing the back of his neck with one hand, with the other resting on his hip, where it usually was. "I just wanted to say that none of what happened was your fault. Earlier."

Evan said nothing, but started biting the inside of her cheek, unsure of whether she felt gratitude or anger at his words.

"When Amy died you blamed yourself. And then we lost T-Dog too. I assume you think that it's somehow your fault too? Especially after…" He didn't have to say "after your meltdown"; the words were badly hidden in the lines on his face.

"It's hard to know you've just joined a group and then people start dying," she admitted, crossing her arms over her chest, unsure of what else to do with them. She suddenly felt claustrophobic, as if the room was too small to hold two people. The walls seemed to creep closer, threatening to crush them both. She shook her head and took a step back, to give herself more space.

"We've lost people long before we found you," he said. "And unfortunately we'll probably lose more."

Evan wondered why the room had started spinning. She started rubbing her temples, taking yet another step back, the back of her knees hitting the bed, causing her to drop down on it.

"We're here now," she finally said from her involuntary position on the bed. "And if we're lucky we could possibly stay here through-out the winter. Or longer."

Rick remained by the door, silent.

"You blame yourself too." Evan turned the conversation around, throwing the focus from herself to the sheriff. If he reacted to her words he hid it well.

"I'm responsible for everyone."

"We're responsible for ourselves too. And besides, you're doing a good enough job." She meant what she said. Since Shane had insinuated – and flat out said – that Rick wasn't a good leader she had studied him more closely, only to come to the conclusion that Shane wasn't right in the slightest.

"That's not what everyone thinks." It was clear he also knew of Shane's opinions on his leader skills.

"Well," Evan drawled, "Maybe some people's opinions aren't worth shit."

Her bluntness caused him to laugh. "Maybe." Silence again. "Well, that's all I wanted to say. Good night."

He left before she had a chance to say anything back. Her heart felt lighter, knowing more profoundly now that it wasn't her fault that they'd lost two people since she joined them. And, she reminded herself, she had kept Sophia and Carl safe when hiding under the truck. With a slight smile she shook the last shreds of guilt away, at least for the time being. She got up and tugged her shirt over her head, before taking off the shorts she was wearing. She'd found a pair of men's shorts and a very outdated pajama top that she pulled on to sleep in. With a few quick movements of her fingers she braided her hair to the side and fastened it with a hairband she'd found in one of the bathrooms. Then she returned to the bed, pulling the sheets aside and climbing in. Thoughts and emotions whirled through her as she got situated, but nothing could be focused on properly, and that suited her fine. Sleep found her almost instantly.

* * *

When loud shouting awoke her panic struck immediately, until she realized they weren't sounds of fear but of anger. With confusion printed all over her features she climbed out of bed, stumbling, but steadying herself. After a moment of listening while rubbing sleep out of her eyes she realized it was Rick and Shane. Annoyance and dread came creeping when she made her way to the door, opening it carefully. They were in the kitchen – no wonder they had woken her up.

As soon as they saw her they fell silent and she wished that she'd heard what they were shouting, not just that they were shouting. They both looked furious, but Rick at least had the decency to sport an expression of guilt as well.

"I don't care what's going on," she said calmly, but with her voice sharp. "It's none of my business. But this house is filled with people who look to the both of you for directions and safety. And they're scared enough as it is. If you need to have it out with each other go outside and have a fucking fistfight, but _shut up_!"

Before she knew what had happened Shane had her left arm in a vice grip, and just as suddenly Rick had intervened.

"You are fucking stupid if you don't know what's going on!" Shane spat, his finger pointing sharply at Evan's shocked face.

"Enough," Rick said, pushing his former friend further away from the girl. It felt like that moment, that second, had been a defining one. Like the relationship with the two men had finally, after a long time, come to a point where it needed to either be salvaged or broken.

Shane's hands instantly came up, just as a few of the others peeked in, unsure of what was going on. "I'll be outside."

When he walked out the front door he slammed it, causing them all to wince. The expression on Rick's face wasn't angry anymore, but dejected and numb. Evan saw both Dale and Carol, but nodded at them both to leave, that she had it under control. Truth was she didn't know if she had anything under control, but right now Rick didn't look like he needed an audience. Lori lingered in the doorway.

"Rick," she said hesitantly.

"It's fine. I'll apologize to them tomorrow."

His eyes were on the table, while Lori's rested on his features. Evan bit her lip, thinking that she should leave, give the couple a chance to talk, but before she had the time to do anything Lori disappeared same as the others.

The sound of their lungs needing air was all that could be heard. Evan knew that right now some of the others were talking amongst themselves about the row, trying to figure out what had happened, but that wasn't important. Rick sat down at the table then, placing his hands over his face, rubbing it gently.

"I'm sorry," he said, the sound muffled by his rough fingers.

"Me too. My outburst didn't help. Sorry."

She took a seat as well, opposite the sheriff. Outside the wind made the trees dance and stars glittered in the sky, making everything look peaceful. Inside a very tired man sat with his face hidden, the situation anything but peaceful. Then he moved, his hands now knotted together on the table in front of him. Evan tried to find anything to say. Something. Anything. But there was nothing. She didn't know the full situation, but she knew enough to realize that for some reason Shane had decided that Rick was a shitty leader and that he was doing more harm than good. Obviously the majority of the group didn't agree with that opinion, and that seemed to piss Shane off further. In spite of knowing that tough, Evan knew there was more to it. A lot more to it. Two best friends didn't end up like that for no reason.

When words – at least any that made sense – failed her Evan settled for reaching across the table to place her hand lightly on Rick's. His eyes met hers, and he knew. He got it. She didn't have to say anything. That silent moment and slight touch was enough. She didn't blame him, and that was all he needed to know.


	14. Thirteen

A/N: Thanks to **BethanyLeeRenner**, **iheartteensoaps** and **Guest** for your kind reviews!

* * *

There was a heavy tension among them the next morning, but no one wanted to address it. Shane hadn't re-appeared in the house yet, and Rick had been on the second floor, looking constantly out the window in the hallway overviewing the entire front yard. Evan and Carol had silently made the agreement to try and keep everyone's mind off of the fight, so they talked cheerfully when they served breakfast and chattered about what they should do during the day.

"I don't know anything about gardening, because I've killed pretty much every single plant I've ever owned, but there were some vegetables growing by the barn, right?" Evan asked, chewing on a preserved peach. "We could see if it's edible, and then, gather, uh, whatever it is you need to sow more of, eh, them…"

Carol snickered, as did Carl and Sophia. Even Lori allowed a smile to appear for a second. Andrea and Dale had taken over watch after Daryl and Glenn who were trying to catch some sleep. Evan suspected they'd get more sleep than she had.

"We should definitely inspect the garden," Carol agreed, still grinning.

* * *

In the following days everything seemed to constantly come to an edge. Shane and Rick didn't speak. Rick and Lori didn't speak. And Andrea had been conversing more than a little with Shane and she too seemed to avoid Rick like the plague. Carol and Evan did their best to keep up appearances for Carl and Sophia at least, so that they didn't have to worry about the internal war that was threatening to break out at any moment. Glenn seemed lost at what to say or do, so Dale dragged him along to work on the cars, teaching him how to fix them if need be. Rick wandered around, looking more and more tense, not really interacting with anyone if it wasn't to remind someone about watch or asking them to check the perimeter. During the day everyone busied themselves with different things, and then things seemed almost normal. But when night embraced them nothing was normal.

Since they'd arrived at the farmhouse only a handful of walkers had crossed their paths, and there hadn't been a single sign of any other survivors. That should have meant that everyone could relax but because of everything that was going on no one could breathe easily. Everyone was on their toes, always ready. It was driving Evan mad, and finally, while Shane did his usual death glaring towards Rick who was keeping watch by the gate, she snapped. Angrily she stormed up to him, seized his arm, and dragged him along with her, around the house, to where no one could see or hear them. Of course Shane could have ripped out of her grip easily, but decided not to.

"What?" he snapped instead, once they came to a halt.

"What is going on?" Evan demanded. "It's none of my business, and I don't really care. But we – all of us – are dependent on each other to stay alive!"

He shook his head, sneering.

"Don't you get that we're trying to survive out here, against impossible odds?" Her voice was sharp, and her fingers itched to slap his stupid face. "Whatever is going on, this just isn't the time or place. If walkers would overrun us tomorrow, everyone should be able to trust that we won't be caught off guard, and that no one will hesitate to save a life."

"He-" Shane started, but Evan cut him off.

"He this, and he that, and I those." She threw her hands up for emphasis. "This is fucking ridiculous. You think he's such a shit leader? Then get out of here, no one's making you stay."

"I would leave if I could," he replied, his voice as icy as hers.

"No one's making you stay," she repeated. Then, when he shifted and glanced away, it hit her. "So you're staying for someone else."

Silence. He wasn't going to spill, and she didn't really care.

"This is turning into a shitty daytime soap, Shane. It's got to stop. So work it out, preferably without bloodshed." She put her hands on her hips and stared him flat in the eye. "It's got to stop."

He shook his head again. "Whatever."

If he hadn't walked away right then she would have kicked him in the shins.

When she was alone again she leaned against the wall of the house and let out an annoyed breath. Now she'd tried. She'd stepped up and been the person who tried to reason with one of the boys on a war path, and she was done. It wasn't her job to fix things. If they wanted to act out like children they could. Frustrated she left her position at the side of the house and made her way to the back. She spotted Dale standing below the tree they used to keep watch, and she smiled as she approached him.

"Hi," she called when she got closer and he returned the greeting with a smile. "See anything?"

"Not today, no." The wind made his colorful shirt move slightly and he rubbed his bearded chin. "I need to tell you something about Shane."

His smile was gone, and Evan only nodded, shifting from one foot to the other.

"A few nights before they found you, Shane and another guy who was also a stranger had been on a run to find supplies. Rick had taken the man in, when he explained that he'd been separated from the rest of his group. His name was James, and he was a decent enough guy. Didn't know him too well." He sighed, gripping his rifle tighter. "Only Shane made it back, with two bags of food and medical supplies and other necessities. Said James had handed his bag to him and told him to run for it. Everyone was so grateful that at least Shane had made it back and that he had a lot of useful things with them that they didn't think much more of it."

"But you thought about it," Evan concluded, although she didn't know where the old man was heading.

"I think Shane sacrificed James to save himself. He made it clear from the beginning that he didn't want him here, and that Rick was a fool for letting him stay." His eyes were grim and his voice low. Steady. Serious. "I think he shot James, maybe in the foot, or the leg, and then left him for bait so he could get away himself. Shane used to be a good guy, but he's changed. A lot."

Evan didn't doubt that at all, from what she'd seen of him. Although there had been glimmers of who she suspected he'd been before. When he held her hand as she hid under the truck, for example. That man hadn't been one capable of what Dale was saying. But the man grabbing her arm harshly in the middle of the night because she tried to stop a fight definitely was.

"Is that why he thinks Rick is a bad leader?" she asked finally.

"He thinks that Rick is taking too many risks. That he's so keen on saving everyone that his family and group suffer for it."

Evan realized the whole truth of those words. "He didn't want me to stay, and if he'd been alone with me like with James I wouldn't be here."

Dale didn't reply, because it hadn't been a question. Fear made itself reminded when Evan swallowed, trying to wrap her head around this new information.

"He won't leave," she said, trying to keep her voice even. "He's staying for someone."

"Lori."

When the name dropped from Dale's lips everything suddenly made sense. Shane was in love with – or at least wanted – Lori, and probably saw himself as better at keeping her safe than Rick. This would explain why he was so furious. But it didn't explain why Lori acted the way she did towards her own husband. Regardless of what Shane felt, that only mattered if Lori…

"Oh." Evan finally saw the whole picture. Or at least enough of it.

"Yes."

"When?"

"Before. Shane and Lori both thought Rick was dead."

"Oh."

Silence. There wasn't much to say. In the end, it was Evan who spoke first.

"I'll keep an eye on him," she said, and she meant it.

"Same here. I don't trust him now."

She put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it lightly. "Thanks for telling me."

"Of course."

When she walked away she had a lot of new information to process. This put everything into perspective and it explained a lot. The biggest question that formed in her mind however, was what it all meant. Where would it lead them? Evan had been with the group for nearly six weeks, and she had come to like most of them in their own way. And respect them. She admired Carol greatly for her strength when it came to her daughter, as well as the way she always shouldered the responsibility of organizing things for them. She respected Dale and Glenn because of how high their spirits seemed to be most of the time, and how they both tried to lighten the mood whenever it went south. Although she didn't know Andrea well, she still liked the blonde well enough, and Daryl, albeit very silent, was an extraordinary hunter and had a lot more depth to him than he wanted to let on. Then there was Rick.

Evan took a deep breath and stopped for a moment, having reached the front yard where she could see her friends doing this or that. Rick. She respected him too, because in spite of what Shane said he was a good leader. A great leader. But she pitied him too. His wife and his best friend knocking boots while thinking he was dead. And then that seemed to get even more complicated and all the while that shit went down he had to be a good father and a strong leader. It seemed to weigh him down so much sometimes that Evan wasn't sure how he even managed to keep going. Suddenly she saw Carol waving at her, and Sophia motioned for her to join them by the small garden they'd been mending. Smiling Evan headed towards them, pushing all thoughts of Shane, Lori and Rick to the back of her head. She didn't know what to do with the information yet, or if she should even do anything, so it would have to wait until she had the time and energy to try and figure it out.


	15. Fourteen

A/N: I just might give you another chapter later tonight after this. Stay tuned and enjoy!

* * *

When the dark clouds started rolling in, worry was painted on everyone's features. The house was in great condition, but if the storm would rip any of it apart they wouldn't have many means of sorting it out. It also meant that it would be too dangerous to force anyone to keep watch outside. Rick asked Dale to keep watch from the barn, since you could see the gate fair enough from there, but when it came to the back someone had to look out the window of one of the upstairs windows. Evan volunteered, but Rick shook his head and said he wanted her on the porch, to keep an eye on the front as well. Shane and Andrea decided to watch the back. The minute the first lightning sliced the sky Evan grabbed her gun and a blanket from the couch and went to the porch, sitting down on the wooden bench that adorned it.

Rain followed, and Evan tugged the blanket closer as she had to squint to see anything at all. The night was dark, with the wind picking up and the rain slapping the roof, and the occasional lightning bolt being followed by the crackling of thunder. Evan wondered whether this storm would make the walkers more or less active. At least, she thought, they would be able to use their guns to take them out without worrying about attracting others.

Suddenly someone joined her on the bench and Evan saw Daryl looking back at her, his face serious. "They're fighting again."

Evan didn't have to ask who. She had hoped that there'd be some sort of truce, at least for now. Through the storm. They had bigger issues. "Figures."

"It's stupid."

"No arguments here," she replied, sighing. The wind seemed to pick up, and then chaos erupted.

To their left a window broke when someone threw an object through it, glass flying everywhere. At the same time lightning struck the front gate, the sound of wood being torn apart reaching them even over the screaming of the storm. And then they saw the walkers. Not too many of them, but enough to cause concern, maybe ten or so. Before anyone had the time to do anything, Rick and Shane both followed the object – a Bible, ironically – out the window, fists and curses flying everywhere. Lori and Carol stormed through the door, doing their best to break the violent fight up, and Daryl tried to make everyone aware of the bigger threat closing in on the house. Evan barely had time to register it before it had happened, and her heart sank. Sophia, who had snuck out onto the porch together with Carl, had in a fit of panic, hurled herself out of the house, into the yard, and was running with all her might away from the walkers. Apparently, in her mind, being in the confinement of the house was a bigger danger than being out there in the open. Carol made an effort to follow her daughter, calling out her name, but Evan stopped her. Shane and Rick seemed to have come to their senses, and stood up just in time to open fire.

"I'll get her," Evan assured Carol, wasting no time, throwing herself off the porch, slipping slightly in the wet grass and then running after the panicked little girl.

Rain slapped her face as she did her best to catch up with the child, her feet sliding more than once. She called out, but to no avail. Sophia headed towards the back, completely overtaken by fear. Evan cursed loudly when she finally fell, her ass making contact with the ground harshly. Without focusing on the pain that shot through her she threw herself back up, angry with herself for falling. When she reached the fence at the back of the house Sophia had already jumped into the grass beyond. Evan knew that Sophia's actions were irrational, but she also knew that children aren't always the best judge of what is the smartest road to take. She had seen the kids in her kindergarten class make the wrong choice too often not to recognize the behavior in Sophia's flight. Cursing as she went, Evan managed to get herself over the fence, her blue shirt getting momentarily stuck on a piece of wood that stuck out. Another swear fell from her lips as she pulled herself free before falling once again.

"Sophia!" she tried again, getting up, running. She pulled her arms in, squinting in the rain, the fabric of her clothes clinging to her freezing body.

When she reached the line of trees she had lost sight of the girl and now fear squeezed her heart so tightly she thought it might break. And in her haste she hadn't even brought a weapon. Tears started burning as she glanced behind her, seeing nothing, and hoping that it didn't mean that everyone else was dead or worse. Turning forward she jogged into the forest, calling for the girl repeatedly. This wasn't happening. This could not be happening. Evan promised herself that she would never forgive Shane or Rick if Sophia didn't safely make it back to the farm.

Evan kept running, calling out to Sophia every few minutes, until her legs were numb and her voice hoarse. Soon she had lost track of where the farmhouse was, and from what direction she had come. She turned, once, twice, trying to decide where to head next. Another shout to the girl, unanswered. Evan started sobbing, despair the new feeling to claw at her. Fuck Rick. Fuck Shane. Fuck Carol for not keeping an eye on her kid. Fuck Sophia for being so stupid. Rage replaced grief, even if it was just as irrational as the little girl's own actions. Suddenly she saw movement to her right and stopped, focusing her eyes as best as she could.

"No!" she cried. "Go away!"

She turned around, heading in the opposite direction now, forgetting all about Sophia, desperate to get away from the walker that had without a doubt seen her. Or heard her. Or both. Without knowing what way she was going she picked up the pace as much as she could. She could hear the growling behind her and the sobs shaking her body got worse. Part of her thought that it would be better if she died instead of returning without Sophia. How would she ever explain to Carol that she didn't keep her promise of bringing her daughter back safe? She smacked right into a low growing branch, and cursed, but then she realized she might have found what could save her life. Ignoring the danger of climbing a tree during a storm she reached for the branches, pushing herself up with her feet, her shoes slipping slightly. Evan refused to give up, though, and pulled with her arms, crying out in frustration, although the sound was swallowed by another batch of thunder.

"No!" she cried again, when hands tried to wrap themselves around her feet. With another few shifts of her arms and legs she was up and out of reach. She looked down, seeing the walker with rotting flesh and snapping teeth extend its hands towards her. But she was safe, for the time being.

She wrapped her arms around the trunk, pressing her cheek to it, and wept. Sobs ripped through her and fear was spreading like wildfire through her veins. There was nothing she could do. She was unarmed. She was terrified. Her hip hurt like hell after her falls and she was soaked down to the bones. And she had lost Sophia.


	16. Fifteen

A/N: Major moment of momentness. Please review!

* * *

"She's up there!"

Evan's eyes fluttered open carefully, trying. She blinked in the brightness and tried to stop the world from spinning.

"Evan!"

Someone was calling her. Who? Evan didn't know. Her body ached and she felt strange. Floating. Hot. She coughed roughly, her throat aching afterwards. Where was she?

"Hey!"

Her arms were locked in a death grip around the trunk of the tree that had saved her life, and her legs dangled from the branch she was sitting on. Memories of previous events returned to her, slowly. Images, emotions, scents; all rushing through her mind. She felt as if she was sitting in a swing, and she was unable to stop everything from moving. Evan opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Someone called out to her again, but she couldn't hear them. She shifted to her right, letting go of the trunk, nausea washing over her now.

"Don't let go of the trunk, idiot!" Daryl snapped, and Evan flinched at how close he was. He had climbed up next to her while she mumbled incoherently, her mind still a mess. "She's not doing too great," he informed those on the ground.

"I'm sorry," Evan pushed out through chapped lips. Her body started to shiver violently and she reached for Daryl's hand, holding his fingers with hers. "I'm so sorry."

"Stop talking." He pulled his hand from her grasp easily, because of how weak she was. "I'm going to help you get down, c'mon."

The world blurred together, but through the haze Evan did what she was instructed as best as she could. Not just once did Daryl snap at her to listen closely to what he was saying; and she was trying. Really trying. But his words slurred together and she had a hard time seeing what she was doing or where he was pointing at her to put her hands. When they closed in on the ground she suddenly froze, grabbing the branches she was holding so tightly her hands started aching.

"The walker," she began, but he silenced her.

"I killed it, don't worry. Now work with me."

It felt to Evan like it took hours for her to reach the ground, and when she finally did she saw familiar faces looking at her with concern. Rick, Dale and Glenn peered at her. But not Carol. Evan thanked the heavens for that. How would she ever look Carol in the face again?

Overtaken by guilt once more she started crying. "I'm so sorry- I couldn't- I didn't- I didn't-" she stuttered through guttural sobs.

"I've got her," Daryl said picking her up off the ground when it was clear that she wouldn't be able to walk on her own. He mumbled something to the others and then turned, moving quickly through the trees.

A string of apologies and stuttered words fell from Evan's lips repeatedly, as best as she could, her voice breaking often into more sobbing. To her the journey back to the house seemed to take seconds, mostly because of how unhinged her mind was. She was barely aware of having reached the house, or being placed on a soft mattress. Voices echoed around her but she couldn't decipher what anything meant. Continued rambles of apologies and failure spilled instead.

"She's got a high fever." Evan heard the words and she felt the hand on her forehead, but she couldn't place it. The skin against hers burned and she hissed, attempting to lift her own hands to brush it away, but being unable to do so. "Daryl, go see if we've got anything against fever tucked away somewhere."

It was the last she heard before she fell completely into the waiting darkness.

* * *

The next time her eyes opened she felt hot and weak, but not like her brain had turned into mush. She blinked, attempting to move a little. Her head was throbbing and her entire body felt sore. Evan was on her back, in her own bed she realized. Slowly she tried to sit up, her arms shaking when they attempted to hold her body up. But she managed; she got into a sitting position. Slowly, as if she was a hundred years old, she swung her legs off the edge of the bed. She knew she shouldn't be even attempting to get out of bed, but she was determined to find out what had happened. She had to know if Sophia was alright, if anyone else had died, if they'd taken care of the walkers. And a million other things that whirled in her mind. She could remember everything that had happened when she ran after the girl, and how she'd hid in the tree, and she had a faint memory of Daryl helping her out of it and taking her back to the house. But she couldn't remember if she'd seen anyone else. For all she knew Daryl and her could be the only survivors. She shivered at the thought and pushed herself off the bed.

She fell forward, towards the dresser, but her hands caught her and she managed to straighten up. Her mind started spinning again, but she willed it away, blinking repeatedly. She _had_ to know what had happened. Slowly, too slowly for her liking, she made her way to the door, opening it after fumbling with the knob for a few seconds. The kitchen was empty, and dread started building, joining the nausea and feverish feelings.

"What are you doing up?" It was Rick, and she could have cried from relief. He was wearing a t-shirt and jeans, looking as if he'd just been sleeping. Maybe it was the middle of the night. Evan couldn't be sure, she couldn't focus on anything properly.

"What happened?" Evan asked, ignoring his question.

He rushed towards her when she stumbled again and helped her sit down, and then pulling out the chair next to hers at the kitchen table. "What do you remember?"

"The storm. Sophia. The walkers. Running. The tree. That's it."

His hand left her shoulder and instead it rubbed his eyes. "You disappeared, running after Sophia, and we wanted to go after you immediately but the walkers were too many to be ignored. We were all needed there."

"I didn't find her," she whispered, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

"Neither did we."

The words hit her like a sledgehammer. "No," she mumbled, covering her face with her hands. "No, no, no, no, no."

"The walkers got Andrea," he continued, ignoring her ranting. "But no one else. Everyone else is safe. We went to find you then, and we looked everywhere. Everyone except Carol, Lori and Carl were out there, looking."

"Oh God, no, no, no." Tears and sobs overpowered her, the guilt feasting on her insides.

"Then Daryl found you in that tree, you had a fever and you were saying things that didn't make sense. He got you back here, and you've been out for almost a week. We thought you were gone."

She stood up, the chair falling backwards with a bang. He followed, and reached for her but she pushed him away, stepping back, tripping over the chair and falling on her ass.

"I promised I'd find her, I promised!" she wailed. "I tried so hard, I tried so fucking hard!"

Rick sank to the floor next to her, unshed tears evident in the depth of his eyes too, at the sight of Evan's breakdown. He tried again to place a hand on her shoulder, and this time she didn't recoil. She leaned towards him then, face finding his shoulder, as she wept into his shirt. Continued words of her failure came out in huffs in between sobs, but he said nothing. He wrapped one arm around her and let the other rest on her thigh. There was nothing he could say, and he was just as crushed as she was.

"Carol must hate me," she mumbled when she worst of the grief had left her tired body. "I failed her, and I failed Sophia."

"She doesn't," he assured her gently. "It wasn't your fault. You tried your best." His voice broke and he swallowed. "We've been looking for her since that night but we haven't seen a single sign of her."

Then other memories came rolling, and she roughly moved away from him. When he opened his mouth to protest she reached out and slapped him as hard as she could. His hand instantly went up to where her palm had just made contact.

"If you and Shane hadn't behaved like fucking savages this wouldn't have happened!" She struggled to get to her feet, and when he followed she raised her hand to dish out another slap.

Before she had a chance he had grabbed her harshly and pulled her back into her room, where he shoved her aside and closed the door behind them. "Don't you think I know that?" he hissed.

"Then what the hell possessed you to do something so stupid?!" Her voice was trembling with anger. She wasn't really that angry with Rick, but she couldn't take shouldering all the blame, and she needed someone else to go down with her. Her hand stung from hitting him and she felt guilty for that too, but she bit it back.

"It got out of hand."

"No shit."

Rage flared from the both of them. Her because she needed to focus her anger on someone but herself, and him for the exact same reasons.

"I know Shane was right, okay?" he said finally, leaning back against the door. "He had it right all along. I can't keep this group safe."

She was surprised when she heard the unshed tears in his voice. "Shane was distracted too. Shane was unable to keep us safe too."

The first tear rolled down his cheek slowly, and it bothered her. She didn't have much experience with men crying. Her father had never been a crier and Tom would have been caught dead rather than crying. Tears were for girls, he thought. Yet there, in front of her, stood a man who had once been a respected and strong sheriff, weeping freely. His hands tangled in his messy hair and for the first time that night she saw how fragile he had become. He'd lost weight, neglected shaving even though they did have some supplies for it, and his clothes looked like he hadn't changed them in days. His eyes weren't just brimmed with tears, but a tiredness Evan hadn't seen before as well.

Ignoring the pulsating pain in her head and the weakness of her knees she approached Rick again, and this time it was her turn to offer comfort. Her hands found his and she held them in between her own much smaller ones. They stood together, uncomfortably in the form of half embrace, until Rick had spent the excess of his sorrow too. Evan knew they'd been loud, and she wondered for a moment why no one else had showed up, but figured that perhaps they had been given a moment alone. Evan had needed to let out her feelings, and she knew that at least Dale would have made sure that she was allowed to do so freely. Or, she thought, maybe no one cared anymore after having lost two more people.

"Shane wasn't right," she repeated when he had calmed down enough to hear her. "He just wasn't."

Rick let out a snort. "That's not what the rest of them think."

"You mean Lori, right?" she asked, her hands still on his, and her forehead now resting against his. It was like they both needed the closeness in that moment, because out of everyone in the house they were the ones shouldering the same heavy guilt. It linked them, in a way.

"Yeah." He paused, taking a deep breath. "She thinks it's my fault that we lost Amy. And T-Dog. And Sophia. And Andrea. I think she's right."

Evan shook her head as best as she could with the intense pain increasing with every little movement. "She's not right. You've done your best to keep everyone safe. The world is fucking insane now, Rick, and it's impossible to save everyone."

"I should have kept them safe," he insisted.

"Listen," she said flatly. "We could play the blame game all night, but let's just straighten out what's really going on here. You feel guilty and I'm saying you shouldn't. I feel guilty and you're saying I shouldn't. Right? Let's just agree to disagree and not feel so horribly guilty the both of us."

He grinned, and she leaned away, moving out from his personal space. But her hands didn't leave his. "That sounds reasonable."

"You know," she started, "I've never seen a man cry before." He dropped her hands and wiped the last traces of his tears away, a smile tugging at his lips. "I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just very new to me."

"I'm not much of a crier either," he admitted. His hands left his face and found hers again, his fingers wrapping around hers.

Evan knew that their position was crazy, and that the way they were insisting on skin contact was insane, but it didn't matter. It wasn't about anything other than comfort. She had been alone since the outbreak, never having anyone she could really depend on or go to when she needed to vent. And Rick had been alone since his wife and best friend started blaming him for everything that went wrong. They both needed someone who would listen, who would hold their hand and who would tell them that they were being fucking stupid for blaming themselves.

"I'm sorry I slapped you." Evan reached for his cheek, stroking it gently with her thumb. "I've never slapped anyone before either."

"You should get some sleep," he said then, breaking their contact. The bubble they had been in seemed to burst around them and Evan couldn't stop the disappointment.

"So should you. You haven't slept much since the storm." It wasn't a question, she already knew from looking into his eyes.

"My brain refuses to be silent enough for me to be able to sleep." His arm extended again, this time so his hand could rest on her cheek. Their movements seemed to mirror each other, like they were acting in synch.

"I know how that feels," she mumbled.

Then the moment was over, completely. Rick pulled his hand back, placing it in the front pocket of his jeans. "I'll leave you to it."

"Good night," she replied, but he was already gone. Evan remained in her room, confusion, anger, grief and guilt still lingering behind. The skin he had touched still felt warm, as if he had left a piece of himself there with her when he left. The thought comforted her slightly, and she returned to bed doing her best to ignore the new feelings their conversation had sparked.


	17. Sixteen

A/N: Thanks Guest for the review! Enjoy my friends, and know that I just finished writing chapter 44...

* * *

Evan wanted to sleep but it refused to return to her. Not after everything, regardless of how terrible she felt or how exhausted she was. She eventually gave up, letting out a frustrated sigh as she climbed back to her feet, in search for new clothes to wear. She peeled off the ones someone had helped her into after her adventure in the woods (someone's sweatpants and a much too big t-shirt) and instead pulled on her blue jeans and a yellow t-shirt with a logo on the front. She pushed her hair to the side, but didn't bother to tie it up. She longed for a shower, even a cold one, but it had to wait. Silently she snuck back into the kitchen, moving through it and into the living room. Daryl was thrown on the couch, breathing heavily. Making sure not to wake him she left that room too and headed for the front door. With a certain hesitation she opened it, glancing outside, unsure of what she would see.

Nothing. The porch looked like it always had. The glass had been brushed away and the bench stood in its normal position. The railing was intact; there was no blood to speak of anywhere in sight. The only sign of what had happened the week before was the plastic bag someone had taped over the broken window. Evan took a few steps out into the yard, having ignored both shoes and socks, relishing the feel of the damp morning grass tickling her feet. She took a few deep breaths, closing her eyes, and willing her head to stay silent for a moment. The sky was tainted pink where the sun was doing its best to begin the day and Evan focused on the beauty of it. She noticed movement down where the gate had been (although she realized they must have replaced it somehow by now) and she let out a huff of relief when she recognized Glenn. If it had been Shane she wouldn't take responsibility for her actions.

"Hi," Glenn greeted her when she came closer. "You're awake."

"Yep," she confirmed. She stopped when she was about five feet away from him and studied the new gate they'd put together. It wasn't pretty but it looked sturdy, and that was the only thing that mattered.

"How are you feeling?"

Evan smiled without joy and shook her head. "Like absolute shit. Not just physically, but mentally as well."

"Yeah." He seemed uncomfortable and Evan couldn't really blame him for that. "I'm glad to see you're alive, though."

"I shift from being very glad to being alive to angry about it," she confessed. "Sophia should be here right now, not me."

Glenn didn't reply, instead he looked beyond the gate again, keeping watch as he should. Evan was grateful for the silence and enjoyed standing there with him, concentrating on the rising sun and her own steady breathing. Together, but without a conversation, they greeted the day. Finally Dale showed up, ready to take over for Glenn. When his eyes fell on Evan he lit up.

"I'm so glad you're okay," he said honestly, embracing her in a warm hug.

"I'm not," Evan told him. "But I will be. Maybe. Hopefully."

"I'm here if you want to talk."

"I know. Thank you. I'm going to head back in with Glenn."

She followed the young Asian, leaving her friend at the makeshift gate. Her feet had gone slightly numb from the cold but she knew they'd be alright as soon as she got inside. Exhaustion was still tugging at her but she knew that her mind wouldn't let her sleep. Not now. Not yet. She knew that she had one more person she needed to talk to before she could relax. And she found that person in the kitchen after Glenn had excused himself and gone upstairs to sleep.

For a long moment Evan just stood in the doorway, her eyes frozen on the woman whose daughter she had failed to save. Carol had noticed her the moment she stepped in, and grief was painfully obvious in every single line on her face.

"I'm sorry," Evan pressed out finally, the words feeling as heavy as a million cars piled on top of her fragile body.

"I know," Carol said, tears building at the corner of her eyes. "You told me already. When they found you in that tree. You kept saying it while Lori and I were trying to help you. And then you said it whenever someone went in to check on you the following days. You've said it enough already."

Evan shook her head. "I can't ever say it enough."

"You went after her. No one else did, because they had too much to focus on. But you tried, and that means a lot." Carol stepped closer, but Evan wished she wouldn't. She wasn't sure she could handle being so close to the woman she'd let down. "I don't blame you. You nearly died trying to save her. And she- she could still be out there. We just haven't found her yet."

Evan closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around her friend, in spite of what she'd felt only moments before. "We'll look until we find her. I promise."

* * *

Four days later she was walking next to Daryl in silence, in spite of Dale and Rick's protests that she was still too sick to venture out into the woods. She had brushed them aside, lying and saying that she felt fine. She didn't. Her head still ached and spells of dizziness struck her every now and again. But she had to be out there, looking. She had to. Daryl had been on her side, and when the others continued to argue with her he simply took her arm and led her out from the house. She was grateful for that, because he didn't baby her or treat her like she was made out of glass.

The others had found a map in the attic on the second day, and created grids for them to search, so that they didn't just aimlessly walk around in circles out there. Evan and Daryl was going west from where Sophia had originally left the farm. Apparently they had asked Evan where she'd lost track of Sophia while she was tossing and turning with a high fever and she'd told them as best as she could in her state. Of course Evan remembered nothing of this but confirmed that what she'd told them was accurate.

Daryl held a hand up and Evan stopped instantly, holding her breath. Daryl held the crossbow up in front of him, getting ready to fire if need be, but a few moments later he indicated that it had been nothing. While walking around out there Evan wondered what she dreaded most. Never finding the girl or finding her dead. She decided that finding her undead would be the worst, because that would mean that someone had to put a bullet through her head, and then go back to the farm to tell her mother. Evan didn't even want to consider having to do that, and yet, strangely, she felt compelled to be the one to pull the trigger if it came to it. Maybe because she didn't want anyone else to have to do it.

The pair searched in silence, careful not to make too much noise, and always keeping their ears on full alert, in case Sophia would call for help. But they didn't see any sign of the girl. And they heard nothing. Evan's heart had sunk into the pit of her stomach as the hours passed. Finally Daryl said they had to start getting back if they didn't want to have to fumble through the woods in the darkness. Evan didn't argue, but felt useless nonetheless. The entire day had been a waste, they both knew it, everyone at the house knew it too when they returned, but no one said anything. No one wanted to say anything. The little hope Carol had left that her daughter might still be alive was keeping her upright. Taking that away from her would be cruel. And yet the words were there, at the back of everyone's heads. But no one was willing to give up. No one except for Shane. He'd said he was going to stay at the house and keep watch, trying to make it sound as if he would be more of help there, but it was obvious that he just didn't care. He saw it as a waste, it had been written all over his face when Evan saw him before leaving. Except for him only Carol had remained at the house together with Carl. The rest of them had gotten an area to search.

Daryl and Evan were the last pair to return, darkness already dangerously close to smothering them when they climbed back over the fence. The spirit of the group in the house was lower than ever, and Evan suspected it would continue to diminish until they found Sophia. The silence wasn't broken during dinner either, or when they all – save Carl, Lori and Shane – sat in the living area in front of the crackling fire. No one knew what to say, because there wasn't much to say. Finally they all left, one by one, until only Evan and Rick remained. For another long moment they sat there without a word too, but then the silence was broken.

"Do you think we should stop looking?" Rick asked, his eyes never leaving the fire. He was sitting on the sofa, his entire body showing how shitty he was really feeling. Evan turned towards him where she sat at the other end of the large piece of furniture. One of her hands picked at a stray thread in the brown fabric.

"No. I don't," she said finally. He turned towards her then.

"We're running out of food. And we had to give you a lot of medication for your fever," he started, and Evan felt a wave of guilt rolling in. "We have to try and find more supplies soon. More ammo too."

"Go tomorrow. Daryl and I can keep looking. I'm sure Shane will stay here as usual. So you, Glenn, Lori and Dale can go for supplies." She shifted in her seat, pulling her legs up underneath her.

He rubbed his tired eyes slowly. "I guess. It's just…"

"Carol doesn't want us to stop looking. Neither does Dale, and I'm sure Glenn doesn't mind either. I definitely don't want to give up. Not yet. And even Daryl is out there, doing his best to find any sign of Sophia." Evan knew where this was coming from, and it infuriated her. "Look, Shane is a fucking asshole. There, I said it. And he's wrong, too."

"Maybe he isn't. You know, Lori and him slept together. Before I caught up with them. While she thought I was dead." The way his voice trembled told her it was a hard subject for him to touch.

"I know," she said, and added, "Dale told me," when he shot her a confused look.

"Of course he did," he snorted. "She used to say it meant nothing, that it was only because she was so distressed over thinking she'd lost me."

"But now she's said something else?"

"No." He shook his head. "But I think it's obvious to everyone that our relationship is a joke at this point. She refuses to talk to me and the way she looks at me… with such hatred."

He focused on his hands that had folded together neatly in his lap. Although Evan was in her late twenties she had very little experience with broken relationships. Or shitty ones, at least. She had only had two previous boyfriends before Tom, and they had ended on mutual ground, because everyone involved realized the feelings weren't strong enough anymore. And with Tom… she had grieved him, sure, but losing him wasn't the same as what Rick and Lori were going through. Evan had no idea what to say. So instead she opted for showing him support the same way he had the last time they'd shared a private moment together. She shuffled closer to him and leaned her head against his shoulder.

"We had problems before all of this too," he admitted. "But it wasn't like this. I don't know. If this had never happened maybe we would have gotten divorced. Or we'd have lived happily ever after. I don't know anything anymore."

For a moment silence embraced them as Evan listened to his steady breathing. "Listen," she said. "Truth is that this has happened, and now nothing will ever work the same as it did before. You can't exactly get a divorce and start arguing over who gets what – because let's face it, neither of you own shit." He snorted then, and her own lips dragged up at the corners. "But you can still make a decision. You two can still talk and come to some form of agreement. Not just for the two of you, but for Carl as well. And the rest of the group."

He seemed to consider her words. "You're right," he finally decided.

"I know I am. God, look at you," she stated, leaning away from him and holding a hand out in front of him for emphasis. "Rick, you're not sleeping. You haven't showered or changed your clothes in a million days, and it's frankly a miracle that you haven't gone absolutely batshit crazy yet."

Suddenly he seemed unable to meet her gaze, and he looked away. Evan knew she'd hit a nerve, straying into a dangerous territory which could easily turn to an argument if she wasn't careful. But she didn't care, not right then. He deserved so much better than what he was feeling. He wasn't a bad person at all, and he most definitely wasn't to blame for everything that had happened.

"Hey," she said to get his attention. He glanced back at her and she offered him a smile. "Keeping it together in this world is harder than any of us ever could have imagined, but you're still doing it. You're not just keeping yourself together – albeit not always perfectly," she paused, grinning to take the edge off her words, "but you're keeping this group together as best you can too. We can't demand more than that from you. That isn't fair."

He still didn't say anything, but he nodded. He reached out for her, running his hand through her tangled mess of hair, and a small smile tugged at his lips. Evan knew that it would take a lot for Rick to finally let go of the overpowering guilt he was carrying, but she was willing to do whatever she could for the sheriff to get to that point. He was her friend and she cared about him.

"You should go to bed," he mumbled finally, pulling his hand back.

"Nope," she said, settling back down next to him. "I'll sit here with you for a while longer. In silence. Not speaking. Just hanging out."

She knew he had a smile on his face even though she couldn't see it, and with a light sigh she leaned against him again, gazing into the remains of the fire.


	18. Seventeen

A/N: Short chapter is short. And I just broke 100 000 words, a number I reached after only ten days of writing. Now if that doesn't say that I love this story I don't know what does. And I'm definitely getting closer to the end. No worries though, you've got quite a lot of chapters left, seeing as how I just finished chapter 47. Enjoy and review, please!

* * *

The first thing Evan became aware of was how stiff her body was. Every limb ached, and she yawned, trying to stretch to soften her joints a little. Then she felt the body next to her, and her eyes shot open. As soon as she saw Rick's sleeping features she remembered the night before and their long conversation. A smile spread across her features then, not only because of the memories that came back to her but also because he was actually sleeping. They were still half-sitting/half-lying on the brown couch, close together, with one of his arms slung around her shoulders and one of her hands resting on his knee. His chest rose and sank slowly, peacefully, and it warmed Evan to see that he was finally relaxing. She turned as best as she could and glanced towards the windows to find out whether it was day or night and sheepishly remembered that they were boarded up. The only window that hadn't been boarded up on the ground floor had been the one Rick and Shane flew through, and that was only because it was positioned perfectly in the hallway for someone to keep watch through.

Slowly and carefully, so that she wouldn't disturb the sleeping man next to her, Evan slithered out of his embrace. Once she was on her feet she reached for a tattered blanket on the back of the couch and spread it over him to keep him warm. A wave of compassion came over her and she momentarily reached out to stroke his unshaved cheek, the rough hairs tickling the palm of her hand. Then she pulled it back and left, aiming for the kitchen. Of course Lori had to be standing in there, by the sink, sipping mindlessly on a glass of water. And of course Evan was painfully aware of the fact that you had to cross the living room to reach the kitchen. Shame built within her, even though she knew neither she nor Rick had done anything wrong.

"Hi," she said carefully, unsure of whether she should strike up a conversation or wait for Lori to say something.

"Sleep well?" The question seemed innocent, but the jagged edge it had told a different story.

Evan sighed, clenching and unclenching her hands nervously. "I realize that it might have looked really strange," she started. "But truth is that his world has just gotten smaller and smaller lately and I'm a _friend_." She put extra emphasis on the last word.

For a long moment no one spoke.

"I know," Lori finally said. "There's a lot more to it. To all of it. It's hard. It's really hard."

Evan had been with them for nearly two months, and yet she and Lori had never really had a proper conversation before. At least not one like the one they were having then. One with honesty and vulnerability.

"I know," Evan mirrored. "I was just giving him a reminder that I'm a friend. And that he can talk to me. This world is much too complicated these days for me to even consider messing it up further."

She hadn't said "by getting involved with a married man", but the words were still there, in between the lines. And Evan meant it. She wasn't blind, Rick was attractive, but so were Daryl and even Shane, in his own way. Over the past few days she had definitely found a fondness deep within herself for their leader, but that was all she felt. All she wanted to feel. Anything more would just be tiring and hurt everyone involved. There was already an edge between Lori, Shane and Rick. Another person did not need to be thrown into the mix. Fortunately Lori seemed to detect the honesty in her voice.

"I'm going to go check on Carl," she said, putting her glass down on the counter. She offered Evan a genuine smile, which she easily returned.

When Evan was alone again she let out a breath, happy that it hadn't turned into a stupid catfight based on nothing but misunderstandings. That always seemed to be the protocol in situations like that, and she really didn't have the patience for it. Moments later Rick appeared, sleep still adorning his features and Evan shot him a smile.

"You look less like shit today," she remarked.

"And a very good morning to you as well," he replied, grinning. "Did I hear voices?"

Evan shook her head. "Nope, must have been your own delusional mind playing tricks on you." Evan decided that he didn't need to know about the conversation with Lori, because it hadn't turned into anything.

"I should get the others up," he said while reaching around her towards the tap, turning it on and then using the cold water to wash his face briefly. He leaned back up again and flicked water in Evan's direction with his fingers.

"Oh, nice," she scowled, but her eyes revealed that she definitely wasn't mad.

"Are you still game with the plan we came up with yesterday?" he asked, handing her a towel so she could dry her face off.

"You mean the plan _I_ came up with?" she corrected. "Yes. Glenn and Daryl were keeping watch tonight, right, so maybe we should relieve them for a while so they can rest and then we'll split up and go."

"We should probably go as soon as possible, even if they haven't gotten any sleep yet. We don't even know how far we'll have to go to find anything useful." He pulled a chair out and sat down at the table, throwing her a glance that clearly asked if she was going to join him or not.

She sat down, running a hand through her hair. "You're probably right. And one idea could be to search the farmhouses around here, rather than a town. After all, we did find a lot of useful things here."

"Yeah." Rick seemed to be considering her words, going through the different options in his mind. "We'll do that."

Soon the kitchen filled with the others and Rick told them of his plans. Only Shane visibly thought it was moronic for Evan and Daryl to continue looking for the missing girl, but the look of gratitude on Carol's face made it worth it. After that everyone got ready to do what they'd been appointed, and Evan had an amused smile on her lips when she heard Carl arguing with his parents about wanting to go with Rick and the others to look for supplies. And then he complained about not being allowed to go with Evan and Daryl to look for Sophia. Evan could see where he was coming from, but she could also understand why his parents didn't approve of the idea at all.

Daryl showed up while the argument was still going on, and motioned for Evan that it was time for them to leave. She nodded and followed him towards the door.

"Evan," Carol called and Evan spun around. "I just want you to know how grateful I am for this. That you're still looking. You too, Daryl."

Evan wanted to say something, but nothing came to mind. Instead Daryl was the one who spoke. "We'll do our best."

With that they were out the door and Evan prayed that their best would be enough.


	19. Eighteen

A/N: Words here. Enjoy.

* * *

The air was sticky and hot, the day warmer than the previous one. July had drifted into August, and Evan longed for fall. She longed for when she could walk outside without getting covered in sweat as soon as the sun rose. Following Daryl quietly she pushed some stray hair out of her face, wishing she'd thought to bring something to tie it up with. They'd already been searching for the better part of the day and Evan's body was starting to tell her that it was enough. She hadn't recuperated properly yet, and the rough night on the couch hadn't helped either. But she didn't stop. She didn't complain. She bit it down and kept going. After all, if she felt miserable being out there after having slept on a couch, how did Sophia feel? A young child, lost in the woods with walkers roaming around? Evan didn't even want to think of how terrified the girl must be.

A moaning stopped her dead in her tracks, and she reached out to seize Daryl who hadn't heard the sound. He turned towards her and she held a finger in front of her mouth. A few seconds later the moaning was repeated, and this time Daryl heard it too. He pointed towards a group of large trees, and she nodded. Slowly they crept closer, Daryl with the crossbow tightly in his grip and Evan clutching a long knife in favor of a noisy gun. Soon the moaning was joined by another similar sound, and then another, and another. Fear rose within Evan and she hesitated to keep walking. It sounded like there was more than one walker up ahead, and she wasn't sure she and Daryl could handle a large number. But he didn't stop so neither did she. Beyond the trees they had seen there was a steep slope, and at the end of it a mud-filled trench stretched out to each side. And there they were. Walkers. Maybe six of them. All stuck knee-deep in the mud. Evan could have laughed if she hadn't been so damn scared. They weren't a threat after all.

Then her heart shot up to her throat and she had to hold on to Daryl to stay upright.

"No," she said, shaking her head violently. All the blood seemed to be going haywire inside of her, shooting from her frantically beating heart to her head and then away again, making her lightheaded and dizzy.

Daryl had seen what she had spotted and he turned away, his free hand coming up to cover his eyes. At the back of the group of walkers stood a smaller figure. Clad in pink jeans and a light green top. Her blonde hair was tangled and messy and her skin rotten as she snapped her teeth together repeatedly, showing that she wanted nothing more than to eat them alive. Sophia. Evan sank to her knees, despair making itself reminded again. And then guilt joined it. Of all the things Evan had prayed for not to happen, this was the worst. If Sophia had just died that would have been terrible, but at least she wouldn't have had to be this. An it. The first sob fell from Evan's lips before she even realized she was crying.

"We have to do something," Daryl said, but his voice was trembling. He was just as shaken as Evan was.

Still weeping Evan got back up on her feet, and she reached for the gun safely tucked away in her belt. The weapon felt impossibly heavy in her hand as she aimed. All the horrors she had seen in the past four months flashed before her eyes as she licked her lips and removed the safety. The words "I'm so sorry" fell from her lips when she pulled the trigger.

The bullet penetrated Sophia's skull, creating a small hole in the front while the back of her head nearly exploded. Pieces of her brain spilled down on the ground as she sank into a pile of decaying flesh. There was a ringing in Evan's ears, and she wasn't sure if it was due to the gunshot or because her mind was going crazy. The other walkers were trying even harder to get to them, the echo of the weapon being fired having agitated them further. Daryl placed a hand on Evan's shoulder, and leaned beyond her to take the gun from her grip. She hadn't even realized that it was still sharply aimed to the spot where Sophia had previously stood. Except that hadn't been Sophia. She hadn't been Sophia for a long time.

"We have to get back." Daryl gave her shoulder a squeeze, but Evan was unable to move.

A million questions zoomed in and out of her mind so fast she couldn't focus on anyone of them. A million thoughts of how fucking unfair it was replaced the questions. She realized that she would give anything to have the little girl back.

"C'mon," Daryl repeated. He gave her a soft tug and she finally snapped out of it enough to follow him. She wanted to bury Sophia, but realized that then they'd have to kill the rest of the walkers and with the noise from the gun it was dangerous for them to stay behind any longer. As far as they knew more walkers were aiming for their location and they couldn't risk it.

"We promised Carol we would find her," Evan whispered.

"We did find her."

Another sob fell from Evan's lips, and she stopped. "I can't," she said. "I can't do this. I can't go back there. This is all my fault. I should have found her earlier. Should have kept her safe."

Daryl lowered his weapon and placed his free hand on her cheek. It was the first sign of affection he had really shown anyone, and realizing that Evan calmed herself as best she could. "This isn't your fault."

He didn't say anything else, but he did place his arm around her shoulders as he led her on back towards the house. He didn't have to say anything else. When Daryl said something Evan knew he meant it. He never said anything just to make people happy, or just to please them. He didn't fake an opinion for anyone else's benefit. If Daryl said something it was because he really felt it. And that was the only reason why Evan was able to continue walking, otherwise she knew her knees would have given up and she'd have crumbled to the ground.

When the house came into view and they'd climbed the wooden fence, Daryl turned towards her again. "Do you want to tell her, or should I?"

"I don't know," she admitted. She wanted to dish the responsibility of it over to Daryl, but she felt like it had to be her. Had to. "I'll do it."

"If you're sure."

Evan wasn't sure. She wasn't sure of anything, but deep inside of her she felt that it was right and she decided to trust that feeling. As soon as they came around the house they spotted the cars, realizing that everyone must be back already. It made everything harder, because now there would be an audience witnessing the worst moment of Carol's life.

"You're back!" Dale was the first to spot them when they walked through the back door and into the kitchen. But his face fell at the expression on Evan's face as well as her tear streaked cheeks.

All eyes were on them, and everyone knew. As soon as they saw the pain and guilt on Evan's face they knew. And Carol broke. Raucous screams escaped her small form as her friends tried to comfort her but she pushed them all off. Instead she made her way to Evan and grabbed her arms harshly.

"How?" she demanded, sobs still ripping through her.

"She had turned," Evan whispered and she could see how everything inside of the woman in front of her just snapped. "I had to."

Nothing else needed to be said. Carol left, storming towards her bedroom, and to Evan's surprise Daryl was the one who followed her. A heavy silence spread across the room, and no one knew exactly how to break it. Carol's violent crying could be heard and it tore through Evan like a knife through flesh. Or like a bullet through Sophia's undead head. The analogy caused her to tear up again. The next person to leave the room was Carl, tears streaming down his face as well as he dashed towards the stairs, with his mother following closely behind. After that Evan felt a hand on her shoulder and she looked up into Dale's kind features. But she couldn't face him. She couldn't face any of them. They hadn't been there. They hadn't made a promise to Carol to find Sophia and bring her back alive. They hadn't been running after her, and fallen on their ass instead of catching up to her. They hadn't found her as a walker and shot her to make sure she died again and remained dead.

"I need to be alone," she mumbled and pushed past them, ignoring the sympathetic looks they shot her. As soon as she was in her room she closed the door and fell down onto the bed, her body contorting with an overpowering sense of despair.

* * *

When there was a knock on her door she didn't answer. She was on her side, her back towards it. Her tears had subsided, leaving only dried salt mixed with dirt on her cheeks, but the grief was still there. Although it had slowly shifted into a deafening numbness instead. Another knock. Evan ignored that too. Then the door opened.

"Evan." Of course it had to be Rick. Who else?

She said nothing, but squeezed her eyes shut, hoping that he'd go away if she didn't pay him any attention. That hope was in vain too, as she heard the door shut but also a shuffling of feet that told her he hadn't been on the other side as it closed.

"I know you're awake." The mattress dipped down when he sat on the edge of the bed. One of his hands gently touched her left shoulder. "What you did can't have been easy. I mean, I know it wasn't easy. I've been there too." He paused, waiting for her to react. When she didn't he kept talking. "I know no one told you this, but that night when Sophia ran and we lost Andrea… I was the one who killed Andrea. She'd been bitten, and, I panicked. She- she was still herself. But I knew she wouldn't be for much longer. And then another walker got her, and bit her neck, and she was in so much pain. I aimed and I fired."

Silence engulfed them. Wrapped them in a tight bubble. Evan knew it couldn't be easy for him to admit what had happened. She turned towards him, a few new tears escaping her eyes.

"I'm sorry you had to do that," she whispered. Her fingers found his and held onto them tightly.

"And I'm sorry you had to be the one to find Sophia," he whispered back. Slowly a sense of calm had settled in their bubble, and it was as if they both knew that quick movements or loud noises would burst it, letting panic inside of it again.

"How's Carol?" Evan asked, scooting away from the edge Rick sat on until her back hit the wall.

"Alive," he said truthfully. He felt her tug on his hand and the subtle invitation was all he needed. He lay down next to her, on his side, fingers still wrapped around hers.

"Is it enough to be alive?" She pulled him closer until her breath was mixing with his and their foreheads were touching.

"It has to be." He adjusted his head on the pillow and then stilled. "Right now it has to be."

Evan considered his words. "I guess you're right."

Her eye fluttered closed then, and she realized she would probably break completely if she didn't get to sleep. She took a deep breath and then let it out.

"Please stay with me," she pleaded silently, opening her eyes again. "I have to rest, but I can't be alone right now. Please stay."

"Okay."

She didn't need anything else, and when she closed her eyes she relaxed, the warmth from his body radiating towards her, soothing her pain. She found herself wishing that they could stay in that bubble forever, where no one and nothing could harm them.


	20. Nineteen

A/N: Long chapter is long. Review? ;)

* * *

He was still there when she woke up, and she thanked him silently for it. His eyes were closed and his breathing even. Each time he let air out it graced her face and somehow that offered her comfort too. She didn't know for how long she'd been out but she felt better. Still heavy with grief because of the recent events, but somewhere deep inside of her a tiny spark of hope had been lit. In spite of the horrible reality of the day before she thought that maybe someday, somehow, she could breathe easily again. It was all she wanted. Peace. She wished for it so much her heart ached.

Suddenly Rick sighed deeply, and seconds later he opened his eyes, squinting slightly. Evan offered him a smile and then reached up to stroke his cheek.

"Hi," she mumbled.

"Hi," he replied just as softly. The bubble was still intact, keeping them safe. Evan knew that soon it'd break and they'd have to return to reality. But not yet.

"Thank you for staying."

His hand moved to rest on top of hers, and his rough skin gently brushed across hers, causing electricity to soar from the spot all the way up to her brain. And then down to her heart.

"Don't mention it."

It was strange how quickly she'd come to see Rick in a completely different light than before. She still saw him as nothing more than a friend, but he was a different type of friend. Someone whom she could count on to keep her safe and someone who made her feel content whenever he was close to her. She wanted to think that he reminded her of Tom but the truth was that he didn't at all. Tom had been strong and he had taken care of her, that was true. But there was a vulnerability in Rick that Tom never had. Tom had been all man, all the time. He didn't cry. He didn't like watching romantic movies with her. He never showed any signs of weakness and he never felt like he was really on her level. Not in a bad way, but just… Tom had been different. With Rick it felt like they had found a common ground to stand on, where their company gave them both something. They both gained from the closeness. She took care of him and comforted him just as much as he did that for her. It was new to her, and frightening, but it felt so right at the same time. Like they fit. Somehow.

"I guess we can't lie here forever," she said after a long pause. The disappointment she felt over that reality was visible in his eyes as well.

"I guess that's not plausible."

In spite of the agreement that they'd have to move sooner or later neither of them did anything at all. They remained on the bed, eyes connected and breathing synchronized. Evan found herself wondering if things had been different if she'd met him while the world still made sense. Would they still have formed this bond? Would she still feel a strong fondness towards him? Or would she have thrown him one look and then walked away? Evan knew the answer to that. She wouldn't have looked at him twice. Not because she had been a horrible person, but because her needs had been different. She had been content in her life, with her fiancé, and everything they shared. She hadn't had room for someone like Rick. Someone she could lie with in complete silence and yet with a feeling like they'd said a million words to each other being completely overwhelming. Evan didn't need to hear his voice to know what he was thinking and she didn't need to speak in order for him to be able to decipher her. Every single emotion was right there in their eyes, and they could read them without much of an effort. That was new for Evan too.

"Thank you," he said suddenly, breaking the silence.

"For what?" Her eyebrows furrowed together.

"For listening. For hearing. For being here. For not judging me. For giving me the comfort I need." It wasn't spoken, but she knew he was also thanking her for giving her what Lori should, but wasn't.

"Always," she assured him. "You're giving me the same right back, and I guess I'm grateful for that too."

Someone knocked on the door, and then Dale's voice came through it, announcing that they were going to have dinner and asking if Evan and Rick were going to be joining them. After one glance at each other they both called that they'd be right there and they heard Dale's footsteps walk away.

"Now we have to move," Evan moaned. She hadn't been that comfortable in a long time. Or that calm, either.

"I'm very hungry though," he admitted. "And I haven't told you how it went today when we looked for supplies."

"That's true. So how did it go?" In spite of having acknowledged the fact that they needed to get up neither of them attempted to this time either.

"Found a handful of walkers, but also enough supplies to keep us going for a little while longer." He sighed heavily. "We found a rifle and some bullets, too, but Daryl offered to head into the nearest town to try and find more of that. At least we have food though."

"Food is good." Seconds later her stomach agreed with a loud grumbling, and they couldn't help but burst into laughter. "Okay, I will get up now. I really will."

"Yeah, me too."

Neither of them moved.

"This is getting ridiculous," Evan frowned. Then she gave Rick a nudge, and reluctantly he stood up, before taking her hand and helping her into a standing position. "This is better."

"I'm not sure I agree." He moved towards the door, with Evan following closely behind him. Before he reached it he turned around again. "Really. Thank you."

She smiled. "No, thank _you_."

The minute they joined the others in the kitchen the spell had been broken. Evan's heartbeat slowed and reality came creeping back. For a while everything had felt so right, but now nothing was right. Carol was missing from the table, Evan noted, and Daryl was too. The meal in front of them was a scarce one, and it was obvious that Dale and Glenn had done their best to throw something together without the help of Carol, but they all appreciated it nonetheless. At first everyone ate in silence, but slowly a conversation struck up, one that everyone joined in to. Everyone except for Shane. His face was dark, and it frightened Evan. She knew now what kind of things he was capable of, and the look on his face said that he was ready to do something else. Crossing another line. She didn't want to be around when that happened. But unfortunately she wasn't that lucky.

"This is _your_ fault!" Shane suddenly snapped, slamming his fist down on the table. Everyone jumped, but no one needed much of a brain to know who he was talking to.

"Shane, not now," Dale tried carefully, but he was ignored.

"If you hadn't continued to make reckless decisions like letting strangers join us, Carol would still have her daughter. _You_ did this!" Everyone waited for Rick to respond, but when he didn't Shane continued on his angry tirade. "So far you've gotten four of our friends killed, only in the last two months, who is going to be next? Who next is going to have to pay for your stupidity?"

"Hey," Evan interjected. "Calm the fuck down!"

Shane let out a hollow laugh. "Don't even get me started on you."

As the air got more and more hostile Lori grabbed Carl's hand and pulled her son out of his chair and towards the living room, no doubt to safely tuck him upstairs when the fight broke out. They'd already witnessed once how out of hand it could get.

"Please, Shane, do get started on me." Evan's voice was dangerously sharp. She was challenging him now. Rick opened his mouth but Evan held her hand up. She ignored the discomfort on Dale and Glenn's faces. She was dying to hear what Shane had to say about her.

"Where the hell were you when Sophia ran out of this house? How the hell could you not catch up with her?" Evan clenched her jaw shut, in order to stop herself from spilling harsh words she couldn't take back.

"That's enough!" Rick got up so quickly his chair fell backwards. "Nothing you're saying right now is important!"

"Then what the hell is important?" Shane rose as well. "If our lives aren't important right now, then when will they be important?"

"That's now what I meant and you know it."

Evan was torn. On one hand she wanted to drag Dale and Glenn with her out of the room, to give the two men the opportunity to let it all out once and for all, but on the other hand she wanted to put her foot so far up Shane's ass he'd have to wear his intestines as a hat. She got to her feet at the same time that Dale and Glenn did.

"Shane, maybe you should calm down." Now Glenn was getting involved and it only seemed to anger Shane even more.

"When are you going to realize that he's the one slowly killing us?" he shouted, stumbling over his own words when spitting them out.

Rick's mind seemed to unravel at every single word falling from Shane's lips, and it pained Evan to see it. Not even twenty minutes ago he'd had a sense of calm about him and now it seemed his mind was slowly crumbling to pieces. He didn't even defend himself again, but stood silently, his hands balled into fists at his sides. It was Glenn and Dale who tried to talk some sense into Shane, and Evan just stood there, unable to do anything. She was biting the inside of her lip so sharply she could taste blood, but she couldn't make herself say anything. So many words roared through her mind and begged to be spilled, but she was afraid that she might do more harm than good. Finally, after another cascade of insults Shane picked up a chair and threw it across the room before storming out. Rick sank back into an empty chair, but then he seemed to freeze. His shoulders slumped and his head fell forward.

"Dale, Glenn, why don't you go see if Daryl needs any help keeping watch. Or if maybe Shane's gone and got hit by a parked car," she added, trying her best to lighten the situation. It didn't work, but her two friends appreciated the effort.

As soon as they were alone Evan picked up the two chairs that had been disrupted, partly to give Rick a moment to calm down but also to give herself some time to figure out what to say. She wasn't even sure there was much to say. In the end she took a seat next to him though, and put a hand on his arm. It seemed like they found themselves in that position more often than not. She opened her mouth to speak when Shane burst into the room again, this time wielding a gun.

"Oh my god, what the hell are you doing?" Evan exclaimed completely horrified, as Rick went to stand but Shane shook his head.

"Stay where you are, and you," he looked at Evan, "shut the fuck up!"

Evan's mouth fell shut, her heart beating fast and the hand resting on Rick's arm gripping him so tightly she was sure it must hurt him.

"Think about what you're doing," Rick said, doing his best to reason with his former friend who had clearly lost everything of who he once was. "This is absolutely insane!"

"No, what's insane was that I didn't take you out months ago. No, I said shut up," he shot the last part towards Evan when she took a breath to speak. Wisely she remained silent. She tried to mentally will Dale and Glenn to come back. Or Carol. Or Lori. Anyone. They were unarmed, and even though Shane was the one posing a threat she wasn't sure that Rick would ever have it in him to kill his best friend if he was give the opportunity.

"You don't want to do this." Rick's voice was soft, smooth, but Evan knew the look in his eyes. A look of intense panic. She felt the same way.

"I really do." Evan didn't doubt Shane's words for a moment.

"Then let her leave. She doesn't deserve to see this."

"You do realize that if you shoot him you're going to have to shoot me too, right? Otherwise I promise you that the second you put that gun down I will bash your fucking head in!" She meant every word, and that alarmed her. She'd never been a violent person, but she was so filled with rage she couldn't hold it back anymore.

"I don't mind taking care of the both of you at all."

Suddenly his expression changed, and it was as if something in him snapped back into place. Like he'd temporarily had a switch within him set to "insane" but then it was flicked back to "normal". He stared at the gun in his hand, and his mouth moved without a single sound coming out. Then he lowered it, and opened his mouth again.

"I'm sorry," he stuttered. "I don't know what happened. I didn't mean that." If the look of shock on his face hadn't seemed so genuine Evan would have called bullshit, but she couldn't help but believe him.

He dropped the gun on the floor and stumbled backwards.

"I'm sorry," he repeated, and then he left them alone just as suddenly as he had appeared, leaving behind him fear and bewilderment.

Evan felt numb from the inside and out. Suddenly Rick's hand wrapped around hers – the one that was gripping his arm so tightly her knuckles had turned white.

"It's okay," he mumbled. "You can let go."

Evan drew her hand back as if she'd been burned, and then stared at it for a long moment. Then her gaze shifted to the weapon on the floor, which had moments earlier been aimed directly at the two of them where they sat. Evan had acted tough, spitting words of hate right at Shane's face, but she'd been terrified. More terrified than when she'd gotten lost in the woods while searching for Sophia. More terrified than when her fiancé had lounged at her with the intention of biting into her soft flesh repeatedly. She barely noticed when Rick took her hand again.

"We have to do something," Evan said finally, pulling away again. She got up and moved to the sink, her mind racing so fast she couldn't stay still. She clenched her hands, and then unclenched them. She tugged at the hem of her shirt, and then ran her hands through her hair. She started pacing back and forth, her hands never staying still for even a second. Clench. Unclench.

"I know," Rick agreed.

Before they could utter another word Lori walked in. "Has everything calmed down?"

The question was innocent; she couldn't possibly have known what had gone down. But Evan let out a hollow laugh nonetheless. "Yes, everything has calmed the fuck down, except we just stared down the barrel of a loaded gun!"

Lori recoiled, shifting her gaze to her husband. Evan shuddered at the thought. Husband. Wife. They were neither. Not anymore.

"Shane is losing it, Lori." Rick looked at her, while Evan started pacing again. "We need to do something about him."

The brunette only nodded, looking as if she couldn't believe it, but then her eyes fell on the weapon on the floor. She pressed a hand over her mouth, eyes wide.

"What are you going to do?"

Evan's head snapped in her direction. Was that _concern_?

"Ask him to leave. Or demand that he leaves." Rick rubbed his face with two shivering hands. Evan realized that he acted a lot calmer than he really was. If he wasn't looked to as their leader she didn't think it was unreasonable to think that he would have been throwing things around and roaring at the top of his voice. Instead his voice was low and nearly smooth.

"But that's killing him," Lori protested and now Evan couldn't hold her tongue.

"Like he was just ready to kill the both of us? I don't care about whatever has or hasn't happened between the both of you, but I'm not going to die over it!" She pointed a finger harshly at Lori, her teeth gritted.

Lori opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Shame was on her face. Anger too. Evan didn't like having crossed that line, accusing Lori of being the reason behind Shane's erratic behavior. It wasn't fair for that blame to be put on the shivering woman, but Evan couldn't help it. Shane was dangerous and out of control, there was nothing more to it.

"Killing him doesn't make us any better," Lori tried to reason, but her words fell on deaf ears.

"Evan is right, he can't stay. Not when he's like this. The Shane who was my best friend is gone. I don't know this man at all, but I don't want him here. He's dangerous. He could hurt anyone of us." His eyes flickered momentarily towards Evan.

"Why do you want him to stay so bad?" Evan shot in before Lori could respond to Rick's statement. Lori shook her head but Evan wouldn't have it. "He nearly killed us. He held a gun to our faces. If you want him to stay, I think I fucking deserve to know why!"

The deafening silence told the truth as much as a confession would have. Evan glanced towards Rick, whose face had gone blank. Lori shifted from one foot to the other, her arms crossed over her chest. The beaten down man at the table moved first, and with no emotions at all on his face he slid the golden wedding band off his finger and placed it slowly on the table in front of him. His action also told the truth more than any words could. His action was screaming the truth.

"So that's it?" Lori whispered, and suddenly Evan felt like an invader, but she also couldn't move. She was frozen in place, her joints having locked down. Her eyes darted from the wife to the husband.

"That's it," Rick replied in a monotone voice.

Lori didn't argue, probably because she too realized that they had reached a point in their relationship where it was too broken to be fixed. With a sad look and a lonely tear rolling down her cheek she left the room again. Evan looked after her, wracking her brain intently to find something to say.

Finally, Evan said the only thing she could think of. "Rick, if you want me to stay, I will. If you want me to leave I'll do that too."

He didn't reply at first, and she was unsure of whether he had even heard her.

"I think I'd like to be alone," he finally said, and Evan nodded.

"I'll be in my room. I want you to know that I'm here, if you need me. If you want to talk or just… be." She moved away from the counter, and hesitated when she was next to him for a moment, but then brushed her hand gently across his cheek once. And then she left him alone.


	21. Twenty

A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews, I really appreciate it!

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Late that evening, when everyone gathered to try and get something to eat before heading to bed, Shane was still missing. Dale had been sent to keep watch, but only after he furiously ranted for nearly 15 minutes about the incident in the kitchen. Carol joined them for the late night meal that they decided to eat in the living room in front of the fire instead of in the kitchen. Being in there felt uncomfortable now. The mood was low, with Rick sitting quietly on the floor next to the couch and Lori hovering near the doorway to the kitchen, on the opposite side of the room to him. Glenn, Daryl and Carol occupied the couch and Evan sat on the armrest next to Daryl, her legs dangling slowly in the air as she chewed on the canned pears she'd been handed. Carl had come down earlier to say goodnight, and the expression on his face had said that he too knew about the incident as well as the clean break between his parents. He had bent down to whisper something in Rick's ear, although Evan couldn't hear what.

Every now and again a mouth would open, only to close a few seconds later. The only one who didn't even seem to have anything to say was Daryl. Sometimes Evan was so fascinated with the way his mind seemed to work, and with the kind of person he had grown into just since Evan had gotten to know him. He was an enigma if ever there was one, and it intrigued her. At least it usually did. But not that night. The only thing on her mind was Rick, and the blank expression on his face. She would have preferred it more if he'd looked sad. Or angry. Or anything. Anything but a clean slate, seemingly completely void of emotions. Finally, without a single word having been uttered, everyone headed off to bed. Lori left first, closely followed by Carol. Glenn gave up another five minutes later and the Daryl announced that he was going to crash, and would they please get the hell out of his bedroom.

Evan and Rick both headed for the kitchen, where she hesitated outside her door. He stood by the sink, looking as if he couldn't even see it, or register where he was. It pained her but she wasn't sure if it'd be better to leave him be or push him into talking about it. In the end she decided that she couldn't possibly make it worse.

"Rick," she said. Then she repeated it when he didn't react. The second time he turned his face towards her. "Come on," she insisted and held her hand out. For a moment he stared blankly at the outstretched hand as if he didn't understand what it was, but then he walked towards her and took it.

She didn't say anything else as she pulled him with her into her bedroom and closed the door behind them. Not a word was spoken when she tugged her jeans off and helped him remove his. Silence still lingered when she lay down and made room for him to join her. They assumed the same position they'd been in earlier, on their sides, facing each other and with their foreheads firmly pressed against the other. Evan kept her eyes open until long after Rick had closed his. And it wasn't until after his breathing evened out that she was able to relax, and then she fell asleep too.

* * *

His warmth was gone when she woke up again, and she found herself reaching out and placing her hand on the dip in the mattress. Evan knew that everything was still on edge, because they still had to handle Shane, but she was glad that they had at least gotten one relaxed night. She was glad that both her and Rick had been allowed to once more, even if it was just for a few hours, crawl into their little cocoon of peace. Moaning she pushed her legs off the edge of the bed and sat up, rubbing her face with two hands. She stopped moving when she heard voices in the kitchen, and after recognizing one of them as Shane's she instantly stood. Without wasting any time she pulled her jeans back on over her hips, and then approached the door slowly. With her breath caught in her throat and her hand trembling she turned the cold knob and pulled it open. The metal felt impossibly strange in her hand. Shane was standing next to the kitchen table, where Lori, Dale and Rick were sitting.

"Evan," Shane piped up when she came into view. "I'm sorry."

Evan didn't respond, instead she wrapped her arms around herself and took a few steps into the room before stopping. She had seen the shift in his eyes, but that didn't mean she trusted him. He had come close to crossing the line before; she didn't want to be caught off guard if that would happen again.

"I'm going to leave," Shane said, his eyes still on Evan and no one else. From the way everyone else looked Evan realized he'd already told them, and they'd already accepted it. She did too. She nodded slowly.

"But that's crazy! You'll die out there." Lori was rubbing her hands together, nervously.

Shane let out a huff of air and Evan could see the internal struggle on his face. "Maybe, but I can't stay here. Not after what I did yesterday."

Briefly, so briefly that Evan thought she might have imagined it, there was a shade of something sinister on Shane's face. Her guard instantly shot back up and her entire body tensed. Was this another game? Was he trying to manipulate them?

"You didn't do anything," Lori began, but now Dale was the one who wanted the floor.

"The hell he didn't! He had a gun on Rick and Evan!" The expression on his face was unmistakable; he wanted Shane gone. Now. Evan didn't disagree with that at all.

The only one silent was Rick, and in spite of having tried her best to comfort him, Evan could see how beaten down he still was. She realized it must tear him apart, to sit there and trying to decide whether to send his former best friend away to die, or allow him to stay and risk his own life and those of others. Lori and Dale continued to argue, and Evan kept her eyes steadily on Shane as she moved forward until she was standing behind Rick. She put a hand on his shoulder, just to let him know without words that she would support him no matter what he decided. He was trembling under her hand.

"Rick, say something," Lori finally demanded. "Should he stay or go?"

"Lori calm down," Shane interjected, "I'll leave."

"Of course you will," Dale agreed sharply.

"Rick." Lori ignored the other two men. Her gaze tried to find Rick's, but he was still looking down at the table. Evan wondered if he'd even heard her.

That's when she got it. When it hit her. The look on his face, the look in his eyes. Evan pulled her hand back as if he'd burned her, and held it to her chest. Her heart rate had picked up, hammering at her ribs from the inside. She knew what it meant. Rick had given up. He'd accepted defeat. He'd accepted that he was a bad leader. That he was the reason people kept dying. That he wouldn't be able to save them all. That he had ruined his and Lori's marriage. Everything Shane had been saying had finally crept under his skin and nested there, clawing and biting until he was unable to fight it anymore. Evan felt sick and helpless. She didn't have a way of fixing anything. In spite of her best efforts of at least offering her company and some human contact everything was useless. She couldn't fix anything.

"For God's sake, Rick!" Her patience spent Lori stood up, moving over to stand next to Shane. "If you're better than him then don't sentence him to death!"

This time Evan couldn't miss the smug look on Shane's face. Rage sparked within her.

"Him staying here is a danger to all of us!" Dale hadn't given up on fighting. "And he killed James! I know he did."

Another argument broke out and Evan stumbled backwards until she hit the wall. The all too familiar ringing had invaded her mind again and everyone's words started to blur. If Rick truly had given up then it would be over for everyone. Evan wished that Carl would come and have an opinion. That Carol and Glenn and Daryl would all come and say something. Something that would settle the situation as well as cause Rick to snap out of the state he was in. But no one came. It didn't take a genius to realize that Carl had been given strict orders to stay somewhere – maybe with Glenn or Daryl – and that Carol was still in her room mourning her daughter. Evan knew that to Carol it probably didn't matter much either, what happened next. And someone was on watch. That accounted for everyone. No one else would come and end the argument. Evan's eyes fixated on the back of Rick's head.

Everyone jumped when Rick's hand finally made contact with the table, a loud bang shot through all of them.

"You will leave." He stood up, straightening his back, and hope sparked within Evan. His voice was even. Solid. Sharp.

For a few seconds silence embraced them, but then Shane broke it.

"Okay. I'll go right now." Without throwing them a single glance he left, but Evan saw the clenched fists at this sides. She knew that this wasn't over, although she had no idea what would happen next.

"You can't send him away." Lori's voice was filled with unshed tears.

"Yes he can, he just saved our lives!"

The bickering continued, but Evan didn't want to hear anymore. Rick had made his call, and that was the end of it to her. No matter what anyone else said she would trust him, because so far he hadn't let her down. He had kept her safe and he had given her a group to belong to. When he left the kitchen Evan followed him, and he didn't stop until he was standing on the porch in the bright daylight, his hands on the white railing that ran along the entire front veranda. Evan fell into position next to him, but said nothing. Birds were chirping somewhere not too far away and the distinct smell of grass and wildflowers was hanging in the air.

The door opened behind them and they turned around, to see Shane with a bag in his hand and a grim look on his face. "I took two bottles of water and some cans of food. And a gun."

He stopped in front of Rick.

"That's fine," Rick said. His voice was still filled with authority, but Evan knew. Evan saw. It was all a façade.

"Can I take one of the cars?" Shane asked, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"Yeah. Take the red truck."

Shane didn't reply, he just nodded. As he walked down the steps to the grass Lori and Dale joined them. Carl snuck out too and it broke Evan's heart to see tears glittering on his cheeks. The poor kid clearly hadn't at all been given the full story. He clung to his mother's hand with all his might. With no hesitation in his steps Shane approached the truck he'd been given and opened the door. He didn't look back as he climbed in or turned the ignition on. He didn't offer them a single glance as he drove down towards the gate, and there was barely a pause before the gate had been opened by whoever was keeping watch and Shane could drive out, leaving the farm behind completely. They all stood there, peering after the vehicle as it grew smaller and smaller, without saying a word. The wind made the trees dance and Evan's hair moved slightly, and she pushed a stray piece of brown locks from her face.

Part of her felt as if it was finally over. As if the danger from within had disappeared when Shane did. But there was still a gnawing inside her mind and it scared her. Something told her it wasn't over yet and that things would go to hell completely before it was. For the time being though, she pushed those thoughts away and reached for Rick's hand to give it a reassuring squeeze. Whatever happened next Evan hoped they could handle it.


	22. Twenty-one

A/N I got an awesome review from an anon and it made my night. That's why I decided to give you another chapter. Enjoy!

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Telling the rest of the group wasn't as hard as Evan had feared it would be. Carol had numbly nodded, Daryl hadn't looked like he cared either way and Glenn had let out a breath of relief. Lori was the only one who made it absolutely clear that she was furious about what had happened, but even Carl seemed to understand. There was a sense of discomfort hovering over them for the following four days, however, because there was a darkness in all of their minds. If Shane could go mad and threaten them, wasn't it possible for the others to crumble as well? Those thoughts were soon pushed to the back of everyone's minds however, and after lunch a few days after Shane's departure Evan went looking for Carl around the house. While the others rested, kept watch or tried to sort out something to eat she finally found him sitting on the grass with his father's hat on his head and a tattered book in his hands. When she got close she smiled at him.

"Hey, can I sit down?" she asked, motioning towards the spot next to him with her hand. He nodded and she joined him on the ground, sitting with her legs crossed and her arms resting in her lap. "What are you reading?"

He showed her the book; it was a Stephen King novel that he must have found somewhere in the house. She almost laughed at the idea of reading a horror book when already surrounded by all of that madness, but she bit her tongue.

"Is it any good?" The sun kissed her face pleasantly and she enjoyed the warmth, knowing that too soon winter would be upon them.

"Not really." There was a pause. "I've always heard people talk about how good he was at writing about scary stuff, but this isn't accurate at all."

Now Evan had to snort. "I guess that's true. Everything I've ever seen or read in the horror genre seems like kid's stuff compared to our reality."

It was his turn to smile. "That's exactly how I feel."

For a moment they sat together in silence, with only the rustling leaves on the trees moving in the wind as the sole source of sound.

"Shane really lost it, didn't he?" he asked then, his dark eyes looking straight into hers. Lying never even crossed Evan's mind.

"He did." She took a deep breath and straightened her back a little. "I know he used to be a really good person. He looked after you. And your mother. And he loved your father. But something just went wrong along the way."

Carl seemed to think about what she'd said for a moment. "Do you think he still loves us?"

"I think that somewhere deep inside the old Shane is still present, and that Shane definitely still loves you. And your mother. And your father." She reached out to grasp his smaller hand in hers and he let her.

"Mom and dad aren't together anymore." It wasn't a question. Evan didn't know how he knew, but she wasn't about to lie about that either.

"No," she concluded. "What are you thinking about that?"

"I don't know." He bit his lower lip and squeezed her hand a little. "I just want them to be happy. They weren't happy together. They were always arguing."

Evan said nothing. It seemed like Carl had a lot of feelings but no one to really vent them to. If she could be that person, and if it'd make him feel better, she would listen.

"I've heard them say things. About Shane. And each other. They've both changed too." There was worry in his voice, and Evan could understand why. That same worry was in all of them.

"Listen," she said, pulling their hands to her chest and leaning closer to him. "Everyone has changed out here, because we've all had to. Shane changed into something much worse, but that's not the case with your parents. They're just different, but not better or worse."

Her words seemed to calm him down and his eyes went to the discarded horror book in the grass. "I want them to be happy."

Sensing that their conversation was over, Evan scooted closer after tugging his hat off and wrapped her arm around the boy, offering the only thing she could offer; her friendship. It pained her to know that he'd had to grow up so fast, that although he was only eleven he had to act, think and reason like an adult almost every single day, and that wasn't fair. She rested her chin against the top of his head and sighed, and a few seconds later he too let out a long breath.

"You know what," she said finally, pulling back. "What you just told me, about wanting your parents to be happy; you should go tell them that."

His eyes looked at her quizzically. "I should?"

"Yes. In case you haven't noticed, Carl, your dad isn't doing too great right now. He just lost his best friend and wife all at the same time." She smiled sadly. "I think it'd do him a world of good to know that he hasn't lost you. And your mother isn't having the time of her life either."

"You're right." He got to his feet then, pulling his beloved hat back on, and smiled down at her. "Thank you, Evan."

"Don't mention it, sheriff," she said, tipping an imaginary hat to him.

He grinned. "Ma'am," he replied, tipping his own hat.

She watched him leave with her heart a little lighter, and then got to her feet as well. The book was still in the grass and she bent down to pick it up. She decided to walk down to the gate where Daryl was keeping watch. He didn't turn around as she approached him, but she knew that he had sensed her presence. The best part about Daryl was that it was so easy to just co-exist with him. In silence. No words necessary. He did shoot her a glance after ten minutes or so though and looked her up and down.

"You alright?" he asked.

"As good as one can be, I think." She rubbed the back of her neck. "And you?"

"Ain't complaining."

"How's Carol?"

"How would you be?"

"Fair enough." She shifted from one foot to another as a few walkers appeared down the road. Silence swept over them as he swiftly took them out with his crossbow. "No, let me," she said when he made a move to climb the gate to retrieve the arrows. "Just cover me and don't let anything kill me."

He grinned and nodded. Evan handed the book to him, returning the grin. She moved forward, pushing herself off the ground and climbing the gate as carefully as she could. It wasn't the best built gate in the world, although it was relatively sturdy. Her jeans got caught on a stray nail but she got herself loose before it turned into something dramatic. Evan didn't hesitate as she jogged out into the field, heading towards the spot where Daryl had killed the walkers. She knew that he had her back and she trusted him completely. Besides, the farm was placed in the middle of a large field, and slightly on top of a hill, and it meant that in the front where she was no one could manage to sneak up on her without her seeing them while they were still too far away to be any immediate danger. At the back of the property was a field too, but it was smaller and turned into the woods soon enough. On that side she wouldn't have felt so at ease to jump the fence and dash out into the open completely unarmed.

The walkers had once upon a time been a man and a woman, but now it was impossible to tell whether they'd been good looking or not at some point in their lives. Daryl's arrows pierced both of their heads and she had to smile inwardly. He really was a good shot with that thing. She leaned down, grabbing the first arrow, and gently tugging it loose from the man's skull. The stench reached her nostrils then and she scrunched her face together. No matter how many times it had hit her before she never got used to it. After the first arrow was free she retrieved the other, but didn't bother wiping them off. They were covered in blood, dirt and pieces of brain. Evan had seen a lot and she'd learned to stomach a lot, but she wasn't about to voluntarily cover herself in walker gush. With the arrows in her hand she dashed back towards the fence and smiled when she saw that Dale had joined them.

"Hey," she called once she was close enough. She reached through the gate to hand the arrows to Daryl, knowing that if she tried to climb with them she'd definitely end up taking an eye out. Not necessarily one of her own.

"Hi," Dale replied, his face bright too.

But then it shifted, and Daryl raised his crossbow. Evan turned swiftly, her back pressed up against the gate. She was prepared to see a herd of walkers, but she wasn't prepared to see a two-seated black truck. Her heart crashed against her ribs, beating on them violently.

"Come on," Daryl hissed and she didn't waste any time. While the engine roared closer she climbed the gate as fast as she could, managing to cut her left hand on one of the protruding nails.

Hissing and cursing under her breath she got to the safe side of the gate just as Rick and Glenn came running from the house, weapons drawn. She clutched the shallow cut on her hand as soon as she was secure on the ground again and turned her attention back towards the approaching vehicle. In the cab of the truck they could make out two people once they came close enough, and no guns in sight, but that didn't mean they didn't have any.

It came to a roaring halt 15 feet from the gate, and Evan held her breath secure in her lungs, unable to force herself to release it. The doors fell open, and hands stuck out into the air.

"Don't shoot," a woman who looked to be in her fifties called. "I'm not armed, don't shoot!"

"Get out of the car," Daryl called, without acknowledging her words. Everyone around her had their weapons drawn, steadily aimed towards the strangers.

When they both stepped out of the car Evan could see that the passenger was a man, maybe a bit older than the woman. White hair adorned his head and a matching beard stretched across his chin. His clothes were tattered and torn, and so was hers. She was a brunette, with eyes wide with fear.

"My name is Lawrence," the man called, his hands still raised towards the sky just as hers. "Lawrence Parker. And this is my wife Juliet. We don't mean any harm."

"You shouldn't stay here," Rick said, frozen in his spot.

"We have nowhere to go. We lost our group, we're all alone. We just have a little bit of food and a gun with no bullets. Please let us stay." His voice sounded honest and raw, desperation reeking off of every word.

The men around her exchanged looks. It was clear that they didn't know what to do. On one hand it would be helpful to have more people in the group, now that they'd lost so many of their friends. On the other hand it wasn't sure that they could be trusted, and even if they could it meant two more mouths to feed. Evan felt just as confused as the others, her heart told her what should be right but her brain told her what might be right. For once she had no idea which part of herself to trust.


	23. Twenty-two

A/N: Here's another chapter. I've had a very horrible day, I'd love it if I was cheered up by some reviews. :)

* * *

After a lot of silence and some quiet deliberation between the men they decided that the couple could at least stay the night, but that they might send them on the way as soon as the sun rose again. The man, Lawrence, and his wife Juliet thanked them repeatedly as Evan and Daryl opened the gate, with Rick carefully eying them. They didn't stop expressing their gratitude as they reached the house either, and it slightly got under Evan's skin. As Glenn and Dale played hosts and showed the couple around Evan managed to catch a glimpse of Rick's face, and she thought it looked different. Lighter. She wondered if Carl had said something to him. When Rick met her eyes she knew that he had. His eyes weren't as clouded anymore. And that's when she noticed he had shaved and changed his shirt, from his standard sheriff's one to a black t-shirt he must have found in a wardrobe somewhere. She offered him a smile before walking towards Carol's door, deciding that the others could handle the strangers on their own.

She knocked softly and entered when she was granted permission. Carol was sitting on her bed, fully dressed, and with a defeated expression slapped across her face. It pained Evan to see.

"An old couple just showed up," Evan said, trying to find something to talk about. She hadn't even known why she'd approached the grieving mother, but something in her gut wanted her to just be there.

Carol looked up. "Are they staying?"

"I don't know," Evan admitted, stepping further into the room so that she could close the door behind her. "I think that's still being decided. They can stay the night, but I don't know what will happen tomorrow."

"I should put together a meal then, for all of us. You must be starving." She got to her feet but Evan held her hands out to stop her.

"Carol, you don't have to do that. If you need more time…"

"I appreciate it, Evan. I really do." The woman stopped, swallowing. "I'm not going to give up. I'm still alive, and I'm not going to give up. No amount of time will ease the pain of losing Sophia, so I need to get out there. Keep living."

Evan could see that Carol meant every word. She lowered her hands and stepped aside, letting the older woman pass her. Together they left the small room behind, and Carol's steps seemed to be just a little lighter at least. The grief on her face seemed to have faded, even if it was just a fraction. They found everyone in the kitchen, with the strangers still gushing over their kindness and how lucky they were to have found such a lovely house to stay in. Lori had joined the group too, and smiled warmly at Carol when she entered.

"I'm going to make something for us to eat," Carol announced.

"I'll help," Lori quickly offered. Evan thought there was something different about that woman too, but she couldn't put her finger on it.

"Let me know if I can help," Juliet offered, but she was turned down.

"Don't worry about it, take a seat in the living room and we'll call everyone when we've got something to offer." Carol pointed towards the living room and gave Evan a look. Evan straightened her back and motioned with her hands towards the other room.

When Lawrence passed her with his wife Evan spotted the red stain on the back of his shirt. "Are you injured?" she asked, following them.

"Oh?" Lawrence looked confused, but then his expression changed. "Just a scratch. Bumped up against something. I'm okay." And he looked it. Tired, dirty, but okay.

"Well," Evan said. "We've got some pain killers if you want them. And we do have water, although it's cold. If you want to shower."

"Really?" Juliet said, her face lighting up.

"Yeah, and I'm sure we've got some clothes lying around. If you want I can show you to the upstairs bathroom and get some clothes for you in the meantime?" Evan knew that there was a great chance that the couple would be turned away in the morning, but she hoped not. To Evan these people were no different than her – if she hadn't been allowed to stay she would have died, she didn't doubt that for a second.

"That would be lovely, thank you," Lawrence said, gratitude adorning his wrinkled face. He looked kind, and Evan found herself smiling at him.

"This way," she called, moving towards the stairs.

* * *

Evan opened another wardrobe and sifted through the items hanging in there. She'd already found some clothes for Juliet, but because of Lawrence's build it was proving harder to find something for him to wear. He was tall and very broad shouldered, much bigger than anyone else in the group. Juliet had been easy, because she wasn't much bigger than Carol or Evan. She let out another frustrated sigh as she closed that wardrobe too and left the room that Glenn slept in and headed for the one Dale had chosen as his. She knocked softly, but when no one answered she stepped right in. It was empty. She moved past his things with the wardrobe as her only aim and pulled the door open. After that she only had the attic left, and she really didn't feel like going up there. Not in the middle of the day, because it got dangerously hot there then, and the heat mixed with the dust made it uncomfortable to breathe.

While her hands moved things around in the wardrobe someone appeared behind her and when a hand landed on her shoulder she spun around with her heart jumping up to the back of her throat.

"Oh," she breathed. "If you want to give me a heart attack there are easier ways to do it. Same goes for if you want to kill me…"

Rick smiled and took a step back, holding his hands up. "Sorry."

Evan shook her head and placed a hand on her chest to try and still her racing heart. "Well, you're here. Did you want something?"

"What do you think we should do about them?" he asked, his face now serious again.

"I don't know," Evan admitted. She turned away from him and continued in her search for some clothes for the old man. "Turning them out is probably the most reasonable option."

"But?"

She sighed. "If you'd applied that reasoning months ago, when you first found me, then I wouldn't be standing here." She turned to face him again, having found a shirt that could possibly work. "And I don't know about you or anyone else, but I'm really fucking glad that I'm standing here."

He was silent for a moment. "Evan, I can't even explain-" he cut himself off, swallowing. He shifted from one foot to the other, his eyes nervously darting around the room.

"I know," she assured him. She reached for his hand and wrapped her delicate fingers around his. "You don't have to say anything. Same here."

The world that had become their reality was too complicated for whatever was going on between them. There were too many important things to focus on, in order for them to even begin to explore what had been growing inside of them. Evan knew that her feelings for him had grown deeper, fonder, and she didn't doubt that there was a strong possibility that he felt the same way. She knew the security she felt from just being around him, and how calm she got when his skin was touching hers. She knew that it was something, but there wasn't time to figure it out. She was his friend and he was hers. She appreciated everything he was and he appreciated her just as much. She trusted him with her life and he trusted her with his. They knew that for certain and it was enough. It had to be enough. Evan squeezed his fingers tighter for a second and then let go, turning back to the wardrobe again.

"You think we should let them stay, then?" he asked once he was able to keep his voice steady.

"I think we have to let them stay," Evan corrected him. "I think that if we send them to their deaths we'll lose the last of our humanity, and we can't lose that. Shane lost his humanity."

She didn't have to say it; they both knew what she meant. If they sent an innocent couple out there to meet their death they would have spiraled just as out of control as Shane had. And Evan was right, that was a path they couldn't walk down.

"I'll keep that in mind, but we still have to ask the rest of the group."

Evan let out an "A-ha" triumphantly when she pulled out a pair of black dress pants that would without a doubt fit Lawrence's bigger form. She smiled at Rick then, apologetically. "I've been looking for clothes for him for a while." He raised his eyebrows, but said nothing. "I agree with you though. We definitely need to ask the rest of the group what they think."

Her face had gone from lighthearted to serious so quickly Rick had to laugh. The sounds falling from his lips played on the right strings in her heart, and she smiled widely. A moment started to build between them, but before anything else could happen Glenn appeared in the doorway, announcing that dinner was served.

"Thanks," Evan said. "I'll leave these clothes outside the bathroom and let Lawrence and Juliet know."

She shot another look at Rick before moving past him, heading towards the bathroom door. She saw Glenn walk down the stairs and Rick joined him quickly, glancing in Evan's direction momentarily. She raised her hand and knocked on the dark door. She could hear the water still running in there and wondered whether they would hear her or not.

"Yes?" Lawrence called through the door.

"I've got clothes for you here; I'll leave them outside the door. Dinner's ready too. And you've got towels, right?" she asked, leaning down to place the folded clothes neatly on the floor.

"Yes thank you, we'll be down soon."

Evan thought his voice sounded strained, but she didn't think more of it. They'd gone through a lot she was sure, just like they all had. It was enough to last them a lifetime, and enough to cause anyone to sound strained. And feel strained. Without another word Evan turned on her heel and descended the stairs too, ready to join her friends in the kitchen. Her stomach was chewing on itself and she realized she hadn't eaten anything since very early that morning. When she reached the kitchen they were all already there, even Daryl. Her eyebrows furrowed, and she wondered why no one was keeping watch.

"We'll decide what to do with the couple," Rick explained and she nodded. That made the expressions on their faces easier to understand. Evan took an empty seat in between Rick and Carol and he waited until she was still before he continued. "Because this concerns all of us, I think it's only fair that we all get a chance to say what we want to say."

Silence. The food was laid out on plates in front of them and Evan felt her mouth watering in anticipation. But she pushed it aside and focused on Rick's face instead.

"Does anyone want the floor?"

Dale immediately spoke up. "We have to let them stay. They're an old couple, who aren't even armed. They're no threat to us."

Everyone seemed to consider his words, except for Daryl who was hovering by the sink instead of sitting down with them. Evan was sure it was simply because he didn't care either way. Just like with most things he seemed to be content enough with the others to lead the way.

"I agree," Evan said. Her eyes briefly met Rick's. "You all allowed me to stay. This really isn't any different. If I could stay then so should they."

No one else said anything and a heavy silence spread across the room.

"So is there anyone who thinks we should send them away?" Rick finally asked.

A chorus of voices repeated a single word, "no", and then the decision was made. Rick nodded, licking his lips.

"It's settled. They'll stay."


	24. Twenty-three

A/N: Got an awesome review, and new chapter because review was osm!

* * *

It didn't take long before the elderly couple had joined them at the table, with Daryl being the only missing person. A cheerful chattering broke out, thanks to Juliet, who had a lot to say about everything. Her eyes were constantly smiling just as much as her lips were, showing off her teeth and the wrinkles around her mouth. Carol and Lori accepted the praise she offered and Glenn and Dale answered all the questions she had. When Rick announced that they could stay, and take Andrea's room, they lit up if possible even more.

"Oh, thank you so much," Juliet gushed, tears glittering in her blue eyes. "We've already been turned away by two other groups, and we'd been driving for nearly two days when we came across you."

Her husband rested his hand on hers on the table. "And unfortunately my glasses broke weeks ago, and that means I can't really drive, so she's had to do it alone. We can't thank you enough for taking us in."

"We're happy to have you," Dale pushed in. The old man looked relieved to have company in his own age around all of a sudden. "Tomorrow I'll show you around the grounds and you can help with the gardening if you'd like."

Evan chewed on the ham and vegetables, breathing happily. The candles scattered around the room cast dancing shadows around them and it added to the peacefulness of the scene. Even Lori seemed to have relaxed and was smiling when she answered Lawrence's questions about Carl and herself. There was a loaded moment when Juliet asked her if she was married, and Rick and Lori exchanged looks briefly, but then Lori replied that she had been married. Dale, Glenn and Carol noticeably stopped eating for a moment when they heard that, and Evan could see how the lot of them glanced towards the fingers that had previously held matching wedding bands but were now empty. Then the moment was over and the conversation continued.

"We're from Birmingham, Alabama originally," Juliet said in response to Dale's question. "Well, actually completely originally we're from Colorado, but we moved to Alabama almost twelve years ago."

"Never looked back," her husband assured them.

"How long have you been married?" Carl suddenly asked, eager to join in the conversation too.

"Twenty-six years," Lawrence said, squinting a little as if he was thinking carefully. "Yes, will be twenty-seven in a few months."

"That's lovely," Dale said and the rest of them nodded in agreement. "My wife and I had been married for quite a few years."

"Did she…?" Lawrence inquired carefully, but Dale shook his head.

"No, it was long before all of this." He waved his hand slightly for emphasis. "Cancer."

Evan continued to listen but didn't say a word, as the topic changed again, from marriage to career to studies to hobbies. She didn't have anything to add, and even Carl spoke more than she did. Evan's heart fluttered a little at the effort Carol was putting in to be sociable. She was strong, so much stronger than Evan considered herself to be, and she envied that. Evan and Tom had only brought up the subject of children once, when her period had been late. That time it had turned out to be nothing and Tom made it clear to her that he didn't want to have kids. Ever. In spite of previously having had a soft longing to become a mother Evan accepted Tom's will, and felt like the children she worked with would be enough. But if Evan had ever had children she knew that she would die if they did. She wouldn't be able to sit there, like Carol, with a smile on her face. If Evan ever lost a child she would give up instantly. But she was weak, or at least weaker than most of the people in the room. Bitterness built up inside of her and she had to force it back down; she didn't want this night to be tainted by negativity.

When Lori left to bring Carl to bed (after he gave his dad a big hug, which confirmed to Evan that they'd had a talk) it was a signal that it was time for everyone to turn in soon. Glenn had offered to take the night watch, but when he went out to switch with Daryl he had been sent straight back to the house. Apparently it was too crowded for the redneck for the time being, and he preferred the solitude he'd have when keeping watch. Dale left when the newcomers did, offering to walk them to their room, and Carol didn't linger long after that. Once again it was only Rick and Evan who remained in the kitchen. Together, in silence, they started emptying the table and then washing the plates they had used in the chilly water from the tap. Evan opened her mouth more than once to speak but words failed her. More than anything she wanted them to return to their cocoon.

"Good night," Rick said suddenly, taking Evan off guard. And then he left the kitchen behind and Evan as well.

For a long moment after she'd found herself alone Evan just stood there. Her mouth was slightly hanging open and her eyebrows were furrowed. She knew that she was reading too much into it, and she knew that he had every right to want to be alone, but the way he'd left just seemed so abrupt. As if he couldn't wait to get away from her. Finally she decided to shrug it off and she headed towards her room. She was his friend, so she would give him the time he needed to figure things out. A crushed spirit didn't get fixed in one night. Sighing Evan closed the door behind her and put down the candle she'd been carrying on the dresser. While humming a tune from her childhood she changed into the shorts and large t-shirt she preferred sleeping in and then she blew the candle out. The soft bed was calling her and she wasn't late to answer. Well under the blankets she tried to adjust her position. Once. Twice. Again.

She let out a frustrated huff and turned over on her side. Her eyes fell shut. The only sound she could hear was her own heart as well as the wind outside. And the occasional sigh from the house itself. A minute passed. Two. Ten. Groaning. She flipped onto her stomach, pressing her face into the pillow and breathing in the remaining scent of Rick that still clung to the fabric. A minute. Two. Ten. Growling now she tried to find comfort on her back instead, cursing under her breath. Her eyes studied the cracks in the ceiling, which she could barely make out in the darkened room. Repeatedly she tried to shut down all thoughts so that she could relax, but it didn't work. Exasperated she gave up and pushed the covers aside. The last time supplies had been gathered they'd found some tea tucked away in a cupboard and Evan decided that maybe the warmth from that could help her relax.

Careful not to make any sound, in case the others were sleeping, she crept into the kitchen again. When she'd gone to bed she had exsanguinated all the candles, but now she lit four of them again. It was enough to make sure she could see what she was doing. Another song buzzed in her mind and she started humming softly while she placed a pot of water on the small camping stove they'd managed to save when they abandoned the trailer. While the water heated up she opened a cupboard and found the tea, and then a mug. They didn't have any milk, but they did have the tiniest bit of sugar, so Evan settled for a teaspoon of that and placed it in the blue mug she'd found. The house sighed and Evan stopped dead in her tracks, making sure it was just the house settling and not someone up and about. Silence spread again and she accepted that it was simply the old house making its usual noises – nothing to worry about.

With careful hands she removed the boiling water from the stove and turned it off. Then she filled the blue mug with water, and had almost finished when there was a growl behind her. With a loud clang she dropped the pot and in the process spilled the burning water from the mug, causing it to splash all over her right hand. She twirled around, swearing, and froze. The pain in her hand seemed so irrelevant now. It was Juliet. Or, what had been Juliet. Evan racked her brain, trying to understand what had happened. It wasn't possible. Lawrence was the one who'd had a wound, if anyone was going to turn, it would have been him. But Juliet was the one who had found Evan in the kitchen, and the entire front of the white pajamas Evan had given her earlier was caked in blood. That Juliet was the one who had attacked Lawrence was as obvious as the danger Evan was in.

The walker – Juliet – lounged and Evan yelped, throwing herself violently to her left. She didn't have a weapon. Frantically she picked up one of the kitchen chairs and held it up in front of her, in between them. Wood splintered and Evan screamed. She knew that the others would have heard her by then, but she also knew that they would be too late. Jaws and dead hands reached for Evan through the remains of the chair and she pushed, as hard as she could, until the walker slammed its back into the counter. It seemed to disorganize it, if only temporarily, and Evan searched for a weapon, a silent prayer rushing through her head. Sweat was building and her lungs aching. The burn on her hand made it feel as if it might fall off. She had to ignore it all.

Her hands found nothing useful and the walker was ready again, and threw itself violently forward, jaws snapping and teeth glimmering. It was over her before she could stop it, and it was a miracle that she managed to grab half of the seat from the broken chair to shield herself with. Teeth bit into it, crushing the wood, and Evan cried out again, using her knees to try and force the thing away from her. It was too heavy. It was too strong. Blood splattered Evan's face and hands. And then, when she was sure everything was over, a gunshot rang out and the walker stilled. Evan looked back, sobbing violently, and saw Carol standing with a gun clutched in her hands. The entire ordeal had felt like years but Evan realized no more than maybe a minute had passed. Still trapped under the walker and with every muscle in her body aching Evan started stammering out her thanks, and an explanation of what had happened, but her words all slurred together.

Seconds later the others found them, shock plastered all over their faces. Rick was the one who seemed to come to his senses first, and with a bark he ordered Glenn and Dale to make sure Lawrence hadn't turned into a walker too, and to check on Lori and Carl. Then he turned towards Carol who still had the gun raised in front of her. He pushed on her hand until the barrel was pointing towards the floor, and she also seemed to come to her senses somewhat.

"Are you okay?" he asked Evan, bending town towards her, moving the body off of her.

Evan sobbed again, tears licking her cheeks greedily. His hands found hers and he helped her up, causing her to cry out again.

"Were you bit?" When he realized she couldn't stand he joined her on the floor, hands harshly holding her head between them, staring her straight in the eye.

"No," she sobbed. "She didn't bite me."

The second after she was pressed firmly against his chest, her face buried in his shoulder as she continued to weep.

"Thank God," Rick mumbled against her hair. "Thank God."

The fear she had felt started to subside as she sat in his embrace, clinging to him, her fingers holding on to the fabric of his shirt so tightly they started to ache. Her hand still burned and she had hit her hip bad when she crashed to the floor, but she didn't care. Not right then. She was so fucking sick of coming face to face with death. So fucking sick of it. Evan shifted slightly, pressing her face to Rick's neck instead.

"Thank you," she whispered into his skin. He didn't reply, instead he rubbed circles on her back with the palm of his hand.

"What the hell happened?" Carol suddenly exclaimed, as if it had taken her until then to fully snap out of it.

"She killed Lawrence," Dale announced, who had joined them in the kitchen again. "She must have been bit before coming here. And when she turned she killed her husband. She'd ripped him apart so much that although he had turned he wasn't able to move much. We took care of him."

"Thank you," Rick said. "How are the others?"

"They're fine," Glenn assured him.

Evan tried to stop shivering, and repeatedly swallowed, with the intention of smothering the rasping sobs. But she wasn't able to.

"We'll go upstairs and take care of Lawrence," Dale said uncertainly.

Evan couldn't see them, but she felt Rick nod and she heard them leave. Suddenly it struck her that she was both covered in blood and that the disgusting stench she sensed wasn't just the walker, but also her clothes. She leaned away from the embrace and started wiping at the shirt with her hands, as if that would help even in the slightest. It didn't matter that it was useless; her hands couldn't stop their frantic actions until Rick wrapped his fingers around her wrists.

"I want it off," Evan insisted, chocking on another sob.

"Okay." Rick stood, pulling her with him. "We'll go to the bathroom and you can wash yourself off."

She nodded and didn't put up a fight when he wrapped an arm around her waist and helped her up and then steadied her as she limped towards the stairs. The bathroom with the best shower – even though the water was cold – was upstairs and Evan didn't want to go there, not knowing what was up there, but she was too tired to fight.

"Your hand," Rick said suddenly, "Are you okay?"

"I burned it on the water," she mumbled. "It's fine." It wasn't fine. It was throbbing, just like her hip. But the most important thing for her was to get the disgusting gore off of her. She couldn't stand the sensation of her shirt clinging to her skin because of the blood. It made her sick, and she had to swallow repeatedly to keep from throwing up.

"I'll take care of that later." They had reached the stairs, and suddenly Rick spoke to someone other than her. "Could you go get some clean clothes for her, and ask Dale and Glenn to clean the kitchen? And please make sure Lori and Carl know what's going on and that everything's fine."

If there was a response Evan didn't hear it. After managing half the stairs she suddenly felt exhausted to her very core, and she couldn't do it anymore. She slumped forward and Rick caught her just before she slammed against the steps. She told him in a hoarse voice that she couldn't do it, and then she apologized, fresh tears burning her eyes. He brushed her words of apology away and instead bent down and picked her up, one arm around her upper body and the other at the hollow of her knees. When they reached the bathroom Evan had nearly stopped crying; now just feeling numb instead. She felt like a fucking idiot. Like a disgusting fucking idiot. She was covered in bits of what had been an old lady, whom Evan had insisted should stay. If Evan had died it had been her own fault for being so recklessly dumb.

Well in the bathroom Rick first placed her on the toilet seat, and then promised he'd be right back. Sure enough, two minutes later he returned with several candles. Evan hadn't even realized that she'd been sitting in the dark. He turned the shower on and crouched down in front of her, one hand on her damp cheek.

"Evan, I'll be right outside the door, okay?" he said slowly. "I'll have Carol come in with clean clothes for you to wear, and I'll go get some painkillers and bandages for your hand."

He leaned in, his scent clouding Evan's mind completely, and then pressed his lip softly to her forehead. When he moved back and left the room Evan could swear he was still with her.


	25. Twenty-four

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! They def make me happy to the core!

* * *

The sound of the running water echoed in Evan's head. The candles caused shadows to dance around her. She didn't know what she was doing. Where she was. Who she was. She blinked, fresh tears glittering in her eyelashes, but was unable to do anything else. She raised her hands and looked at them in the vague light. A red sticky substance was clinging to her skin greedily. Her right hand was stinging profusely. Her hip ached. She tipped her head down, to look at the clothes she was wearing. Her mind felt numb as her hands tugged at the fabric coated in red blood. She sat there, numbly, without being able to do anything else, for a long moment. Her breaths came out in jagged huffs and the room was swinging with her in it. Nausea built again, beginning at the pit of her stomach, working its way up her throat. She swallowed harshly, willing it to stay down. Evan wasn't sure of what to do.

When Rick knocked on the door some minutes later, Evan didn't respond at first. He knocked again, his voice following, calling her name. Evan's eyes had turned towards the door, but then she looked down at her hands again. She held them out in front of herself, opening and closing them repeatedly, focusing on the dark mess painting them red. Then the door shot open, as Rick had grown impatient of waiting, worrying that something had happened. He froze when he saw her where she was sitting, and with a deep sigh he closed the door behind him and placed the towel and clothes he'd brought on the tiled floor.

"Evan," he said softly, bending down in front of her. "Evan?"

She turned her gaze towards him. Her mouth fell open, but nothing came out. She held her hands out, palms up, showing them to him. Her mind had snapped. Shock had gripped her, and she didn't know how to shake it off. His hands found hers and he held them tightly. Tears threatened to fall again, and she sniffled once. Then her voice came back to her.

"I have to get these off," she mumbled. "I- I can't wear this, I'm covered in- in her blood."

"Okay, okay." He used his thumbs to stroke the back of her hands, willing her to calm down. "Evan, I know the water's cold, but I'll help you, okay? I'll help you get cleaned up."

She nodded meekly and he leaned back a little and released her hands. He rubbed his face for a few seconds, thoughts clearly whirling around in his head about how to handle the situation.

"Okay," he said again, leaning forward and placing his hands at her hips. "I'm going to pull your shirt off." He talked slowly, making sure she could hear.

Evan only nodded in response, and lifted her arms up over her head. Taking it as a sign that she knew full-well what he intended to do and was okay with it he pulled the soaked shirt up and a few seconds later he discarded it on the floor. Her skin had a soft glow in the swaying light from the candles, and he paused again, putting his hands on her knees this time. He inspected her shorts and noted that they were stained too.

"Do you want to remove your pants too?" he asked gently. When she nodded he helped her stand and before long they too had been removed.

Somewhere deep in Evan's mind she was aware of the situation. That she was standing on front of Rick wearing black panties and a faded gray bra. But right then, in that moment, it didn't matter. It wasn't about anything except for her desperation to get clean and she was too distraught to even grasp the concept of doing it herself.

"This is going to be cold," he warned, lifting her up and moving towards the running water. "I'm sorry," he added when he placed her under it. She shivered and gasped, but didn't protest. She was too distraught for that too.

Slowly, using the small bar of soap they still had left, he cleaned her hands and arms. He ran his hands along her stomach and chest, where blood had soaked clean through the fabric to leave stains on skin. Evan stood, back against the wall and head tipped back. Her eyes were open, staring at a single spot in the ceiling, and her arms hung limply at her sides. When there was no longer a single trace of the walker on her body he turned the water off and quickly bent down to retrieve the towel. He pressed the soft fabric against her skin, wrapping it around her body tightly. The chill of the water had cleared Evan's mind somewhat, and she was able to step out of the shower with Rick's help.

"Here." He helped her towards the toilet again and sat her down on top of the closed lid. "I'm going to look at your hand now. And you've got some splinters from the chair in your arm; I'll pick those out as well."

"Okay," she replied. "Thank you, Rick." There was so much more to the three simple words than she could express, but he knew. He understood.

Peace engulfed them while he took care of her hand. She spoke only when it was to thank him for the painkillers he handed her, and then she fell silent again. Her heart was slowly calming itself down, and rationality soon followed. Evan was starting to feel better when Rick started removing the splinters in her arm. He apologized when she hissed but didn't stop. Time seemed to whirl around them and soon she had a bandage over the shallow wounds on her arm and another wrapped tightly around her injured hand. They didn't have anything to treat burns with, but he hoped it would be alright regardless. Evan was still shivering when he finished, her wet underwear a painful reminder of the cold shower.

"Can you get dressed?" he asked, his hands resting on her bare knees.

She considered it, her eyes focused on her now clean hands. "Yeah."

"I'll be right outside," he promised and stood up.

When she was alone she got up gingerly, holding on to the sink to keep herself from falling. She allowed the towel to drop and then tugged off the remaining articles of clothing she was wearing, letting them join the towel on the floor. The clothes Carol had given Rick to bring were a pair of worn sweatpants, a pair of dark blue panties and a tank top. She tugged them on quickly and then placed herself in front of the mirror. Her image stared back at her, eyes filled with memories too painful for anyone to bear. Her lips trembled as she was still freezing and her damp hair hung in tangles around her frightened face. There had been a time where Evan enjoyed watching herself in the mirror. Not that she had ever been conceited, but she had enjoyed wearing make-up or picking out a nice outfit for a date night with Tom. Now she stood in barely clean clothes, without a bra, no make-up and hair that hadn't been brushed in days. And yet it seemed so ridiculously irrelevant. Finally she didn't want to see the evidence of the previous events so she turned away from her reflection and headed for the door, opening it slowly.

Rick was there, just like he'd promised. The second she moved out into the hallway, her bare feet not making a single sound as they stepped on the floorboards, he was by her side, a hand on her shoulder. The touch sent shivers up her spine. Not ones from the cold.

"Are you alright?" He had asked her many times already, and yet she didn't mind. When others had asked her that, before, it had annoyed her to no end, because she could take care of herself. But that was before, when she was a different Evan. This Evan could take care of herself, but didn't want to. Not all the time.

"I'm cold. And tired." She wrapped her arms around herself for emphasis.

"Okay, I'll blow out the candles and walk you down."

He moved past her, his hand leaving her skin and she instantly missed the contact. It was only gone for a matter of seconds, however, because when he returned he held a candle in one hand and the other he wrapped around her upper body, his hand coming to a rest at the side of her ribs. If she fell he would catch her.

At the foot of the stairs they were met by the concerned faces of their bearded friend. He looked like he wanted to say something, but weren't sure if she was capable of replying.

"I'm fine. I just need to sleep," she assured him meekly. She had tried to keep her voice even, but she couldn't stop it from trembling.

"We've cleaned everything up," Dale said. "Glenn went to tell Daryl, and Carol is upstairs with Lori and Carl."

"I'll see you tomorrow. Can you keep everything going until I'm up?"

"Yeah, of course. Look after her." The concern in his voice moved Evan so much she nearly broke down into tears again.

Luckily Rick continued leading her through the living room. When they reached the kitchen Evan involuntarily tensed, and her breath got caught in her chest. She closed her eyes firmly, not wanting to see even a single trace of the earlier events. She knew that Dale had said they'd taken care of it, but even the missing chair would be too much for her to see. At least then. Rick's grip around her tightened. Finally he closed the door behind them, and placed the candle on the dresser. Evan sank down onto the mattress, letting out a sigh of relief that the night was finally over.

"Do you want me to stay?"

Evan was surprised that he had to ask. After that night, after everything. Things were different. At least to her. Maybe he didn't feel what she felt. Maybe his skin didn't vibrate when it touched hers. Maybe his stomach didn't flutter when he could feel her breathe. Hers did. Completely. Uncontrollably. Evan wanted him to stay. She wanted him to always stay. But only if that was what he wanted. Only if things had changed for him too. She tipped her head back and met his eyes, doing her best to read them.

"Do you want to stay?"

It wasn't a simple question. It was so much more than that. A million times more than that.

He didn't hesitate for a second; he sat down next to her, his hands finding hers again. Like they always seemed to do. As if they belonged there. Wrapped tightly together, making it hard to see where she ended and he began. Then they moved in synch, together, each movement by one mirrored by the other. They found their position in the bed, on their sides, noses touching and breaths mixing. Evan could feel something new, something that was pressing down on her from all around, something that was in the darkened room with them, fluttering just as much as the flame of the candle did.

"What are you thinking?" he asked, breaking the spell of silence.

"Everything. Nothing," she admitted. "Especially everything."

"Anything in particular?" There was a smile in his voice. Her heart rate picked up.

"I'm thinking about tonight. I'm trying not to, but I can't help it." She sighed. "I'm not sure what to think."

"I'm sorry," he said. "I feel like it's my fault. I shouldn't have let them stay."

She felt a spark of anger. "Don't blame yourself!"

"I can't help it," he said, mirroring her words.

There was a pause and Evan tried to make sense of her feelings. Of her thoughts. Of anything. When she couldn't she let out a frustrated sigh, and moved, turning over on her back, unable to look into his eyes any longer. That confused her too.

"Now what are you thinking?" His voice was low, almost a murmur, but she could hear him as clear as if he'd been shouting.

"I don't want to say," she admitted.

It was Rick's turn to let out a sigh. "Why?"

"It's complicated. And it could get more complicated. There's no room for complicated in this world. There's no room for anything but fighting to stay alive. Everything else is just unnecessary and irrelevant. Completely irrelevant." Her rant came to a halt, and she swallowed, but wasn't able to stop her eyes from spilling tears.

"I think that's absolutely absurd." She turned her head to look at him, brow furrowed. "We do have to fight to stay alive, but without _complicated_" – he borrowed her word – "then why would we want to? It's not unnecessary to want complicated. Or need it."

"I'm scared." Evan wasn't able to take the talk any further. Not then.

"I am too." He moved, flipping over on his back also, and then pulling Evan half on top of himself so that her head rested against his chest. "Let's sleep now, and complicate things tomorrow if we still feel like it."

She couldn't help but grin, and moved her free hand to rest smoothly on his chest. "Good night, Rick. And thank you. For everything."

Mere moments later she fell asleep to the sound of his steady heartbeat and even breathing, feeling more at ease and content than she had ever before.


	26. Twenty-five

A/N: Last update for today. Long chapter is long. And speshul. ;D

* * *

Evan woke up with the memories from the previous night haunting her. The only reason she didn't panic as her eyes fluttered open was because she was still lying in Rick's embrace. And it made her feel safe. She shifted and glanced up, seeing that he was already awake. When her eyes met his he flashed her a smile.

"How long have you been staring at me sleeping?" she asked, grinning.

"I didn't want to wake you up. You looked like you really needed some rest." He adjusted his position slightly.

She sat up then, causing a confused expression to appear on his features. She flushed. "Bathroom," she confessed and climbed over him. "I'll be right back. Stay here."

Rick had a smile on his face when she opened the door and stepped out into the kitchen, ignoring the missing chair and heading straight through it, then through the living room, and finally she dashed into the small toilet and locked the door behind her. Their conversation the night before replayed in her head, over and over, and she tried to decipher what he had meant by what he said. To Evan it genuinely seemed ridiculous to focus on anything but what they had to in order to stay alive, but according to Rick's words it seemed he disagreed. Was he right? Evan couldn't make any sense of it, and she didn't really look forward to returning to her room. She didn't want to open that can of worms, but she realized it was probably necessary. For his sake and for hers.

She washed her hand, carefully, allowing the bandaged one to stay dry. She inspected her injuries and happily noted that the painkillers from the night before had done a good job, and that they were only minor. The burn on her hand wasn't going to kill her. She tugged the hem of her sweatpants down a little again, and lifted her shirt up too, turning and leaning, trying to see. And there it was, a massive purple bruise stretching from her hip bone and all the way to her back. She groaned but thanked her lucky star that it wasn't worse. A bruise was nothing in comparison to being eaten alive. Or dying and then coming back. When she unlocked the door and stepped out she bumped straight into Lori. Shame washed over Evan, knowing who had slept in her bed the night before.

"Are you alright?" Lori asked, anything but anger or hatred painted on her features. "I've been worried, and Carl's been asking for you."

"I'm okay." Evan held her hands up. "I'm just tired. I don't know what time it is, but I think I'll spend the rest of the day in my room. Tell Carl I'll see him tonight or tomorrow. I promise."

"It's past lunch," Lori informed her and Evan nodded gratefully. "I'll tell Carl."

Evan took a few steps past her but was stopped by the sound of her voice.

"It's okay, you know," she said. When Evan looked confused Lori continued. "Rick is a really good man. Really."

Without another word Lori walked away, and Evan remained. She knew what Lori meant. She knew what she had said. And she knew how much it must have taken for her to utter those words. Now feeling like she and Rick _really_ needed to talk Evan headed back towards her bedroom, only momentarily wondering where everyone was. But she decided that wasn't important. They were all alive or Lori would have said something, so she could easily push that to the back of her mind. When she started towards her room she was walking fast, with a determined bounce in her step, but the closer she got the more unsure she felt. She knew what she felt. Or at least she thought she did. Yet she didn't know if he felt the same way or if there was even a point in trying to pursue anything. It was too much, every thought and possibility tugging at her insides, creating a war. Should they even talk about it, did it matter if they felt something, could it ever turn into anything? Evan didn't know, and didn't know if she wanted to either.

"Welcome back." Rick was leaning up against the wooden headboard when Evan returned. His hands were folded in his lap and it looked like he too had a lot to say.

"It's already afternoon," Evan informed him, taking a seat at the foot of the bed. "I said I was going to stay in here for the rest of the day, but if you have things to do I'm okay on my own."

"Don't be stupid, I'm staying here. We should talk." He leaned away from the headboard and crossed his legs after scooting closer to her. Now he was sitting so close to her that their knees were touching.

"I'm not sure I want to. I'm not sure I can." Evan was treading unknown waters and she thought she might drown if she took a wrong step. She didn't know how to handle her emotions; even less did she know how to tell someone about them. She couldn't understand or make sense of them; it wasn't fair to expect anyone else to be able to.

He reached for her hand. Held it in his. "I'm not sure either," he admitted. "It's okay not to be sure."

She linked their fingers together and moved until she was sitting next to him instead. "I want to know that you feel what I feel."

Evan bit her lower lip, suddenly terrified. She was 26 years old, and yet she suddenly felt like a 15 year old, having told a boy she had a crush on him. Except Rick wasn't a boy and this wasn't a crush.

"I do," he promised.

"How do you know? You don't know what I feel." Stubbornly she looked away, her eye stuck on the dull wallpaper.

His hand found her cheek and turned her head until her gaze met his. "I know."

And then he kissed her. Evan couldn't say that she heard a choir of angels sing as his lips gently pushed against hers, but she could say that he fit. With her. In that moment. In that room. In that embrace. His lips fit against hers perfectly. Her arms wrapped around his neck and she hoisted herself closer, until she was sitting in his lap and there was nothing except for fabric keeping them apart. His hands had long ago found their way to the small of her back. At first the kiss had been trying, careful, but it wasn't anymore. It had turned feverish. Eager. Needful. Before it could escalate further Evan broke away, breathing heavily, her eyes opening to meet his. The expression on his face mirrored exactly what Evan felt.

"I guess things are complicated now," he said, grinning.

She said nothing, instead she kissed him again.

* * *

"Stop staring," she mumbled and opened her eyes. He was peering down at her from where he was sitting, her head in his lap and his back pressed against the headboard. After a long moment of lips against lips and hands clinging tightly to each other she'd realized how tired she still was, and crawled back into a lying position, but he didn't join her. Instead he'd placed her head in his lap and tangled his fingers in her hair, content on being near her as she slept.

"How did you know?" His lips formed a smile, but his eyes were curious.

"I have my ways," she said. A yawn followed and she moved up into a sitting position. "How long have I been sleeping?"

"Not sure, but it's dark out. If that helps." They both let out content sighs when she found her spot pressed next to his side, her head resting on his shoulder and his arm slumped over hers.

"We have to emerge at some point." She yawned again and he grinned. "I don't want to, because in here, it feels like we can pretend we're not in grave danger. As if we can for just a moment pretend that the world isn't what it is and people aren't dying. But we have to emerge, and face it all. And figure out what to do next."

He furrowed his eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"Are we going to stay here indefinitely?" She moved a little, shifting her weight, so she could press her face into the side of his neck, breathing in his scent.

"I thought that was what we all wanted to do?" The hand that wasn't wrapped around her body found one of her hands and seized it gently.

"It's not a bad plan," she explained, "it's just that sometimes I wonder if this is all there is to it. Are we going to live like this for the rest of our lives, how long or short that may be, or are we going to see if there's a reason behind it all and something we can do to… I don't know, stop it?"

Her words struck a chord not just in his heart, but in her own as well. Those words had been whirling through everyone's minds since day one, but no one had wanted to utter them. Could anyone even dare to hope for a day when they didn't have to live in constant fear or see their friends die? Probably not, because it seemed so very unlikely. And yet there the words were, spilled from Evan's lips. Maybe there was logic in her words or maybe it was all just insanity. For a long moment neither of them spoke and Evan was afraid that she'd opened a discussion that she wasn't ready to handle. Apologetically she pressed her lips to his soft skin.

"I guess we should definitely stay here over the winter though, and if there's something else we want to do once spring comes, we can deal with it then." She leaned back so she could see his face, and his expression softened slightly at her new words. At their compromise.

"Deal," he agreed.

Evan tried to wrap her head around the new situation she'd ended up in as silence once more settled in between them. Since this all happened she had accepted that romance and everything that came with it was useless. Being in love, having someone to hold at night, it didn't keep you alive. When the walkers came it didn't matter if you had a ring on your finger or hadn't shared a kiss with someone in years. And if she was being honest with herself it had also scared her, the thought of falling in love again. Out there. With what the world had become. In her previous life with Tom things had been so linear. Good people did good things and bad people did bad things. People found a partner and they got married. They had good jobs and after a few years they had children. Now everything had been altered completely. Good people did terrible things, because their hands were forced and bad people did good things for the same reasons. To survive. Here marriage was useless, because what did it matter? No one had any assets to protect and it didn't give any legal benefits because there was no law anymore. The thought of children scared Evan even more. It was true that even before modern medicine women had been having children successfully, but at least they hadn't had dead people coming after them and doing their best to tear their skin off with their teeth. And what kind of world was it to grow up in? To always know fear, distress and mistrust?

And yet there Evan was, wrapped tightly in Rick's embrace and feeling as if she'd always been meant to find her way there. Evan didn't really believe in "meant to be", but in that moment she chose to forget that and focused on the man's breathing next to her, which soothed her heart as easily as anything. Besides, Rick had said that there was no point in even fighting to live if there was nothing that made it worth it. Evan guessed he was right, in a way. Now that her heart seemed to beat for him as much as it did for her, she could feel herself getting more determined to make sure they made it. She had no idea what the future was, or what it would become, but she wanted to be there to find out. Even if this had to be their life, hiding and always being on guard, she wanted to be there if Rick was too. The overpowering surge of her feelings scared and overjoyed her at the same time. Even with Tom it hadn't been like it was now, but Evan suspected that didn't have anything to do with Tom having been a lesser man, but just because it meant more now. Before love and marriage had been taken granted but now it was a privilege and not a right.

Finally Evan pushed all thoughts away, no longer wanting to try and pick apart her feelings and the new formed relationship – if that's what it was – she found herself in. Voices crept in through the door from the kitchen and knowing that it was unavoidable for them to leave the room at some point she shifted until she could reach to kiss him. Sparks made themselves reminded, however briefly.

"Let's go," she said when they broke apart. He didn't argue.

Before stepping out Evan pulled on a sweater over her tank. Evan stopped with one hand on the knob and looked over at Rick, raising her eyebrows to silently ask if he was ready. When he nodded she pulled the door open and stepped out. Carol and Carl sat in the kitchen, placing food up on plates for dinner. When they saw Evan they both lit up, although Carl more noticeably so.

"I've been so worried," he exclaimed and left the chair behind, throwing himself towards her. "Are you alright?"

His arms wrapped tightly around her waist and she returned the hug without hesitation. "I'm okay. Sore and tired, but okay. Scared," she admitted.

"How's your hand?" Carol asked, remaining at the table but clearly relieved that Evan was up and walking around again. Evan could understand, the last time they'd seen her she'd been a train wreck.

"It throbs, but it's manageable." Evan held her hand up as Carl left her side to return to his task. "How is everyone else?"

Rick was hovering behind her and Evan was painfully aware of the way his entire being radiated towards her, and she could still feel his skin on hers. His lips on hers. She had to focus on Carol to hear the reply.

"Scared. But okay. They've burned the bodies." Her glance shifted towards the boy, but he didn't even seem to have heard her. "Now Lori's resting and Daryl too and I think Dale and Glenn are keeping watch."

"I'm going to check on Dale and Glenn," Rick said suddenly, stepping forward. "Make sure everything's in order. And have them fill me in about all the details."

"Can I come?" Carl asked eagerly. Evan could see the 'no' forming on Rick's lips but she stopped it.

"Yeah, you go, and I'll help Carol with dinner." She smiled at him and he looked expectantly at his dad, who nodded, but threw a short glance towards Evan that definitely didn't thank her for those words.

He did smile though when he placed a hand on Carl's shoulder and led him out, leaving the two women alone. Evan sighed and sat down where Carl had previously been sitting. She rolled up the sleeves of the white sweater and cleared her throat.

"Okay, what am I doing?" she asked.

"You can help me sort through which of these cans are still edible and not," Carol instructed. "Daryl went for a quick run earlier, to find more food, and found these in a basement. But some of them have definitely expired. You do that and I'll continue sorting out our dinner."

Evan nodded. "Sounds easy enough."

She got to work and they both focused on their tasks in silence for a while, with Evan looking at the dates on the cans when possible and opening them slightly when the numbers were unreadable. More than once her face scrunched up when a rotting stench slapped against her and Carol couldn't help but chuckle every time. Evan discarded the unusable cans and threw them in a large garbage bad she'd been given and the edible cans she put in a box that rested on the empty chair next to her. It was Carol who finally broke the peace.

"So what's going on with the two of you?"

The question took Evan so off guard she cut her finger on the can she'd just opened.

"Ah, fuck," she moaned, grabbing a piece of stray paper and pushing it against the finger. It wasn't serious, but it did sting regardless. "I'm sorry, what did you just ask?"

"You and Rick. Yesterday, the way he was looking at you… and then he helped you clean up and spent the entire night and day with you in that bedroom." Her eyes were studying Evan closely, but there wasn't any animosity in them, only inquisitiveness. While trying to figure out what to reply, Evan used her good hand to continue her task.

"It's complicated," Evan admitted, and smiled at the memories the word brought back. "I guess I'm totally head over heels for him, as high school as that sounds."

Carol smiled. "Is he totally head over heels for you?" she asked, using Evan's own words.

"God, I hope so." Evan stopped what she was doing and looked at the older woman. "Is this crazy? I mean, in this world we're in, shouldn't this be the last thing on our minds?"

"I don't think so," Carol mused slowly. "It creates hope. That in spite of all the horrors there's still something good to hold on to. I think that makes things like this," – she waved her hand towards Evan for emphasis – "all the more important. At least it gives me hope, and God knows I could use some more of that."

Evan reached for her friend's hand and wrapped her hands around the fragile fingers. When Carol smiled it reached her eyes, in spite of the tears glittering in them. The conversation stopped then, because there wasn't much more to say. But Carol's words had burned into Evan's mind and she dared to think that maybe they were true, and that it was okay to hope for something more. Something bigger. Someday.


	27. Twenty-six

A/N: Enjoy!

* * *

As summer passed into fall things at the farm fell into a comfortable rhythm. Fear still crept in every corner of the rooms but they kept it at bay by talking cheerfully about everything between heaven and earth. When Evan went through the attic again, late August, she found a monopoly game and shortly thereafter they all began playing, keeping their spirits up by pretending that everything was normal, if only for a short period of time. They argued over rules, accused each other of cheating and Dale proved to be absolutely excellent at the board game. Even Daryl had attempted to join in once, but clearly didn't know how to be a part of something so normal and then whenever the game came out at night in the flickering lights from their candles he stood watch so the others could play.

The trying relationship between Evan and Rick was kept low key, even though the others had already figured it out long before the pair themselves. In spite of that they felt there was no need to flaunt it around, not with Carl and Lori there. At night however they never slept without the other there, within reach, and Evan had grown so accustomed to it she wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to sleep without hearing his steady breathing ever again. Thankfully they didn't have any more close calls, although a group of strangers had very nearly walked straight into Daryl, Glenn and Rick when they went for supplies. With that near miss in mind they became even more vigilant to keep to themselves. As the leaves turned from green to orange and the winds grew colder the walkers seemed fewer and further in between. They still spotted at least a handful per day, but they hadn't seen even the hint of a herd for months. Something they all thanked the heavens for.

It was almost as if there was a storm raging out there, but the group could hide from it inside and pretend it wasn't there in the cozy warmth from the fire. They all knew nothing had changed, not really, and they all knew that their suffering hadn't ended yet, but none of them said it out loud. They laughed, teased, ate, cleaned, played games and kept the conversations light. At first Evan had thought it was for Carl's benefit but soon she realized it was for them all. Maybe it was like with Carol, that hope had sparked within them all in being reminded by Evan and Rick that there could be something more to the world than death. Evan wasn't sure of when or why they had all made a silent pact to focus on what little joy they had, but she was grateful for it to her very core.

* * *

"You smell nice," Rick whispered against her skin while she was trying to pull a shirt on. He had snuck up behind her and wrapped his arms tightly around her form, making it impossible for her to get dressed.

"I don't doubt that, but it's cold, I'd like to not hang around in my underwear for the rest of the night." Her tone was light to assure him of her mood. He dropped his arms and then held them up in defense.

"I apologize," he said, playfully mocking her. But he also felt a shiver run through his body and picked up his own t-shirt from the floor and pulled it on, before climbing into the small bed that had become theirs. Sometimes it wasn't comfortable at all, and more than once Evan had found herself lying half-way off it, but the reward of being close during the dark nights made it worth it a million times over.

"I wish you wouldn't leave tomorrow." She finished getting dressed into her sleeping outfit and turned towards him. Ready to take her place right next to his warm body. "I know we're almost out of supplies again, but I still wish you wouldn't go."

Evan situated herself and her head fell into a comfortable position on his chest while his arms found their way around her form. "We'll be quick. The farm we're going to check out is only a two hour drive away. We'll be home before you know it."

He kissed her when she leaned up towards him and Evan felt the familiar tug at the pit of her stomach. She broke the kiss and settled back down. For nearly a month – whenever he came too close, when the kiss got too eager, when her body ached too much for him – she would turn away swiftly, before anything could escalate. They'd had one awkward fight about it once, but since then Evan had made it clear that the subject should never again be breeched unless he wanted to deal with the big argument that would follow. She heard him sigh at the rejection but he said nothing. Evan knew how he felt because she felt it too. During their fight she had shouted at him that it was hard for her too. Her body ached for his too. But it didn't matter. It wasn't worth the risk. She had accepted their relationship. She had accepted that she felt too much for him to be able to put it into words and she had accepted that it was okay for them to feel the way they did. It was okay in spite of the war outside. Her risking getting pregnant was not okay. It was not fair. It was not something she could ever do. If that meant that she'd have to ignore the way she wanted him then so be it. Evan was many things but not selfish or purposely reckless.

"I wish you wouldn't pull away like that." His voice was soft, yet hard at the same time. The bitter tint was unmistakable.

"I don't want to talk about it." Her tone reminded him of her warning; the subject was not to be brought up again. Nothing good would ever come from it. She wasn't going to change her mind.

"But I do."

Anger sparked in her, shoving lust out the window. She sat up, as best as she could in the small bed, and glared at him. "We can have this conversation a hundred times more, Rick, but it's not going to change how I feel about it. It's going to cause an argument and nothing else."

"Then let is cause an argument," he pressed, sitting up also, with his back against the headboard. "I understand how you feel and why you feel it, but do you understand how I feel?"

"Of course I do," she shot at him. "Okay, we'll do this. Fine. And I'm not going to be cute or coy about it because we're both adult and there's no point." Her lower lip trembled angrily. "I want to have sex with you too, Rick. Of course I do, you're stupid if you think that I don't get affected by sleeping next to you, or feeling your lips on mine. But I can't risk getting pregnant. I don't care how small that risk is – I just won't take that chance!"

She'd spilled her mind, again. Then it was his turn.

"I know it makes me sound like an asshole, as if I'm pressing you into something, but I can't help that I want you. All of you." He took a deep breath and rubbed his tired face with his rough hands. "I don't know how much longer I can trust myself to be so close to you without ever being able to give into my urges. And to your urges, because you want it too."

"Of course I do."

"I can't take this anymore. Evan, I want you." He lowered his hands and she saw the unuttered words on his face.

"Are you saying that either I change my mind or we're… done?" Her eyes started burning but she was unable to look away from his features. His hands shot out to take her face in his soft grasp.

"No, not at all. Absolutely not. No!" he assured her sharply. "I couldn't imagine not being with you, having you to pull me along and give me a reason to keep going through all of what the world is now. I'm just…"

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, a single tear rolling down her cheeks. His fingers brushed it away and the motion sent chills up her spine. "I can't change my mind. I can't risk it. Not just because I feel like I'd become a burden if I got pregnant, or because I could die. But because how could I not feel like the worst person in the world if I behaved recklessly and as a result dragged an innocent child into this?"

"It wouldn't be just you," he said gently. "It would be us."

She closed her eyes firmly. "Can we please leave the subject for tonight?" she begged.

"Okay," he agreed. They had reached an impasse; they wouldn't be able to figure anything out then anyway. "Come here."

Evan didn't object as he guided them back to the position they'd held earlier and she didn't fight his lips when they found hers, even if the kiss ended much earlier than she wanted. Because they had abandoned the thought of going into towns for supplies unless they really, really had to, and because the world had gone to shits, it wasn't like they could just walk into a pharmacy and get some protection. In this world, which in so many ways looked like the world had years and years ago, sex could lead to consequences they wouldn't be able to handle. The thought of having a child with Rick was scary on its own because although she trusted him completely and knew how strongly she felt for him, they hadn't known each other for even a year yet. And on top of that rested the knowledge of what it would mean to bring a child into a world where safety wasn't a right anymore and something rare and almost impossible to obtain. With thoughts still whirling wildly in her mind and with the butterflies in her stomach going livid at the sensation of his skin against hers, she finally fell into a restless sleep.


	28. Twenty-seven

A/N: Might be slowing down on the posting after this chapter, me thinks.

* * *

At first she didn't know why she woke up. Rick was still there, and she could feel his steady breathing underneath her head. But something had woken her up. She lifted her head up slowly and blinked her eyes a few times in the darkness. Something was wrong, she could feel it, her intuition was screaming at her to… to what? And then she realized what it was. She flew up into a sitting position and violently shook Rick until he started groaning.

"Get up!" she called loudly. "I think the fucking house is on fire!"

He didn't hesitate; he joined her, rushing off the bed and out the door within seconds. Her body was still stiff with sleep but she ignored it and when they entered the kitchen she started coughing, heavy black smoke licking its way into her lungs with each breath. The rest of the house seemed to have awoken too, because Evan could hear panicked cries from different directions.

"Go!" she said sharply to Rick, pointing towards the living room. "Go upstairs, I'll get Carol."

His lips pushed against hers so briefly she wasn't sure it had even happened and then they both ran again, coughing, spluttering, staggering. Evan heard the crackling from the fire but couldn't locate it, although the closer she got to Carol's room the more intense it got. In the hallway she threw one last glance towards Rick as he disappeared up the stairs, calling out for those who were up there. Before Evan had a chance to open the door she'd been heading for the front door flew open, revealing a panicked Dylan.

"Walkers!" he shouted, before she had a chance to say anything.

And then panic really set in. Evan threw Carol's door open, before realizing that the fire hadn't started in there but most likely upstairs. Carol had left her bed but been too scared to enter the hallway. Evan's fingers wrapped around the woman's wrist and she pulled her out of there, without saying a word. Daryl was still in the hallway, crossbow aiming out towards the front lawn. When they were at his side Evan's chest nearly exploded. Partly because of the smoke and partly because of the large group of walkers. After another few coughs she folded her shirt up over her mouth, indicating for Carol to do the same. They couldn't get out of there, not in that direction. The door leading towards the back where the cars were could only be accessed through the kitchen. Almost as if they'd read each other's minds all three of them started moving in that direction.

"Evan!" it was Carl, hurrying down the stairs, two at a time. Her hands flew out to catch him when he nearly fell. Dale appeared right behind him.

"Rick's upstairs with Glenn, trying to see if anything can be saved." His words didn't ring true, and the look of his face told another story, but Evan didn't have time to argue.

The heat was getting intense and Evan had coughed so much her throat felt like it must be bleeding. She took Carl's hand in hers and simply called out "walkers" when Dale aimed for the front door.

"Come on!" It was Daryl, and without reflecting over it, over what was happening, over who she was leaving behind, Evan's fight or flight response kicked in. As did her intense need to keep Rick's son safe. In reality she wanted to stay, go upstairs, defy the flames, but she couldn't. Carl needed to be safe.

Together the five of them hurried through the house again, heading for the kitchen. Evan paused only to grab one of the rifles they'd placed in the living room, knowing she might need it. Dale's fingers were already gripping a gun he'd had with him in his room. When they opened the back door smoke bellowed out and they staggered out, squinting to try and see if there were any walkers nearby.

"There!" Carol called, pointing, and Evan released Carl's hand, aimed, and pulled the trigger. The walker fell but more followed. Where the hell did this herd come from?!

Daryl shouted at them to get to the cars, and no one wasted any time. Only a few minutes had passed since Rick and Evan first woke up, but it felt like years had come and gone. Evan's throat hurt and her lungs ached painfully. Her skin was burning in places and her hands were black with soot. But she was alive. And so was Carl. But Rick…

She opened the door to the green truck and shoved Carl inside, telling Carol to get in as well. Then she fired at another walker – who couldn't have been older than a teenager when she got bit – and peered back towards the house. She tried to fire again but the weapon only clicked so she threw it to the ground angrily. Most of the second floor stood in flames and her heart broke. Rick had to be alive. _He had to_. More walkers approached them and Evan knew they'd have to leave, she knew it, but couldn't force herself to. She closed the car door and headed for the house, but before she could walk back inside Daryl had forcefully grabbed her upper arm. When they turned the truck was overrun by walkers, and with Evan unarmed they couldn't take out he ten or so walkers that blocked their way.

"Over there, go!" Daryl called, pushing her towards the side of the property, where on the other side of the fence they had tucked away the truck Juliet and Lawrence had arrived in. Just in case they ever ended up in a situation like the one that had tried to smother them.

The last thing Evan saw when she looked back was Dale getting into the green truck and closing the door after them; Evan felt relieved, she trusted the old man to bring Carol and Carl to safety. The house seemed to be completely ablaze by the time Daryl forcefully helped her climb the fence. Tears stung her eyes and she had no idea how she was still moving, but she couldn't stop. She wasn't allowed to stop. Not now. There was still hope. She _had_ to think that there was still hope. When her bare feet hit the ground on the other side she just kept on running, the vehicle 30 feet in front of her the only thing she could focus on. She heard Daryl behind her, and his fingers wrapped around her arm again when he passed her, pulling her along. Evan was sure her heart was going to give up.

But it didn't. She was still alive when they reached the truck, she was still alive when she climbed into the passenger's seat and she was still alive when Daryl got in next to her. He turned the key in the ignition, awakening the truck with a roar, and without wasting any time they shot forward. The truck swerved sharply to the right as Daryl had to avoid a few stray walkers that had been attracted by the commotion, but they stayed on the small back road. When they reached the main road Evan broke down, crying so violently she couldn't see. She was alive. Daryl was alive. That she knew. And she believed that Dale had managed to get Carl and Carol safe too. But she hadn't seen Rick since he went upstairs, and she hadn't seen Glenn or Lori at all. For all she knew they were all gone and that thought crushed her, causing her sobs to come out in short guttural cries.

* * *

"Where would they go?" Evan asked again. Daryl let out a frustrated sigh. They'd kept on driving for the better part of an hour, but then he stopped when he deemed it safe enough. They hadn't seen a walker for several miles. Sunrise was coming, but it offered no comfort. It was only a short moment ago that Evan's crying had subsided to a point where she was coherent again.

"I don't know. Maybe the farm we last went to?" He didn't sound sure. He didn't sound like he even thought anyone else had made it. But Evan knew they had. Because they just had to have made it.

"Can we go there?" She rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand. Her words were coming out so hoarsely she was impressed Daryl could even understand her. Her throat ached and when she'd coughed earlier blood had splattered into her waiting palm. Not enough to be cause for alarm, though. Or so she hoped.

"Evan," Daryl began, but she shook her head violently. He moved over to her and grabbed her by the arms. "They might all be gone. You have to be ready for that. We might never see them again."

She knew he wasn't trying to hurt her, just prepare her for the reality that seemed more and more likely. But she couldn't have it. "I can't give up, Daryl. I can't give up." She sobbed again. "Please. Please."

He released her. "We'll go there, try to find something useful, and wait for a while. But we will leave at the latest tomorrow morning."

"Okay. Thank you."

Without another word they got back into the truck. It angered Evan that they'd been forced to follow the back road all the way to the main road, and that they had been unable to double back. If they'd had the option of going west once they hit the main road they would have without a doubt ran into any other survivors from the farm, because they would have ended up there too. But they had to go east, because of all the walkers. Daryl had six arrows left and Evan didn't have anything. If the truck had gotten stuck under the amount of walkers they'd have died. Evan knew that but was angry all the same. When they started driving again she wrapped her arms around herself, now weeping silently instead of nearly howling as she had before. They'd left everything behind. They hadn't been able to bring anything. Evan was wearing a tank top, a pair of shorts and underwear. She didn't even have shoes. Or a jacket. They had no food and no water. No additional weapons. They had no plan, no goal, no nothing. For the first time since Evan had first encountered Rick and the others she thought about giving up, simply because there was nothing left.


	29. Twenty-eight

A/N: Here's the next one. See you tomorrow or the day after that!

* * *

When they parked the truck outside the other farmhouse, there was no one there. No other truck. No car. No people. Nothing. Evan's heart sank as she stepped out, and she pressed a hand over her mouth. Although she knew that it had been faint, she'd still been clinging to the hope that she'd find them there. That they'd be safe, all of them. That she'd get to see Dale's friendly smile again and that Rick would press his lips against hers. But the house was silent, abandoned and dark. Wordlessly she sank to her knees, unable to remain upright. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. This couldn't be how it was supposed to go.

"We should get inside," Daryl said slowly, standing next to her. "If any walkers show up… Evan, you're not armed."

She knew he was right, but how? Why? What was the point? His fingers wrapped around the top of her arm and he pulled her up. She followed, but couldn't figure out why. Everything was gone. Everyone was gone. Hope had died with them and Evan's will to fight too. She went inside with Daryl, but it was like she wasn't there anymore. Her body was there but her mind had drifted off, escaped, only so that it wouldn't lose every last piece of its sanity.

"Stay here." Daryl placed her in the hallway corner, just inside the now closed door. "I'll check the house out and gather anything that might be useful. Just stay here, and don't make a sound."

Evan didn't offer an answer and he didn't need one. She watched him disappear quietly. She hadn't been to the large white house before, but she knew they had. The floors were all wooden and it looked a lot like the house she'd seen go up in flames, except this one wasn't so well kept anymore, since no one seemed to have been living there since the very beginning. Evan froze where she was standing, her arms hanging limply by her sides. She felt so numb. So empty. If a walker had burst through the door she wasn't sure she'd even notice until it was too late. Part of her didn't mind; she was dangerously close to giving up. If she'd had a gun she wouldn't have been able to trust herself with it.

Finally Daryl returned, a box in his arms with random items hiding within. He moved past Evan, passing the stairs, and into the room next to it. Then he returned, stopping in front of her trembling form.

"I found some things, supplies, weapons, and we missed a few cans of vegetables when we were here." He paused, rubbing the back of his neck. "There's no running water but I'll check the grounds later to see if there's a well. And I've dragged a mattress into the kitchen. We'll stay in there tonight. We can see the road from there."

Evan nodded and he sighed.

"I know-" he started, but Evan's head shot up and she cut him off.

"What do you know, Daryl? Huh? What is it that you know?" She raised her arms and pushed him back. "Everything is gone, don't you get that? They're dead, okay, I admit it. They're dead. We're alone. And we've lost everything. Everything." Her voice faded out, giving way for silent tears.

"No we haven't!" he shouted back; it was his turn to push her, and her back hit the wall with a soft thump. "You're still here and I'm still here! We've got us, and I'm trying. I'm fucking trying!" His hands hovered in mid-air, in between his face and hers. "I'm really trying."

"I thought you detested all of us anyway, you can leave. I don't care anymore." She was being unfair and she knew it, but there were too many emotions going wild inside of her and they hurt more than the smoke had; she needed to let it out. Unfortunately Daryl was the only one there for her to blame.

"Fine. Maybe I'll go, you can fend for yourself." Angrily he stormed into the kitchen again and Evan jumped when she heard cabinets slam shut and cans violently being banged into the counter.

She bit her lower lip and looked down on her hands. Her eyes focused on the soot she'd gotten on her skin, but only for a moment. It still sounded as if Daryl had declared war on the entire kitchen and everything in it. Evan moved away from the front door and Daryl stopped moving when he saw her in the doorway. He turned away from her, leaning his hands against the sink, eyes peering out the window above. Silently Evan approached him, and surprised them both when she wrapped her arms around his body from behind, pressing her face into his shoulder blade.

"Please don't hate me, Daryl," she whispered into the fabric of his shirt. "Please don't hate me."

He had tensed up when she first embraced him, but then he relaxed. "I don't hate you. I'm not going to leave you. Sorry I said that."

"It's okay."

Then the moment was over, just as suddenly as it had started. Evan let go of her friend, and two seconds later he piped up again, telling her what he'd found, what she could do to help, and what his plans were.

"I'll keep watch tonight," he said. "I'll be in the front. If any of them show up, then I'll see them and wake you up. I promise."

He was trying to keep up appearances, but Evan knew as well as he did that no one was coming. They really were alone. Evan still wasn't sure if she wanted to keep fighting, but decided that she couldn't leave Daryl. She had no doubt that he could take care of himself, but she also knew that he cared about her and wanted her with him, even if he had never admitted it out loud. Now it was just them, and they had to do everything they could to keep each other safe. They weren't alone yet.

When the day started to draw to a close they had organized and gathered what little they could find in the house. In the barn Daryl had found a rifle and a box of ammo and in one of the outhouses Evan had found a sickle which was still sharp enough to be used as a weapon. They'd also ransacked the kitchen and found two large enough knifes to be of service. Other than that they'd found six cans of vegetables and two with ham. Luckily Daryl had located a well on the property and together they'd found several bottles and empty jars to fill up with water to bring with them. In one of the wardrobes upstairs Evan had collected a few items of clothing as well as a pair of boots. They were too big for her feet, but they were better than nothing. She had then thrown on a pair of jeans and a sweater with embroidered cats on it that made Daryl explode with laughter at the sight of her. She'd joined in, only because she did look absolutely ridiculous. Unfortunately they weren't in a position to be picky, however, and she'd only found one other pair of pants plus a t-shirt that she'd be able to wear at all.

Even though Evan tried to refrain from doing so, her eyes kept straying to the windows facing the front while they worked. She couldn't let go of her foolish hope. She had to cling to it. After realizing that she couldn't leave Daryl just as little as he could leave her, she also recognized she needed something bigger to be able to go on. Hope. She needed to hope that she'd see some of her friends again. Daryl had already placed a few of the boxes in the car, together with blankets, pillows and most of the food. He meant it when he said they had to leave at first light, Evan knew he did, and yet she wished he didn't. She wished they could stay longer. Wait for the others. As if they were coming.

"Do you reckon we should head south?" Daryl asked suddenly, ripping Evan from her thoughts. Her eyes turned away from the window and met his instead. They were going through some old boxes Daryl had found in the barn and some Evan had found in the attic, with the hopes of finding something – anything – that they could salvage.

"I don't know." They were already relatively close to leaving Georgia behind and entering Florida. If they reached Florida there would be no more south to go.

"We have to have some sort of plan," he decided. "There's only half a tank of gas, we can't run around in circles."

"Where did the fire start?" she asked suddenly, changing the subject. "Did you see?"

He looked at her with his eyebrows furrowed. "No, upstairs, I think."

She remained silent for a moment, moving old picture albums out of the way to look underneath them. "I thought it started in Carol's room at first. Then upstairs. But maybe it didn't."

"Evan, we all used candles. All the time. Especially at night. One probably tipped over." He stopped what he was doing and looked at her.

"I know but it doesn't make sense. We'd been living there for months and it never happened before that night."

"It just took the one time," he argued.

Evan nodded, but wasn't convinced. "What if it started outside? I mean, if it started by the wall, next to Carol's bedroom, then surely it would be easy to mistake it from starting in there first and then upstairs, once the fire spread?"

"I guess." His hands started working again, placing a small bottle of pills in the pile to be examined closer later. "What does it matter?"

"If that fire started outside, Daryl, it would have to mean that someone else started it." She knew she sounded paranoid, although in their world it wasn't really possible to be paranoid. At least there was a very fine line between paranoia and carefulness.

"Who would start it?" he questioned. "Even if there'd been others who wanted the farm for themselves, it'd be fucking stupid to set fire to it in order to get us out."

"What about the walkers?" Evan asked instead of answering his question. "We had barely seen any walkers at all. For weeks. And then suddenly the house burns down and hundreds of walkers ambush us at the same time?"

He had to acknowledge that it sounded very unlikely. He sighed. "Again though, who would start it?"

"I don't know," Evan admitted. "Maybe someone who thought they could keep the fire under control?"

"And the walkers? Did they also release them as if they were pit bulls?" Evan hated the mocking tone in his words, but they still rang true.

"They could have led them there. Right? Driving slow enough to take them with, and then just wait for them to notice us and we'd be instant food." Evan rubbed her tired face with sore hands. "I don't have all the answers, Daryl, but _something_ about last night doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense that it was all a big coincidence."

"You're probably right, but what good does it do us even if we'd know that someone caused those things to happen?"

"I don't know," she confessed. "Maybe it doesn't matter at all."

Silence snuck into the kitchen, ambushing them slowly, the only sounds left being the shuffling from the boxes. They continued to work without another word and an hour later, when the sun was kissing the horizon, they had finished. They had found expired aspirin, some matches and candles, two flashlights and a spare set of batteries, half a box of band aids and a pocket knife. It wasn't much, but at least it was something. Sighing Evan announced that she'd carry it to the truck and Daryl handed her the loaded rifle.

"Only if absolutely necessary," he reminded her and she nodded. Earlier it had been decided that she would come get him when possible, if a walker showed up. Partly to save ammo but also to make sure they didn't attract more of them. If they were ambushed again they would have no chance in hell to make it out alive.

Evan opened the front door carefully, peering out. She saw nothing except for what belonged; the barn, the outhouse, the truck, a few trees. When she was sure no walkers were lurking she pushed the door open fully and walked out. Her feet slipped back and forth a little in the big boots but she managed to get to the vehicle in one piece. She held the box in her hands, containing what they'd just found as well as a few rolls of paper from the bathroom (Daryl had raised an eyebrow when she saw her carrying them, but she asked him if he'd rather wipe his ass on leaves or if he'd prefer to stuff a branch up his nose in case he got a nosebleed and then he closed his mouth without saying anything). With a sigh she placed the box on the hood of the truck to free her hands. The humming of a motor reached her the same second she felt the cold metal of the door handle against her skin. She turned around quickly and peered down the road, but the stupid barn was obstructing her eye line.

She sank down though, quickly, and rushed back towards the house. She silently cursed herself for leaving the box so recklessly where it was in the open but there was no time to spill. The second she was inside she closed the door behind her.

"Daryl, I heard a motor!"

When he joined her to look out the window next to the door the same hope sparked in both of them, even though they remained silent.


	30. Twenty-nine

A/N: One more chapter, then there'll be another gap. I think you'll live.

* * *

The time that passed until they could see the vehicle felt like it would never end. Evan held a breath in her lungs, feeling them start to ache but ignoring it. Her hand had, without her even realizing it at first, reached up to hold on to Daryl's upper arm. She wished and hoped for a lot of things, but didn't want to let herself expect the best. Then it finally came around the bend and the barn, and Evan's chest almost exploded. She let Daryl out of her grip and ripped the door open so suddenly she almost slammed herself in the face with it. Before her thoughts had caught up with her drumming heart she'd leaped out, down the steps, into the grass, past their own car, and when the green truck came to a halt she was already there.

Carl reached her first, his slim arms wrapping tightly around her waist and then Carol joined into the embrace and mere seconds later Dale was there too. In unison they started thanking whatever higher power was out there as they clung to each other desperately, as if they'd lose each other again if they dared let go. Relief washed over her body as she saw that they were safe but it didn't take long for it to be replaced with grief. Carol was the first to let go, and from the corner of her eye Evan realized it was to greet Daryl with the same warm hug – the redneck tried to shake her off but she wouldn't have it.

"Where's…?" Evan didn't have to continue the sentence. Carl and Dale both knew who she wanted to ask about. Who she'd really wanted to see.

"I don't know," Dale admitted. He placed a hand on Carl's head. "Why don't you go with Carol for a moment?"

Carl didn't argue, probably because he didn't want to know the details, or because he already knew them but couldn't take having them repeated. Whatever the reason was, the notion that Dale had to send the boy away caused Evan's heart to sink again and her eyes clouded over with unshed tears.

"When I saw them last, when Rick shouted at me to take Carl and go, he and Glenn were helping Lori." He paused, placing a comforting hand on Evan's shoulder. "She must have fallen, or something, and they were hoisting her up and then… then I ran. I had to take Carl to safety."

"It's alright," Evan choked out, placing her hand on his. "It's not your fault. You did the right thing."

For a moment she thought she would break down again but she bit it back, forcing herself to remain strong. She had promised not to leave Daryl, and now that promise included three more people. Especially Rick's son, who was at the time without both his parents. Evan couldn't give up now, if Rick was alive somewhere, or even if he was gone, she knew she had to do this. Try and keep the boy safe. Otherwise she'd never forgive herself.

"We're going to leave tomorrow morning," Evan said then, louder, so Carl and Carol could hear her as well. "We've gathered as much supplies as we've been able to find, and we're still trying to figure out exactly where to head. But we can't stay here."

The sympathetic look in Dale's eyes made her happy and angry at the same time. "There are a few things in our truck, but not much."

Evan nodded. "We'll make do with what we have for now and try to find more supplies later."

"Aren't we going to go back?" Carl questioned, his face darkening slightly. "We have to go back. Right?"

There was a moment of silence because no one wanted to speak. Every cell in Evan's body screamed that they agreed. That they had to go back and see if they could find Rick and the others. Her heart was wailing too, but she had to push it all down. She had to.

"I think someone set fire to the house," she said instead of directly answering his question. "I think someone led the walkers there too. And if that's true, then we have to get as far away from there as possible. We have to, Carl."

"Wait, why would someone set fire to the house?" It was a legitimate question and Evan looked at Carol, thinking hard.

"There's so much about it that doesn't make sense," she finally concluded. "It doesn't seem likely that everything would just go to hell on that level at the same time. And if I'm right then it would be suicide to go back."

"So we're going to leave my parents behind without knowing if they're really dead?" the boy asked in disbelief. But before anyone had a chance of answering he ripped his arm away from Carol's grasp and stormed towards the green truck again, climbing inside and slamming the door shut.

Evan wanted to talk to him but knew that it wouldn't matter. Nothing she could say would justify to Carl why they were leaving his parents behind. And when Evan herself felt like a monster for considering just taking off she didn't think she'd be able to tell someone else differently.

"We were in the process of filling up the truck." It was Daryl who broke the silence. "But if you handle that I'll take a look around the yard again, to see if there's anything else. We didn't explore the loft in the barn."

He moved past them and Dale had to tug gently on Evan's arm to break her out of the mental prison she'd ended up in. She smiled weakly and rubbed her face with her hands.

"Dale, will you stay here and keep an eye on Carl?" she asked her friend. "I'll go inside with Carol and show her what we've found and then we can carry everything out but some food to last us through the night."

"Of course," he assured her gently. He treated her as if she was made out of glass, and Evan was sure it was because of the worn expression on her face and the way her voice couldn't stay even when she spoke.

In the kitchen she showed Carol what they had been able to salvage and handed her a box to take outside, also asking her to take the one from the hood of the truck and tuck it away as well.

"Once we're done and Daryl comes back we'll talk about our next step," she mumbled, eyes unable to meet Carol's.

"Sure, of course."

When she was alone again Evan found herself praying that they wouldn't look to her for guidance and leadership. She wasn't someone who could walk in front and have others follow and she didn't know how to make decisions that might hurt a few but save many. She was used to things being much more linear than that. To Evan there were good decisions and bad decisions. There was a right way and a wrong way. That was how her mind had always worked and how it would always work. When someone else led the way she trusted them, and knew that even though she might not always understand their reasoning they would most likely end up being right. If Evan had to lead they would all die, she knew as much. But then she told herself that she was being stupid, that they'd look to Daryl now. Daryl knew how to handle both a crossbow and a gun. He knew how to take out walkers swiftly and silently. He knew what he had to do to survive.

_But he doesn't know how to look out for others_, a cruel voice whispered to Evan. It was true. Daryl wasn't selfish, not at all. But his sense of self-preservation weighed heavier than his ability to always have one eye on everyone in order to make sure they were safe at all times. And Carol… it was unfair for anyone to except leadership from Carol. She'd lost her husband and her daughter but was still hanging on, that was strength on a completely new level, but she would crumble if she had to take the lives of the others in her hands. Evan's mind shifted towards Dale, and she thought that he could lead. He knew how to, and he was their moral compass in many ways. He would be able to distinguish right from wrong. Evan hoped with all of her soul that he would step up so she wouldn't have to. She wasn't strong enough. Or smart enough. She couldn't have their lives resting on her shoulders that would break her completely.

She had just managed to push those thoughts away when the others, even Carl, entered the kitchen. When Evan threw a glance towards the window she realized how dark it had gotten out there. She hadn't realized she's been so engrossed in her thoughts that she'd been standing by the table, completely still and silent, for a long enough period of time to allow night to fall.

"I'll show you what we'll eat tonight," Daryl said, breaking the heavy silence with his voice. Carol nodded and they moved past Evan, towards the cans on the counter. "We've put everything else in the car, so it isn't much, but it'll have to do for now. There's not much left."

"Carl, why don't you take a seat over there," Dale asked the boy, pointing towards a chair opposite to where Evan was hovering. He didn't respond but did as told. His eyes avoided Evan's and it broke her heart. He was her only link to Rick, and he was the strongest reason she had to keep fighting. She couldn't handle him hating her.

A couple of minutes later they had all taken place around the small table, a few candles throwing dancing lights around the rooms and lighting up their faces slightly. They all knew what the topic of conversation had to be, but no one seemed willing to start. They ate in silence, slowly, making the scarce amount of food last for as long as possible. Evan wanted Dale to pipe up, because to her it felt like whoever shouldered that role would also, inadvertently, shoulder the role as their new leader. In the end, it was Daryl who spoke first.

"We don't have that much gas," he said, "but we have enough for a day or two. Our choices are to either head back to the farm and see if anyone's still there, or head somewhere completely new."

"We can't leave without going back," Carl instantly said sharply. His eyes darted darkly towards Evan's features and she felt herself shrink under the obvious distaste.

"No one wants to leave without going back," Carol assured him. "But we have to think about what's the safest and best option."

Evan realized that maybe she was wrong, maybe they didn't need anyone to be a leader, and maybe they could all take on equal parts of responsibility, save Carl. The determination on all of their faces seemed to speak for that theory.

"We could go back, park the cars some distance away from the house and then one or two of us could just walk back to the house and see if there's any sign of anyone," Dale suggested.

"I want nothing more to go back," Evan said then, raising her voice slightly. "You should all know that I would gladly go back and give my life to safely get Rick – and the others – back. But even _if_ they made it, they wouldn't still be there. They couldn't still be there. The house is gone. And it was overrun by walkers. It'd be suicide for them to hang around."

"When Sophia was gone we all looked for her, every day!" Carl spat then. "We didn't give up until we found out what had happened to her for sure. We can't give up on my parents and Glenn either!"

The truth in his words caused silence to swallow them. Going back was stupid and reckless, but leaving them behind without even trying wasn't right either. Evan shook her head and thought of Rick's face. His hands. The way his eyes would squint slightly as he laughed. His touch. She hadn't even gotten to tell him how she felt, how much she felt, how badly she wanted to be with him. With his laughter ringing in her ears she made her decision.

"We'll go back," she said firmly. "Unless anyone thinks we shouldn't?"

No one objected. No one said anything at all. Evan sighed heavily.

"We'll still leave at first light, and Daryl and I will be the only ones to approach the house. We don't have enough weapons for all of us to go." She bit her lip and Carl's eyes had softened, now looking at her with appreciation and gratitude. Evan didn't know what was waiting for them, if going back was a mistake, but she had to try. She had to try and find Rick, if only so that she could find closure. Although part of her feared what they could find more than remaining in the dark.


	31. Thirty

A/N: Sorry for the wait guys. Life is not fun right about now, and honestly I'm pretty damn crushed. It'd mean a lot to me if you took a moment to let me know what you think of the story. Cheers.

* * *

As soon as daylight stretched its arms around them they all piled into the two trucks they still had. Evan and Daryl took the black truck they'd escaped from the farm in and the others got into the green one. Evan had originally wanted to have Carl with her, to make complete sure that he was safe, but she needed to talk to Daryl about grim subjects. She needed to discuss what they would do if they didn't find the others. Or what they would do if they were found, but were no longer themselves. She also knew that they had to decide for how long they would search and when they would accept whatever they found out in order to move on. And where they would head next. Evan tiredly rubbed her eyes as Daryl started the truck up and took the lead in leaving the house behind. She had no idea how to make sense of her thoughts or how she'd be able to stay strong if indeed they did find what they dreaded back at their farm. Evan tried to make peace with the fact that they might all be dead – or worse – but she couldn't. Whenever Rick's face came into his mind, skin rotting, teeth searching for flesh to bite into, she felt sick and just wanted to lie down and cry. Give up.

"Are we going to talk about what to do if we can't find them?" Daryl said. He'd picked the words right out of Evan's mind and she was grateful for the fact that she didn't have to be the one to bring it up. She glanced out at the passing scenery and sighed.

"I don't know," she admitted. It seemed like those were the standard words from the group now, like it had become their motto. "We shouldn't wait longer than until morning to leave again. At the very latest."

"Agreed. But we need to have somewhere to head, even then."

"I know. North?" she asked, glancing over to her companion. In the rearview mirror she could see the green truck and it calmed her to know the group was still intact. "Maybe Alabama somewhere?"

He considered her words. "Alabama could be an idea. Might be a farm out there somewhere too. Where we can settle down again."

Although neither of them said it out loud, they both agreed that they had to find somewhere to hold up once winter came. It was already mid-September and the days had gotten chillier and the nights even more so. If any snow fell they had to have somewhere safe and warm to hide. Even something as common as a cold or the flu could be lethal out there.

"So we've concluded that we'll leave at the very latest tomorrow at dawn and head for Alabama?" Evan said, feeling her heart sink down even more. Daryl nodded, eyes focused on the empty road. "What if they're dead?" she whispered then.

She could see that he wanted to reply, it was written all over his face, but words seemed to fail him. Evan couldn't hold it against him – what could he possibly say? She didn't doubt that he respected both Rick and Glenn and held nothing against Lori, but he wasn't attached to them. Not like Carl was. Not like Evan was either. Or even Dale or Carol.

"Will you promise me something," she started; voice trembling and eyes rapidly blinking away glimmering tears. "If Carl's parents have turned into walkers," – she cut herself off, taking a deep breath. She couldn't even force herself to say Rick's name out loud. "If they have become walkers, we can't tell Carl. Okay?"

He glanced away from the road to study her serious face. "Okay."

"He will grieve enough as it is, if they're not safe. We don't need to put that on him too. He doesn't need to know." For a moment even Evan thought she was done, but she realized there was something else she had to say. Something else he had to promise her. "If Rick is dead you have to force me to keep going," she said sharply. Her voice was still uneven, but she begged it to convey how serious she was. "You can't let me give up, and I will want to give up."

"I promise."

* * *

The rest of the ride was silent because neither of them could find anything to say. They'd said everything they needed on the grim subjects at hand and it wasn't the time to try and talk of something else. Although they'd done a good job at the farm to keep their spirits up by focusing on games, jokes and everything but what was going on around them, it wasn't the time. Not when three of their own were missing. Not when Carl was so worried Evan had seen him awake by the window every time she looked over there in the night. And not when Evan's heart ached from the thought of never seeing Rick's face again. Or hearing his voice.

Just like they'd agreed they all met up two miles from the farm, parking their cars up an old dirt road which didn't look like it had been used for years. There the others would remain with most of their weapons, still in their truck, while Evan and Daryl hiked back to the farm.

"Now remember," Evan said again, hand on Carol's cheek. "If we're not back by dawn, you leave without us. Go north. Towards Alabama." Tears burned the back of her eyes as she spoke, but she bit them back.

"Please be safe," Carol replied, brushing some hair out of Evan's face. "And make sure you come back."

"We'll do our best." She smiled towards Dale and Carl, unable to say anything else. She refused to say goodbye. Simply refused to. Then she might crash and that wasn't possible. Not right then.

After one final look at her friends she grabbed the rifle and ammo, and turned towards Daryl, nodding. He had the crossbow and his arrows – as well as a knife – but they'd left everything else with the others. If they didn't make it back they needed to have enough supplies to try and keep going without them. The thoughts caused Evan to stumble, and Daryl's hand shot out to steady her.

"Thanks," she mumbled. Without turning around or hesitating they headed for the trees, wanting to approach the farm from behind.

While they walked Evan slipped more than once in her too big boots, and every time she let out a curse, but they kept on going. Daryl was in front of her, crossbow armed and ready, his eyes darting around them continuously. Evan too tried to keep watch, but wasn't able to be of much use. Her mind was too busy picturing dead faces in front of her eyes. Their friends' dead faces. Pain was echoing through her and so were the last words she and Rick had uttered to each other. Words of panic. Words of hurry. Not words of love or appreciation. The last time his lips had touched hers it had been brief, and filled with worry and fear. Not lust. Not fondness.

Daryl raised his hand suddenly and she froze. They couldn't be more than half a mile away from their destination. He pointed slightly to their left and she immediately saw the walker. He aimed his crossbow, holding his breath, and then fired. The arrow shot through the air, cutting it in half, and pierced the skull of the walker without trouble. Together they headed off course to retrieve the arrow. They couldn't waste them, not when they had so few left. The forest around them was eerie and it gave Evan shills. To her it felt as if it knew, somehow, what they were doing and where they were heading. It was completely silent and there was no wind to speak of either. The air was still heavy with the smell of smoke, since the house had obviously been allowed to burn until there was nothing left of it at all. But there wasn't a sound and no movements. It was as if the forest was holding its breath in anticipation for what Evan and Daryl would find.

When the house first came into view Evan stumbled and fell, having been too busy to stare at the burned down ruins to watch where she was going. Daryl quickly pulled her up and pressed his lips to her ear, telling her to be silent. Evan instantly saw why; walkers. Not too many of them, from their position she estimated maybe five or six at the most. They could take them. Easily.

"Are we going to do this?" Daryl asked silently.

"We've come this far," Evan reasoned. Her voice sounded strong and confident, but on the inside she was screaming. Crying. Shaking. Crumbling. "Do you think the rest of the walkers are gone?"

"I can't see them," he replied. "But we can't see beyond the house or the barn. They might still be close." He took a deep breath. "If we're going to do this it has to be quiet and quick. Okay?"

Evan nodded. She regretted having brought the rifle, since that would definitely not be silent. As if he'd read her mind Daryl handed her the knife she'd brought.

"I'll use the crossbow, and try to take them out before we climb the fence." His voice was low, and he indicated for her to crouch down. She didn't need to be told twice.

Her heart was racing and she started sweating, her clothes sticking to her body uncomfortably. Although she followed Daryl without hesitation she silently wished she could be somewhere else. Anywhere else. Not only were they really badly armed, with the rifle Evan held clutched in her left hand being useless to them, but she also couldn't trust herself to stay sharp, depending on what they found. She'd made Daryl promise that he wouldn't let her give up, that she had to keep going for the rest of them, regardless of what might happen. But she didn't know if there would be anything he could do save for picking her up and simply carrying her all the way back to the trucks. With her heart hammering loudly, Daryl raised the crossbow when they were looking through the boards of the wooden fence. He aimed and took out one walker without any hassle. Once that one – a woman – fell however, the others spotted them and didn't hesitate to change their course.

"Hurry," Evan whispered nervously as Daryl placed another arrow in the crossbow, making it deadly again.

"Don't rush me," he replied. They were closing in, now only 200 feet away. He fired again, taking down a man, the arrow piercing his one good eyeball before going straight into the brain.

The remaining two walkers were 150 feet away by the time he'd reloaded the weapon and he spilled no time to kill another. He was down to two arrows and gave Evan a death glare when she told him not to miss. The arrow got stuck, and he cursed, struggling with it. Evan's breath got caught in her throat and she moved back a few steps. If the walker got to them the fence would still be in the way and it wouldn't be able to reach them. But she didn't like the thought of that anyway and she wasn't going to be standing recklessly close to it if that happened. She quickly glanced around to make sure there was no sign of the rest of the walkers and was at least somewhat relieved to find that the place was still deserted. At least what of it she could see. It wasn't until the walker was barely 20 feet away that Daryl finally raised the crossbow a final time and pulled the trigger. The body of what had once been a man fell heavily into the grass and the familiar stench of death crashed against Evan, mixing with the strong smell of smoke that had grown more and more intense the closer to the burnt down remains they got.

"Okay, I'll get the arrows, you check the perimeter," Daryl said, hoisting himself up over the fence. "Keep your eyes peeled," he added when she too made her way into the yard.

With each step she took, knife in a tight grip, Evan thought it felt like time moved slower and slower. The remains of the house rested right in front of her, smoke still rising from the remains. The fire had gone wild, swallowing everything it could. Evan realized it must have been ablaze all night, and probably hadn't burnt out until only a few hours ago. Knowing that she wasn't sure if it was safe to try and search the remains for… for bodies. Skeletons. Grief struck her like lightning once the thought had been planted, and the knife slipped. Happy that she'd let the rifle wait in the grass next to the fence, she adjusted her fingers and held the weapon tighter. Her fingers started to ache as she coughed in the acid air that surrounded her. As quietly as possible she went to peak around the corner, in case there were more walkers that had to be dealt with. When everything seemed clear she looked back, catching Daryl's eye. He'd just finished freeing the last arrow from its gory target and she nodded to let him know it was safe.

She turned back and took a step into the front yard and froze. The knife fell out of her grip limply into the grass. Her heart sunk into the pit of her stomach, shattering into a million pieces. She had prayed to not be forced to see that, she'd prayed she'd be spared at least that grief. Like so many others those prayers had gone unheard too.

"Oh no," she moaned, staggering. The walker looked up, dead eyes focusing on her. "No, no, no."

Her knees hit the ground and the moaning of the walker reached her at the same time as the smell did. She knew, somewhere deep inside, that she had to pick the knife up. She had to defend herself. She had to kill it. Because it was an it now. It wasn't anything else. An it. Dead. The person it had been was gone.

She didn't pick the knife up. She couldn't. She was too stunned. The air had been knocked out of her as effectively as if she'd been kicked hard in the chest. She couldn't breathe. Or think. The walker wasn't more than 15 feet away, and it started moving towards her as fast as it could. One leg was visibly broken, forcing it to stumble forward instead of rushing. The mouth snapped violently, a gaping hole in the previously smooth cheek and nose almost completely gone. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fucking _fair_. When it was ten feet away Evan took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Maybe it would be best if everything just ended now. Right there. She'd failed them all anyway. She'd failed herself. She'd failed Carol when she let Sophia die. She'd failed Carl now that… She let out a choked sob and opened her eyes, staring straight into the dead gaze.

_Snap._

The arrow went straight in through the hole in the cheek, and the walker fell instantly to the ground with a soft thud. Evan moaned out in agony, leaning forward. She hit her hands against the ground, ignoring the shooting pain that soared through her entire body. When her crying started it wasn't soft like before, it was loud. It was angry. It was screaming. It was wailing. She smashed her fists against the ground, again and again, letting out every last bit of frustration.

"It's not fair!" she cried, "It's not fucking fair!"

She was sharply hauled up from the ground, and Daryl had his hands fisted in the front of her shirt, holding her so that her feet barely touched the ground. The crossbow now hung over his shoulder, as it usually did.

"I'm not going to let you do this!" he shouted, shaking her. "I promised I wouldn't let you do this!"

"I take it back!" she wailed. "I take all of it back; let me go, please, I can't anymore!"

He shook her again, violently. "No! You're coming with me." He dropped her so suddenly she fell on her ass. Then he picked the knife up, tucking it into his belt. "Shut up before you attract more walkers and get us killed."

He wrapped his fingers around her upper arm, pulling her up again, barking at her to fucking move. To not dare fall over. To not dare give up. To just fucking move. In a blurry haze Evan found herself being dragged across the yard, around the corner, towards the fence. When they reached it he pushed her against it harshly.

"Climb!" he snapped, and she did as told, hands shaking and sobs still ripping through her body like wildfire.

When she landed he'd already picked up the discarded rifle and he didn't waste any time with taking hold of her again. He meant it when he said he refused to let her give up. He refused to let her get them killed, too.

"Think about Carl," he sneered, hauling her along. "Think about Dale. Think about Carol. And fucking think about me!"

He stopped then and shook her again, one hand on each shoulder.

"Fucking think about me!"

"I can't," she moaned. "I can't anymore. This wasn't supposed to happen. It wasn't allowed to. Please… please, Daryl, please." She was begging for something, even though she wasn't sure of what. For him to let her stay behind? For him to take her with? For him to take her pain away? Either way she was begging for something he couldn't give.

"It did happen, and I made you a promise."

Then the conversation was over, and he continued walking, releasing her only with one hand but definitely not the other. She was going to come with him even if he had to drag her all the way back to the trucks. Hell, she was going to come with him even if he had to pick her up, throw her over his shoulder, and carry her all the way back. She knew he wouldn't hesitate to do whatever he had to in order for her to safely get back to the others. On some level she was grateful, but she couldn't acknowledge it then. Right then she was only angry. Furious. Hating him for doing that to her, for pulling her along even though she didn't want to go. For forcing her to keep on fighting when she wanted to give up.

She didn't know how to keep going anymore. Not now. Not after that.


	32. Thirty-one

A/N: Sorry for the delay. My nine month relationship ended and my entire future has been completely changed and there's basically been too much in my head lately to even think about updating this story. Hopefully I'll be back on track soon though. And on that note, the story is now only missing an epilogue and then it's complete. On my computer, that is. You've still got some twenty chapters to go. As always, please leave a review.

* * *

When they were just out of sight from the trucks, Daryl turned towards her and took her face in his rough hands. Her crying had subsided and given place for numbness after 20 minutes of being dragged and she felt so hollow and tired of everything that she couldn't even cry anymore. What was the point anyway – tears didn't make anything better. They didn't bring people back to life. They didn't change the world into what it should be.

"You have to be strong," Daryl said slowly. More gently now than earlier. "For the little boy back there. This is going to hit him a million times harder than it hit you. Do you understand?"

Her eyes flickered to his. She couldn't hear him properly, and what she heard she couldn't process. That infamous ringing was back and it took all her focus away from him. When she didn't reply or even act like she'd heard him, he sighed deeply.

"I'll talk to him, I'll tell him. You keep silent and stay away. Just sit down again and don't do anything. Okay?" She didn't respond. Evan saw the arrow penetrate the skull over and over in her mind. Killing the walker that had once been a member of their group. "I'm not going to tell him the truth, like you made me promise. Nothing about the walker."

Daryl's eyes looked so compassionate and full of pain that reality called Evan back, slowly. Partly. "Nothing about the walker," she mumbled back hoarsely. "Like you promised."

He smiled then. It was weak and held no joy, but it was a smile nonetheless. "Like I promised."

When his hands left her cheeks she followed him without having to be forced. She knew what he was saying made sense. She knew that she had to snap out of it. She knew that giving up wasn't an option. She knew that the young boy was going to crash so much harder than she had. If she'd felt like breaking apart it would be nothing compared to what Carl would feel. Too soon the truck came into their line of vision and Evan felt sick. Car doors opened as soon as they had been spotted. Expectant faces. Dale and Carol, holding their breaths. Carl. Carl's eyes filled with dread and questions Evan didn't want to answer. She stopped then, and turned around. She couldn't do it, Daryl would have to.

"Did you find them?" Carl asked, voice both eager and fearful. "Did you see anything?"

Evan only glanced towards them once, and saw Daryl on one knee in front of the boy, hand on his shoulder. That he was able to show so much consideration warmed her, but that feeling was short-lived. The expression on Carl's face said everything. Everything. Carol's hand shot up to cover her mouth as she turned away and Dale looked down onto the ground, anguish painting his features too.

"How did it happen?" Carl's voice was thick with unshed tears and it trembled terribly, but he was staying strong. He wasn't breaking down like Evan had. She admired him for that, but it hurt her too. No eleven-year-old should _have_ to be strong when their parent died.

Evan shut down then, moving past them all quickly, jumping into the black truck and slamming the door behind her. She couldn't hear the lies that she knew Daryl would tell. The ones that he would tell only because she'd made him promise. Truth was that Evan didn't know if she'd made the right decision; maybe Carl deserved to know the full story. Maybe it would hurt less if he did. But Evan didn't think that was true.

She closed her eyes, and saw the scene in front of her again, vividly. The knife, falling from her grip. Her knees making impact with the ground. Lori's gaze dead and wild. The arrow piercing her skull, killing her for a second time. Evan opened her eyes and bit her nails, something she hadn't done since she was a teenager. How were they supposed to keep going now? They hadn't even looked for the others, but Evan knew. She could feel it. They weren't still there. At least not alive. If they had been then Lori wouldn't still have been stumbling around. Rick – and Glenn too – wouldn't have allowed her to be like that. So they couldn't be there anymore, and the chances that they were still alive… Evan knew she should accept that they were gone for good, but how? If, and the word felt so very fucking meek, if they were alive, then where were they? Where should they look? The van had still been parked in the yard, so they hadn't driven away. Nothing in that farmhouse was still intact; they couldn't have brought any supplies from there.

With anguish Evan had to accept that fact that even _if_ Rick and Glenn were still alive out there somewhere, they would most likely never find them. Unless they stayed close, found somewhere around there to hide, to hope that they'd just come waltzing into their front yard, shouting "here we are, we're fine". But there was nowhere close. They'd raided all the farms nearby, and the small town that they'd been to a few times had gotten more and more overrun by walkers every single time. They didn't have enough supplies in store to hold up somewhere for longer than maybe a week. And they didn't have enough weapons to send someone out on their own to venture far to gather any. Their only option was to leave. All of them. Evan almost prayed that Rick and Glenn were dead too, because then at least they wouldn't have abandoned them out there to die.

* * *

Carl was the one who sought Evan out, and climbed into the driver's seat next to her. She studied him carefully, wiping away the last tears from her own eyes. He sat there without a word for a long time, and she didn't know what to say either.

"Dad wouldn't want you to give up," he said finally. Evan could feel her throat close up. She wanted to reply, but she couldn't find the ability to form words. "And mom wouldn't either," he finally added.

"Carl, I'm so sorry about your mom," Evan finally choked out.

"I know." He paused, looking at her with tears building in his eyes. "Are we going to leave tomorrow morning, like we'd decided?"

She knew the unspoken question within his words. She shook her head slightly, placing her hands over her heart, trying to force the words out. "I don't know. Carl, I don't."

"Can't we stay close and not go to Alabama?" he asked. "Then maybe, if dad's still alive, he could find us."

"I've been thinking that too. But we don't have much left. Someone would have to leave, alone and barely armed, to find more supplies. And winter's coming. It's dangerous. Carl, we have to keep us all alive." She reached across the seats and took his hand in hers. "Carl, do you understand that I have to keep you alive at any cost?"

"Yeah. Because of my dad."

"Because of your dad," she confirmed. Maybe it was horrible of her to admit it, but that was one thing she couldn't lie about. "If he is alive and found us, and I didn't take care of you…"

"I know." Tears slowly started making their way down his cheeks.

"I really wanted to find him alive. I really did. I'd give- I'd- I'd do anything to have him alive," she stuttered out.

"I know," he repeated, reassuringly. In spite of his young age it seemed he understood how important it was for Evan that he knew. That he understood. That he believed her. "Could we at least talk to the others about staying for a while?"

She nodded. "Yeah. We'll talk about it," she promised and she meant it. And deep inside she prayed that they would find a way for them to stay.

Before long the door on her side opened and Dale leaned in, his features soft and sympathetic. He placed his hand on Evan's shoulder again – something everyone seemed keen on doing – and let out a deep sigh.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "We're getting ready to decide what to do tomorrow." He threw a glance towards Carl who just nodded.

"We'll be right there," Evan promised and Dale stepped away. Once he was out of earshot Evan glanced back at the boy. "Are you okay?"

"Sort of. Or, I guess not really. At all."

"I know what you mean."

Together they climbed out of the car to greet the chilling day outside. The clouds above looked dark and the air felt heavy; Evan dreaded that the weather would turn, and that it would rain. They didn't have anywhere to go. Not in that exact moment. The pair joined the others who were sitting on the ground next to the green truck, on one of the blankets Daryl and Evan had salvaged.

"We should decide on what to do." Dale broke the silence seconds after Carl and Evan had sat down. "I know what we want to do, but we should discuss all our options. Figure out what's best."

"I want to stay close by," Carl immediately shot in. "If dad is alive I don't want him to think we abandoned him. Or Glenn."

"Where would we stay?" This time it was Daryl who spoke, in a low voice, but still with an edge to it. Evan wasn't surprised; he was probably the only one who was okay with just leaving. "Winter will be here soon, with everything that comes with it. We barely have enough to last a few days. We don't have weapons to stay alive if we'd get overrun again. Heck, even five walkers might be too much for us. And we don't have warm clothes; if the weather turns we could freeze to death."

No one replied at first because everyone knew he was right.

"Even if we'd stay here, and even if they're alive, there's nothing that would help them find us."

Another truth that the others didn't want to accept.

"If we find somewhere close to stay," Carol started, "couldn't we leave a note somewhere by the farm? Something telling them where we are?"

"But then we might as well leave a note saying we're headed for Alabama." Daryl was the only one standing, the crossbow secure in his hands.

"Evan, what do you think?" Dale asked, and she looked at him, biting her lip.

"If there's a chance that they are alive- I don't know how to live with not knowing. If they are alive then they need to find us." She paused for a moment to tug on the hem of her shirt nervously. "And if we're close by we can head back to the farm in a few weeks and inspect the remains, looking for-" she cut herself off with a shaky sigh. She didn't need to add "their bodies". They all knew that was what she meant.

"But we've cleaned out all the farms within twenty miles of here," Daryl reminded her.

She frowned. "That's not entirely true. We've cleaned out the ones that were remote, but not all. And we could venture into the outskirts of town."

"We can't leave them here," Carl said again. "If they're alive we can't leave."

"But for how long would we stay? How long would it be reasonable for us to just wait here, hoping that they might come strolling through the door at any given moment?" Daryl was the only one who seemed to advocate for leaving, at least, until Carol joined in again.

"I agree with him. We should be rational about this. We don't have a chance against a large number of walkers, and if it's not a given that we'll find more weapons then we shouldn't stay behind." She gave both Carl and Evan an apologetic smile.

Dale looked stunned. "It wasn't rational for us to look for Sophia for so long either, but we did it. For you. For her. Because we didn't want to give up hope."

"And that was a mistake," Carol said. "You risked your lives for someone who was already gone."

"We know that now, but we didn't then. And we don't know if Rick and Glenn are gone. Not for sure."

Evan felt her head starting to spin. She hid her face in her hands. She wasn't sure how much more of the discussion she could handle. Carl and Dale obviously wanted to stay, Daryl and Carol didn't. Deep in her heart Evan wanted to stay too, but her brain told her it wasn't wise. She wished more than ever that Rick would be there, he'd know what to do.

"Evan, tell them that we can't just give up!" Carl demanded, tugging on the sleeve of her shirt.

"We've lost everything," she finally said. "Everything. We've lost Amy. Andrea. T-Dog. Sophia. And Lori. We've lost friends and family. We've lost everything. But if we give up, if we lose hope too, then why would we even want to keep going? Before we left for the farm today, I forced Daryl to promise me that he wouldn't let me give up. And he kept that promise. When I was ready to call the quits he _dragged_ me back here and he shouted at me and he told me to just fucking get a grip. And I'm glad he did. Because I can't give up. I can't lose hope. I have to keep hoping that Rick and Glenn are still out there. I have to keep hoping that someday we'll be able to live without being terrified with every single breath we take. I _have_ to hold onto hope. So I can't leave. I have to stay close. If Rick's alive I will find him."

Silence followed her long monologue and she saw them consider her words. She'd been speaking right from her heart, saying what she really felt. Hope really was all they had left. If that was gone then they might as well just throw in the towel and sit down to wait for death to come and get them.

"Evan's right," Dale said finally. "We've got to keep hoping. I'd rather be heartbroken if we learn that they didn't make it than give up already."

"I don't want to give up hope either," Carl agreed.

That left Carol and Daryl, both remaining silent. For a moment.

"We'll stay close."

"Fine, if you want to stay then we will."

Relief washed over Evan, covering her from top to toe. At least they would be near, just in case. Just in case Rick was still out there. Just in case he was looking for them.

"Tomorrow we'll try to find somewhere close to stay. Either in a house like before or in tents if we can find any," Evan decided. "If we can't find enough supplies anywhere near then we'll set up camp and I'll go on my own, further away, to try and find what we might need."

"That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard," Daryl shot at her, rolling his eyes. "I'll go, if we can't find anything useful around here."

"Fine," Evan said, rolling her eyes right back at him. "We should go right now, try and find somewhere safe to stay the night. It might rain."

No one argued with that.


	33. Thirty-two

A/N: Again, sorry for the wait. Reviews are appreciated though, and usually speed up the process since I can't as easily forget that I'm supposed to be updating this here, haha.

* * *

It was Evan and Daryl who drove in the front, with the others following them closely. They had stayed long enough to eat a little bit but then realized they'd need to find somewhere to stay at least for the night. There was a farmhouse – smaller than their previous one – about five miles from the burnt down building and it would do for the night. It had been the first place they raided for supplies but it had a roof and they hadn't encountered any walkers or bodies in the actual house. They'd driven half-way there when the first rain started to fall and within only minutes it was pouring down, making it hard for them to see much. Evan had to squint with her eyes and lean forward to be able to see.

"I think it's the next left," she said, "But I can't make any promises."

Daryl shot her a glance but then returned to focusing on the road. "Let's hope it's right, I don't feel like getting lost in this weather."

When the road that Evan had been talking about turned up to their left they took the turn a lot slower than they usually would have. Because of the rain the smaller dirt roads could easily get muddy and slippery – a car accident was the last thing they'd need. When the house came into view they both let out a breath of relief. At least they hadn't gotten lost, and that was something. They parked the cars as close to the house as possibly, while still leaving enough room for escape in case walkers had wandered in there. In the weather it took Daryl a moment to turn the truck around so that it was ready for departure should they need it. They'd already talked about leaving as much as possible in the trucks this time; if they had to flee they didn't want to lose everything a second time. They'd also decided that Daryl would alone secure the house, with a knife and a crossbow. And if he didn't return in half an hour they would leave – unless they saw something earlier that proved he was gone. It hurt Evan to think like that, about abandoning another one of their own, but she knew it made sense. Now that they were so few they had to hold onto each other tightly, and with the lack of firepower they couldn't risk it.

"Remember," Daryl muttered, grabbing the blade and his preferred weapon.

"I'll keep them safe," she promised. He shot her a glance and then he opened the door to slip out into the rain.

Evan didn't hesitate, as soon as the door fell shut again she climbed over to the driver's side, one hand on the key in the ignition, ready to leave but praying she wouldn't have to. She turned towards the rearview mirror and watched as Daryl snuck slowly towards the front porch – that too a lot smaller than the one they were used to. She then glanced up towards the darkened house and sighed. This was a one floor house, with a smaller kitchen, cramped living room and three reasonably sized bedrooms. Even if they decided to stay here it didn't offer much. There was running water thanks to a well on the property, but the land wasn't fenced in. Even with a tall wooden fence surrounding their last makeshift home they'd found themselves overrun by walkers, here they'd risk getting trapped in the house long before they could even see them coming. Evan wanted to stay there but knew they couldn't. Knew it was reckless. It was good enough for a few nights but not in the long run.

She turned her attention forwards again and saw the faces of her friends peering out at her from the back of the other truck. They had also parked facing away from the house and Evan knew Dale had one hand on the key, just like she did. Ready to leave if it came to that. She smiled at them but wasn't sure if they could see her through the rain. Every one of her heartbeats echoed through the truck like gunshots – at least that's what it felt like to Evan. Her chest was aching and she did her best to breathe normally but she couldn't. The hand she had on the steering wheel was beginning to hurt, her knuckles white from the intense grip she had on it. She tried counting to keep track of time. There was a clock in the dashboard of the car but it only showed minutes, not seconds. And Evan was almost sure there was something wrong with it, certainly they had been sitting there for more than a minute and a half.

When she saw movement from the porch she came within inches of starting the truck up, which would immediately cause Dale to do the same. But then she saw the crossbow and recognized Daryl's tentatively stance. She watched him wave at her, giving the thumbs up, and she let out the breath she wasn't aware she'd been holding. At least just for that night they could feel relatively safe. At least then they could get some sleep and the next day talk about what they would do to find Rick and Glenn. And a better place to hold up. She opened the car door and jumped out, closing it silently behind. With a few strides she'd joined Daryl on the porch.

"Everything okay in there?" she asked, rubbing water out of her face.

"Yeah, nothing in there at all, just like last time. All the windows are still intact too."

"Good." She moved to the side when the others came to join them. "For now, while the weather is like this, we should all just hold up inside. Lock the doors and try and make ourselves comfortable."

"I'll keep watch."

Evan shook her head. "No, Daryl. You were up all of last night; don't think I didn't see you. I can take watch for the first few hours while you get some sleep. It's fine, I can handle it," she assured him when she saw that he wanted to object. Finally he agreed, the weariness visibly weighing him down. He'd never admit it, but he was tired. Exhausted. The darkness under his eyes told that story all too well. And Evan couldn't have them all in danger because he refused to rest.

Carol led Carl into the house and Daryl followed, while Evan remained behind and Dale too.

"I can take watch instead," he offered, but she gave him a reassuring smile.

"I'm fine. Really. I can't rest right now anyway. Just come switch with me in a few hours." Night was coming closer and Evan didn't like that it was still pouring down – it would make it hard to see if anyone (anything) approached. But it was better than nothing.

"If you're sure." Evan could see that Dale too was exhausted and she nodded again, and then watched him leave.

She had the rifle in her left hand, and she let out a sigh, her right hand going down to double check that the sickle was still in her belt. She wasn't sure it'd really be of much use, but figured it was better than nothing. If only one or two stray walkers approached she'd try to fence them off silently with that. Otherwise she'd open fire. She walked over to the railing, leaning against it, testing its strength. It seemed to be solid enough, and the top board of it was almost six inches wide, meaning she could easily sit on it without falling over. A grin spread over her features as she pictured herself taking a nosedive off the railing, into the bushes below. It wouldn't have surprised her; she wasn't always the most graceful person around. With that thought in her head, and with the scent of wet grass reaching her nostrils she thought back to the day before the world had gone to hell.

It had been raining then too. Heavily. She'd returned home from work in a horrible mood, because first one of the kids got sick and threw up on her shoes and then she – of course – had to drop her car keys in a puddle and had to look for them with a shivering hand while she got wetter and wetter. And to top it off she hit her head against the roof of the car when she was climbing out of it. She's been fuming when she opened the door to the apartment she shared with Tom, and she'd kicked her shoes off violently and thrown the coat on the floor without caring to tuck them away properly. Evan had been perfectly ready to catch Tom doing something that always annoyed her (eating by the computer, letting the dishes pile up in the sink, leaving his dirty socks on the couch) so that she could blow some steam off and explode, but when she entered the kitchen, voice fully prepared to start shouting, she was met by a candlelit dinner for two. And Tom standing there with champagne in his hand, wanting to celebrate just how much he loved her and how happy he was about them being together. It was when Tom did things like that she realized why she loved him. In spite of their different views on a lot of things and in spite of them wanting different things from life, she did love him and he loved her. He made her happy.

But now it was all gone and so was he. Evan felt a single tear roll down her cheek at the memories of her dead fiancé, and she wondered what would have happened if he hadn't been bit. If he hadn't turned and thrown himself at her. Would they have made it all the way to that remote farmhouse together? Would they still be a couple, devoted to each other? Would she ever have seen Rick with the admiration that she did? Evan wasn't sure, and although she missed Tom so much her heart ached, she knew she couldn't change what was and she accepted it. She had loved Tom and she had wanted to spend her life with him, but that didn't happen. It would never happen. Now she was there, in the middle of what felt like the end of the world, and she had new friends. A new family. A new goal; to stay alive. And she had changed so much in the past six months. Evan suspected that if the person she had become had been in a relationship with Tom then love wouldn't have been enough. She wouldn't have been able to abandon her own hopes and dreams as she had then. Not now. Not when her priorities had all shifted and she'd gotten a newfound appreciation for life. For everything in it. Just standing there, watching the rain crash down on the landscape around her, was something she appreciated. Because it was safe. Because it was simple. Because it was life.

There was also that tug in her heart, reminding her of Rick. Of his face. His features. His touch. The way his chest would rise and fall as he slept and Evan's head was resting on it, listening for his heartbeat. She had seen him break and lose confident, but he had always gotten back up, no matter what. She realized that although Tom had been a wonderful person and she never regretted a day with him, he wasn't anything like Rick. Tom had taken care of her and kept her safe, yes, but only in that reality. In this reality she wasn't sure he'd be able to, although she was sure he'd try. Where Rick had gotten up and kept going, still in charge, and still making sure everyone was safe, Tom would have given up and allowed despair to seize him. And Evan didn't think she'd loved him on such a deep level that she would have followed him anywhere he wanted to go, but she would have done that for Rick. She would do that for Rick. It was the first time she'd really thought of him in past tense, as if he really was gone. She bit it down. Evan wouldn't accept defeat. Rick never had and she wouldn't either. Regardless of whom she had been before she knew who she was now and that Evan couldn't give up on faith.

She let out a frustrated sigh and shifted in her seat. She needed to break away from all of those thoughts. She was thinking in circles and it wouldn't do her any good. Evan did promise herself one thing though, one very important thing. No matter what she felt or didn't feel for Rick, she would always remember Tom fondly, because he deserved nothing less.


	34. Thirty-three

A/N: See how quickly I come around to post again when there are reviews waiting for me? ;)

* * *

It was Daryl who came to take Evan's place, long after her fingers had gone numb from the cold. She gratefully handed him the rifle and he took it. She knew that he'd use his crossbow as much as possible, but with the lack of a decent amount of arrows he might need something else. They did their exchange in silence, and Evan jumped down from the railing, stretching her sore body slightly. Without glancing back she walked into the house and immediately heard noises from the kitchen. She followed the low sound of voices and found all three of them sitting around the table. A group of candles had been lit to give them some light.

"Did you see anything?" Dale asked and Evan shook her head before taking a seat also. "We did eat a little, would you like some?"

"No, I'm alright. I'm going to try and get some sleep soon. You should too." She shot a meaning look at Carl who shrugged. "I mean it. Tomorrow morning we'll decide on where to go – God it feels like we don't do anything else these days – and I want you all to be clearheaded by then. Tomorrow could be dangerous. And long."

"We set up in the living room. We figured we should all stay together."

Evan gave Carol an appreciative smile. "That's a good idea. I'm going to go wash my face and then try to catch at least some rest. Carl, you better join me in there within half an hour."

"Okay, fine," he grumbled. But she could see that he didn't think it was such a bad idea. Besides, there was nothing they could do right then. Darkness had fallen outside and the rain had only eased up ever so slightly. It would be pointless to try and find anyone at that moment.

Evan let her hand briefly brush against Carol's shoulder as she passed them, heading for the bathroom. She had taken one of the candles with her to make sure she didn't fall over something. In the bathroom she caught a glance of herself in the mirror and had to stifle a laugh. She was still wearing the ridiculous shirt with the cat on it and she looked absolutely absurd. She was still grinning to herself while she cleaned her face as best as she could in the cold water and rinsed her mouth too. They'd already cleaned out the bathrooms for everything that would be of use and Evan almost wished they hadn't. With a sigh she went back outside. The set up in the living room was rough, but there was a couch and three mattresses squeezed in wherever there was room. The furniture in the room seemed to follow the theme of dark and gloomy and it did nothing to ease Evan's mood. Carefully she placed the candle on the table and chose the couch for herself, picking up a blanket and crawling in under it.

Her mind was buzzing and she pressed a pillow over her head, as if that would help. She just wanted everything in her brain to stop, just for a little while. She thought about Tom, her mother, her friends – old and new. She thought of Rick too. And Lori. The next day also whirled around her mind, thoughts slinging in every direction so fast she couldn't focus on any of them completely. What would they do? What should they do? What could they do? It frustrated her to no end that she had no reply to any of these questions. The floorboards groaned and she pushed the pillow away, meeting Carl's eyes.

"What are you doing?" he asked as he took a spot on the mattress in front of the couch.

"Trying to force my brain to shut up," she admitted sheepishly.

He grinned at her, even though the smile didn't quite reach his eyes. "Is it working?"

"Sadly, no." She let out a huff of air as he crawled under the blanket. "How are you doing?"

Carl shrugged, settling down with his head on the lumpy pillow. "Do you really think there's any hope left?"

"I honestly don't know." She studied his features in the flickering light from the candle for a moment. "I want to think that there's hope, because I meant it when I said that without it there's no point. But I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't."

"If I ask you something will you tell me the truth?" he asked then, and she nodded. "Daryl said mum died in the fire. Is that true?"

Evan hesitated, biting the inside of her cheek. She'd promised. Promised. But now he was right there, in front of her, asking for honesty.

"No, that's not true."

There was a long pause, and she could see tears building in his eyes.

"Did she turn?"

"Yes." They were both whispering now, as if the reality of their words was too horrible for them to speak it out loud.

"Did you kill her?" His voice was thick and raspy.

"No. Daryl did. I froze." She rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand. "Don't be mad at Daryl. I made him promise to not tell you the truth."

"Why would you do that? I'm not a kid anymore. I deserved to know." There was a sharp edge to his words and she couldn't blame him.

"I would have given anything to have been told that my fiancé died from being shot, or getting hit by a car, or in a fire, rather than having to see him like that. Walking around with dead eyes and with a stench that would make anyone feel sick. I didn't want you to picture your mother like that."

"If I saw dad as a walker, would you want me to lie?"

He wasn't asking her to argue, but because he was honestly wondering. Evan let out a choked sob, suddenly, without being able to smother it.

"I don't know," she whispered. "I don't know if I could handle knowing that he'd lost that much dignity. To die is horrific, but to not even be allowed to rest in peace is worse. So much worse."

Her words hung heavy in the silent air around them. Evan shortly wondered why Carol and Dale hadn't joined them yet but turned it away when Carl spoke up again.

"Do you think we can find them?" he asked again, more desperate now. Her heart cramped because she didn't know how to answer it. If she admitted to him what she really felt she'd have to admit it to herself too, and she wasn't sure she could handle that.

"Carl, if your dad is out there, and Glenn, then we _will_ find them," she promised. "I won't rest until we know, one way or another, what happened to them." She hadn't answered his question because she couldn't. "Now try and get some sleep," she ushered, wanting to close the subject.

"Okay." He turned over, away from her, and she breathed out in relief.

Although she was comfortable and although she fully trusted that Daryl would sound the alarm if there was need for it, she just couldn't relax. She wasn't equipped for comforting someone when she herself was breaking. At her job it had been easy, because those children had only ever cried over things that didn't matter much in the bigger picture. Like falling over and getting a scrape on their knee. Or trying to paint a bunny that ended up looking more like a shapeless blob of colors. Nothing that would haunt them – and Evan – forever. She was still awake when Dale and Carol came creeping in to get some rest too, but she pretended not to be, her eyes firmly closed. She'd already dealt with way too many serious conversations for one night. She wasn't sure her fragile mind could handle anything more.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Carol whispered, and Evan tipped her head to the side, pushing her thoughts away, ready to listen in to the conversation.

"I just know that this is what's right," Dale responded, he too speaking in a low, soft voice.

There was a brief pause and Evan wasn't sure they were even going to continue. "I guess I've turned bitter since Sophia died. Beginning to think that there really is no hope and no point."

"Don't say that."

"It's how I feel, I'm sorry. Maybe death would be favorable right now. To this. Running all the time. Barely being able to sleep because of what could happen while we're off guard. Losing friends and family. We were thirteen, not too long ago. Thirteen, when Evan joined us. Now there are five of us that we know are alive. Two that are missing. And one we sent away because he lost his mind completely. But maybe he didn't lose his mind. Maybe Shane was right all along." Carol's voice died down and Evan felt anger flare inside.

"That's not true. Shane wasn't right about anything. He would have abandoned the search for Sophia without hesitation and he would leave now, not even caring if Rick or Glenn were alive." Dale sounded angry, but was trying hard to stay silent. "If there ever comes a moment where Shane was right then you better kill me straight away because that's a world I refuse to live in. That's a world where there's no point, where we'll abandon our friends just to save our own asses. That's not right. That's never right."

It seemed that Carol didn't have anything to say back to that and silence spread around the room. Evan could hear the noises of the two others getting settled, but then that too fell quiet. The breathing around the room slowed down. Evan was the only one awake, but closed her eyes again, this time determined to sleep.

* * *

When she had finally fallen into darkness she was haunted by the faces of Rick and Tom, both dead, blood covering their features. Evan was aware of dreams of trying to run but not being able to. Of trying to scream but being mute when her mouth fell open. When someone shook her awake she bolted up suddenly, glancing around in a panic until she realized none of it had been real. She looked into the kind eyes of Dale and offered him a smile.

"Sorry, nightmares."

"Who doesn't have those these days," he replied.

She crawled out from underneath the blanket and saw that the room was swimming in sunlight. It was also empty. "Did everyone else already get up? What time is it?"

"Don't worry," Dale said, holding his hands up in front of him. "Everything is fine, it's still early. We just thought we should let you sleep for a while. That it couldn't hurt."

Evan only nodded. She pointed towards the tank top she still had in her possession and raised an eyebrow. He clearly understood what she meant and told her they were in the kitchen and then left. Evan sighed, pulling off the hideous – albeit funny – cat shirt and instead tugging on the tank top. It wouldn't keep her warm, but the nightmares had caused her to sweat and the fabric of the ridiculous sweater was damp. That wouldn't keep her warm either. Then she left the room behind and met up with her friends at the kitchen. She found them sitting around it, all of them, even Daryl. She got a strong sense of déjà vu, since everything they seemed to do lately was either run or converse around a wooden table in a kitchen that wasn't theirs. The thought almost made her smile.

"Let me guess," she said, sitting down. "We're going to talk about what to do now?"

"We need a plan," was all Daryl said. Evan didn't disagree with that.

"As far as I see it," Evan began, "we have a few options. Either we stay here, which isn't really much of an option. Or we find some other farm out here as close to our former home as possible. Or we head into town and maybe try and hold up in an apartment or something."

None of the options were ideal and all came with grave danger.

"Another farm," Dale voted and Carol agreed.

"Whatever," Daryl said, and Evan rolled her eyes at him. "What? All of the options are insane; no matter what we do we're going to have to fight like hell to stay alive. And we don't have enough weapons to defend ourselves against even the smallest group of walkers. Not to mention people, if we'd encounter any of those pissheads."

"Maybe more people would be a good idea." All eyes fell on Dale, and he cleared his throat. "There are five of us, if we had more people we might be able to defend ourselves."

"We can't take that chance," Carol said flatly. "We wouldn't know who we could or couldn't trust. Look at what happened the last time we invited strangers to stay."

The memory of Juliet attacking Evan was something that didn't just vividly flash by in her mind. She shuddered when the thought hit her.

"So it's just us," Evan declared. "But where do we head from here?"

Silence.

Evan finally decided she'd had it. It wasn't working to operate like a democracy anymore. "Okay, here's what's going to happen and then that's final." Her voice was so hard she could see the surprise on their faces. "Our old farm is still the best place we've found, because of the fence. We need to find somewhere like that. We'll start close by, and then head closer to town if we have to. As soon as we've found somewhere, everyone but Daryl and I will stay there. We'll head to town to gather supplies, and in a few days as soon as we're settled one of us will go back to the farm and leave a message for Rick and Glenn. In case they'd show up to see it."

Another batch of silence.

"Sounds good enough," Daryl concluded, nodding towards her. Evan felt gratitude radiating towards him for the support.

"I guess that's a good a plan as any," Carol admitted and Dale nodded.

"I like it," Carl said. "We'll be close, just in case."

"When spring comes we will leave," Evan pointed out, voice still not having softened. She had seized authority because someone had to. "Then we'll head for Alabama and try to set up there. Or make another plan, a bigger plan. But for the following months this is what's going to happen."

She wished she'd felt as sure as she sounded.


	35. Thirty-four

A/N: This is one of those dreary chapters filled with information no one cares about. Enjoy!

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The next few days proved more difficult than Evan had hoped, but at least they all made it through them alive. They did find a farm to stay in, this one with a fence too. It wasn't as nice though because the people living there'd had cattle, which had long since been devoured by walkers and their carcasses left rotting in the fields. But they were far enough from the house as to not make them uncomfortable, and at any rate they didn't have much of a choice. The two story house was gray in contrast to the previous white ones, and it was older. Dale estimated that it had been built in the 1940's or even earlier. The front porch had the familiar fenced railing, and it stretched from the front door and around to the side of the house in a smooth curve. An old ladder rested against the wall and it looked like it might give away if anyone weighing more than ten pounds tried climbing it. There was a small porch at the back of the house too, which made it easy for someone to keep watch from there. Unlike their previous home this one was stretched over a lot more acres, Daryl guessed eight and Dale nine. Evan didn't know, but she did know there was at the very least 700 feet between the house and the fence.

A few large oak trees surrounded the house, but were far enough apart so that sunlight would touch the yard and so that they'd always have a clear view over the fence and the road. On the first floor of the house there were two bedrooms, a combined kitchen and living area as well as a small dining room. There was also a utility room. In the living room there was a fireplace which Carol noted happily would come well in hand during the cold winter. Evan couldn't have agreed more. When she first stepped in through the doors she had the stairs to her right and the dining room to her left. Beyond the stairs was a small hallway that led to one of the smaller bedrooms and the master bathroom. They happily realized this house too had running water but, like the others, only cold liquid sprayed from the taps. They would take it though, because it was better than nothing. Next to the first bedroom was the other, across the small hallway and opposite that was the kitchen and living area. Upstairs was only two small bedrooms and an even smaller bathroom, but it was enough. They would fit in there, and they would be safe there. At least safer than out running around in the wilderness the world had become. Evan had claimed the bigger bedroom on the first floor, but only after Carl said he didn't want to sleep alone. Instead of sleeping upstairs, Dale and Carol decided to drag a mattress down from there and push into the dining room, after they had thrown the furniture in there out into the yard; they didn't need a dining table or the matching chairs. After the fire in their last house almost swallowing them whole they didn't want to risk staying so far apart, even if it would keep only a floor between them. So Dale convinced Carol to take the last bedroom on the first floor and he'd sleep on the floor in the dining room. Daryl waited until everyone had finished deciding and then went upstairs to throw his things into the remaining untouched room there. Evan rolled her eyes at his arrogance.

When Evan asked Daryl why they obviously hadn't looted this house (there wasn't a lot left, the owners seemed to have left in a hurry with as much as they could, leaving their animals and what they couldn't carry behind) he simply told her that when they'd approached it before walkers had been crawling around the entire land. When they arrived this time however, only a few stray walkers had been found and they could be taken care of easily and had then been burned together with the dead cows. It was the food that had brought them there months earlier, and when that ran out most of them had moved on. Daryl and Evan had inspected the fence after they'd set fire to the corpses, and noticed that it would need reinforcing in a few places in order to offer complete safety. And the gate had to be mended as well. There were boards and tools in the barn, and they happily used those to secure the perimeter, but there was barely any food at all. And no gas. And no weapons except for a few knives in the kitchen and an axe by a pile of firewood. In spite of that they knew there was no way they'd ever find a safer place to hold up for the winter.

So the first few days everyone had to help - even Carl – with fixing the fence, cleaning out the house (the owners had left the doors open and a few stray walkers had made their way inside, including one that nearly scared Carol half to death before Evan forcefully stabbed it in the head), bringing in firewood, sorting through what clothes and linen were still left behind and Daryl was sent to the nearest town to gather food. If he could. Evan also reminded him in a whisper to try and find at least some arrows, so that one of them was well-armed. He'd rolled his eyes and told her that was the first thing he'd look for, and then pressed the rifle into her hands, telling her to keep everyone alive until he returned. There was a short moment between Daryl and Carol before he left, but Evan knew not to ask about it. While Daryl had been gone the others had let no time go to waste and continued making the place safe. A few walkers had approached the fence, but only stood on the other side of it, moaning and snapping their teeth, until Evan dealt with them silently using the axe.

Even Carl had been given a knife, just in case, though Evan prayed he'd never have to use it. He tried to assure her that it was fine, and that if they'd had a gun for him he'd wanted to learn how to use that too, but Evan shook her head and told him that the day he was given a gun was the day he became an adult in too many ways and he shouldn't rush it. But she did promise him that if they ever needed him to help they would give him a weapon. "But not until it's absolutely necessary," Evan pressed. When Daryl had finally returned he'd been bleeding from a cut on his forehead and the curses that spilled from his lips were so horrible she told Dale and Carol to get Carl out of there before his ears fell off. Apparently he'd found a place where people had previously been holding up, but then disappeared – "died, gotten lost or eaten, I don't care" – and there'd been weapons and food a plenty to go around. Of course he'd spilled no time in taking it all, loading it into the black truck as quickly as possible. And then when he was ready to step back into the truck to leave he'd been hid over the head with a fire extinguisher. "Stupid old man," he spat when Evan tried to clean his forehead. "Started cursing and attacking me, even though I tried to tell him to cool it and that he could come with us. Then he threw rocks after me and told me to take it all and leave him to die. So I did."

He'd brought several firearms and ammo to go with them, much to Evan's delight. It was obvious that they must have been quite a few living there, but Evan didn't want to consider what had happened to them. It was enough that there'd apparently been an old man going crazy back there. She didn't want to know of any other survivors that they might have stolen from. They needed the supplies, too. There had also been food, enough to last them at least a month if they were careful. Nothing fancy, the same old canned and dried food. Things that wouldn't get old. He had, though, found a few boxes of chocolate and Evan's mouth had watered when she saw the candy. There had also been a few bags of white rice which had Carol rejoicing – not because she was a big fan, but because any type of canned food tasted better with something to go with it. Their little camping stove had been destroyed in the fire, but they had found that in the open fireplace there was a hook to hang a pot on – Dale said it was a remain of how they'd probably cooked back when the house was built. All in all, they did have enough to survive the winter, if only they stocked up on some more food in a month or so, and then Daryl planned on making a longer trip.

By day five they'd secured and settled everything that was absolutely crucial. They'd checked the wells on the property for contamination but found that the water was still good for use, both when it came to washing and cooking. The fifth night Evan slept better than she had for ages. She and Carl shared the queen sized bed in the main bedroom and it gave her comfort to have him close. Then she'd always know that he was safe. Another reason why she slept so soundly on the fifth night was because the next day she and Daryl would go to their old farm house that was just over 25 miles away and leave a message for Glenn and Rick. Evan had also promised Carl that they would burn Lori's body, which he had asked her for in a whispering voice late on the fourth night, while they were trying to sleep. In the barn, Dale and Carl had found a large piece of wood to write on and some very old paint too; Dale assured them that the blue paint would still work. On the sign they'd written down a message they prayed one of their own would read.

_Rick and Glenn – we haven't gone far. 25 miles north. We will find you._

Evan had wanted to write out a more detailed description of their whereabouts but Daryl told her not to. If the wrong people saw it they could come and try to take the farm away from them. Evan knew he was right, but it still made her heart ache that they'd be forced to leave such an ambiguous message. Evan had talked Daryl into letting her leave a water bottle and a few cans of food behind. If they showed up and had to walk 25 miles they might need some help. Evan also planned on going back every few days, just to see if anyone had been there. Daryl hadn't liked that but Evan's voice had been so sharp when she announced it that he hadn't wanted to argue.

The truth was that in spite of insisting on a lot of things, it wasn't for Evan's own sake. It was for Carl. She had silently come to the acceptance that they would never see Rick or Glenn again. And as much as it hurt her, she tried to push beyond it, focusing on the friends she had left and the fact that she had to keep them safe. And yet, when her head rested against the soft pillow and Carl was breathing gently beside her, she couldn't help but pray for their luck to change the next day.


	36. Thirty-five

A/N: Sorry for the gap in updates. Life is busy.

* * *

As soon as her eyes fluttered open Evan was hit by what day it was and what they had planned. In spite of herself she couldn't force hope away and she couldn't kill it when she got out of bed either, yawning and stretching. Carl woke up when she started moving and rolled over to the side, groaning. When she saw that his breathing had evened out again she silently headed towards the white dresser opposite the bed and pulled the top drawer open. From there she chose some underwear and a black t-shirt and from the drawer beneath she picked out a pair of jeans. They were male jeans, but the man who had worn them must have been skinny as a twig because they fit her reasonably well. At least well enough that they didn't risk falling down if she had to run.

With the clothes in her hands she moved away from the light piece of furniture and aimed for the door instead. They had opted against boarding up the windows this time so it wasn't dark when she entered the hallway. She didn't hear any noise coming from the other two rooms that served as bedrooms, so she simply assumed that no one else had gotten up yet. Evan pushed open the door to the bathroom and stepped in. She had already decided against showering and the decision was reinforced when she tugged off the large shirt and pants she was sleeping in and felt a shiver run up her spine. They did keep a fire lit all day, but they had to let it die in the evening and so when they woke up it was always chilly in the house. Not really the kind of environment that makes you long for a freezing shower. Once she had used the toilet and washed her hands, she pulled on the fresh clothes and then tied her hair back with a hairband. She studied her features in the mirror and both liked and hated what she saw.

She hated how the girl in the mirror looked emotionless, as if she didn't feel anything at all anymore. Evan knew it was because of the walls she'd built up. And at the same time she loved the girl in the mirror just because she looked like a blank piece of paper; not even a trace of an emotion. She cursed her feelings more than once a day and it almost drove her insane the way she'd flicker from not caring at all, about anything or anyone, and wanting to give up because everything was pointless, and then to caring so much for her small group that she'd walk straight through the entire country if she had to as long as they were safe. With a sigh of frustration she turned away from the reflection and re-entered the hall. At the same time as she headed towards the kitchen she ran into Daryl.

"Are you ready?" he asked instead of the usual good morning that she'd have gotten from Dale or Carol.

"I am," she confirmed. "I'll just grab something to eat and then we can go."

He stopped then, realizing it was pointless to follow her to the kitchen. "I'll be in the truck."

The day before they'd stuffed the sign they'd made as well as a box of water and food in it, all ready for departure. Evan didn't want to waste time – she wanted to get to the house as soon as possible. In the kitchen she grabbed one of the cans of peaches they'd opened the night before and with a pencil she scribbled down a note on a crumbled piece of paper for the others. When she passed the door to the dining room, now Dale's bedroom, she did knock on the door however and stuck her head in.

"Hey, we're leaving. Keep watch?"

"Ah, yes," he replied groggily.

She didn't wait for anything else, but closed the door again and headed out. The trucks were both parked aimed away from the house and towards the dirt road that led down to the main road. They had been parked next to each other, so that it didn't matter which one you picked, you could just get in, turn the key, and head off if there was need for it. Carl had wondered how they'd open and close the gate if they were in a hurry but Daryl barked at him that if they were in danger they'd just floor it and crash straight through it.

The sun had barely appeared over the horizon when she walked through the grass and towards the running truck where Daryl was waiting. Before leaving the house behind she'd grabbed the revolver that was now hers, and a box of extra ammo. She knew that Daryl had his crossbow as well as the new set of arrows he'd found in town. Dale would have the rifle and a handgun too, if need be and even Carol had a gun. They did have one more tucked away in the green truck and everyone had been given their own silent weapon. She noticed her hand shivering slightly when she reached for the door and pulled it open; Evan was scared. And nervous. Now that enough time had passed they'd be able to look through some of the remains, at least if it was safe enough, and there was a strong possibility they'd encounter a charred body in there. If they did though, they wouldn't be able to know who it was. It could be Glenn. It could be Rick. Or it could be a stranger for all they knew.

"Everything alright?" Daryl asked when Evan let out a sigh.

"Yep," she confirmed shortly.

He didn't need to know anything more and pushed down on the gas pedal. They only stopped for a second when they came to the gate, so that Evan could dash out and open it, and then they continued on their way once it was firmly shut and secure.

The ride was silent, as it so often were when Evan and Daryl spent time together, but neither really minded it. They knew what they were doing, where they were heading, and why. Analyzing it or discussing it was unnecessary. And with the way Evan's heart was trying to break through her chest there was no way she'd be able to talk about something else. Time after time she reminded herself how slim the chances were that this would ever bear fruit, but she couldn't force the thoughts away. It felt, to her, like she hadn't seen Rick's face in months, when that wasn't the reality at all. It had been days though, and that was enough. She wondered how she would handle it if she found out she'd never see his face again. But then she forced those thoughts away as well and let out an exasperated sigh. Daryl threw her a glance but didn't react more than that. Evan closed her eyes and tried to think about other things. About how lucky they were to have found somewhere to hide over the winter. But she dreaded the future. She dreaded spring. Even if they hadn't seen a single sign of Glenn or Rick they would leave once spring came. At least that was the plan. Though Evan wasn't sure she wanted to anymore. Their newfound home should be good enough to house them come spring and summer too. Maybe even longer than that. Granted nothing else went to hell and no one else set fire to the house.

Suddenly a thought crossed her mind and she mentally kicked herself for never thinking it before. If someone had indeed set fire to their previous house and led the walkers there with the intention of killing them (there really couldn't be another reason behind it) then why wasn't it possible that the person (or persons) had decided to kill any survivors that they could? What if Rick and Glenn had managed to survive the fire, and Lori getting attacked and bitten, only to be shot and killed by the arsonist? Evan felt bile climb up through the back of her throat and she swallowed forcefully.

"What are you thinking?" Daryl asked suddenly, shattering the silence, and Evan wondered if it had been her facial expression that caused him to do it.

"If someone set fire to the house to kill us, maybe they also killed Rick and Glenn. If they made it out of the house at all."

He seemed to think about it for a second. "I don't think so."

"Why?"

"Because no one would be stupid enough to stay that close to the house after the herd of walkers approached it," he said matter of factly. He shifted a little in his seat and moved his hands on the steering wheel slightly.

"I guess that's true," she admitted.

"Evan, no one could control those walkers. No one. Like I've said before; they weren't someone pet dogs they released on us. If someone did that, then they probably made a lot of noise and drove in our direction and then headed out of there faster than the light." He smiled at her. "Anything else would be idiotic."

"So are we saying that we think whoever did that is a genius?" she shot at him, grinning now. She hadn't thought it was possible, but the tone had gone from harsh to soft.

"Probably not. A genius would have succeeded. Far as we know there was only one person who didn't make it."

Lori's face as a walker whirled into Evan's consciousness and she looked out the window to try and force it away. "One. Or three."

"Don't tell me you've given up too."

"I don't know." She shrugged, glancing back towards him. "Maybe it would be for the best to accept that there's no hope to find them alive."

"Or maybe that would be the same as deciding to just sit down and wait for death."

Silence wrapped around them again. Soft had gone to harsh again.

"Listen, Evan, to me it doesn't mean giving up." He sighed and held onto the steering wheel a little tighter. "If I accept that we're not going to find them it'd feel like it was a shame. I liked Rick, and I liked Glenn. But I would be okay with continuing without them. I'd still have a will to fight. But Carl… if he decides to accept that we're never going to find his dad then that would break him. He needs to hold on to hope because it's all he has left now that his mother's gone. And you…" There was a brief pause, and Evan waited breathlessly for his continuation. "It would break you too, because you're that attached to him. I don't care if you just like him or love him – you're attached to him. He means something to you. And if you decided that there was no hope in finding them, I don't think you'd have much hope left for anything else either. Or am I wrong?"

She bit her bottom lip sharply. "You're not wrong."

"Then cut it out and keep the faith."

"Yes, sir," she said, half-serious and half-mockingly.

* * *

Her legs were shaking so badly when they stepped out of the car that she had to hold on to the door to stop herself from falling. When the farm had come into view Evan had been dangerously close to asking Daryl to take care of everything on his own, but she didn't want that. For some reason it was very important that _she_ was the one who left the sign out there.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," she said. "Do you mind dealing with Lori?"

He nodded and pointed towards the left, where a stray walker was approaching. Evan released the car door and told him she had it. She allowed the gun to stay put in the hem of her jeans, and instead reached for the axe that rested in the back seat. Then, with determined steps, she advanced on the walker, fingers gripping the weapon so tightly she thought the wood might break. When it came within her reach she raised the axe and allowed it to sink into the walker's skull violently, blood gushing out of the wound. But it fell to the ground and she pulled the axe back, wrinkling her nose at the sight of brain substance stuck on the blade. She wiped it in the grass swiftly before heading back towards the house. They'd decided to leave the sign pretty much where the front porch had been. In case the others came back, she wanted it to be easy to be found.

She returned to the car, looking carefully in every direction every few steps, and leaned in a second time to grab the sign. The scent of a burning fire reached her nostrils then and she knew exactly why. She shuddered but didn't stop, leaving the car again and heading towards the porch. She set it down in the grass, leaning it against the rubble, her entire being praying that it would be enough. After that she stepped away, going to retrieve the box of supplies from the truck as well, and then placing it gently next to the sign. That was it. It was all they could do. After closer inspecting the burnt down house she realized that there'd be no point in even attempting to search for anything in it. The only thing they'd succeed with would be to get soot all over their clothes and possibly getting crushed by something or other.

When she had done her part she decided to stay by the car, eyes peeled and axe ready, and wait for Daryl to finish. She didn't have to hang around for very long and soon she saw him returning to the truck. He glanced sideways towards the porch but then returned his focus to his goal. They didn't speak when they climbed back into the car, or when they pulled away. They turned to avoid a single walker but didn't bother killing it. It wouldn't have any urges to eat the food they'd left and it definitely couldn't read so it wasn't going to follow them for 25 miles. It was no threat to them. For the first few miles they drove in peace, with their breathing and the roaring engine being the only sources of sound. Evan's eyes followed the trees outside, studying the scenery, and glancing up towards the sun that was still high in the sky every now and again too. All she wanted in that moment was to get back to the house, tell the others that they were done, and then take a cold shower. Originally she had planned to search the surrounding woods too, but realized that it was pointless. If Rick and Glenn were okay enough to get into the woods, they would have walked too far by then for Evan and Daryl to have the slightest chance in finding them. And if they had been very injured, so injured they couldn't get far, then they'd be dead. Evan couldn't handle finding that, at least not yet. She let out a sigh and leaned her head against the window, eyes darting quickly from tree to tree.

Then her heart froze.

_"Stop the fucking car!"_


	37. Thirty-six

A/N: I'm terribly sorry for the long wait. I know it's been forever. Life caught up with me and I've had too many thing to focus on. I promise I'll get more regular with the updating now though. As for good news: I passed my current literature courses and I was accepted into the school in Tokyo that I'd applied for. That means I'm moving to Tokyo in October, dude! So yay and all those things. And now for what you guys care about. Enjoy chapter 36.

* * *

"What?"

"_I said_ _stop the fucking car!_" Evan repeated, louder this time. "_Stop the fucking car!_"

He slammed his foot on the break and they swerved sharply to the right, but he managed to keep them on the road.

"Are you going to explain," he began harshly, his breath knocked out of him, but Evan had already thrown the door open the second the truck came to a halt. "Hey!" he called after her. She didn't stop.

Evan's feet made contact with the pavement and her heart was going wild. Her mind was spinning and she felt like she might pass out and vomit at the same time. She was running, her hair dancing behind her and the sun kissing her face. They had stopped about 160 feet after her first urgent cries, but it felt like thousands and thousands of miles. Her breath had long since gotten caught in her throat and her fingers and feet had gone completely numb. She had the time to think a million thoughts as she hurled herself through the air; maybe she was going nuts, maybe she was hallucinating, maybe it was a dream, maybe, maybe, maybe.

It wasn't.

She threw herself into his welcoming arms with such force that they both staggered but didn't fall. Tears burned the back of her eyes as she clung to him so desperately she thought her fingers might break. Her lips found his when the first tears started to fall. Electricity sparked through her, jolting her to her very core, and she was still wondering if she was going insane. His hands found her hair and got tangled in it, when she deepened the kiss, tipping her head to the side. She'd wanted it and dreamt about it for so long. Yearned for it. For him. To see his face. Feel his touch.

Evan broke the kiss first, and was grateful for his arms around her; she would have fallen if he hadn't held her up. When she met his eyes she saw a million things in them, a million questions, but what tugged at her heart the most were the tears glittering in his eyelashes. She kissed him again, and again. Daryl was forgotten. Glenn was forgotten. All there was in the world was her and Rick.

"I thought you were dead," Evan whispered into his lips. "God, I thought you were gone."

"I thought _you_ were dead."

The kiss deepened, and then turned into several shorter and softer ones. She was crying then, freely. Sobbing into his neck where she'd planted her face. Kissing his skin there, feeling her stomach and chest burn from the sensation of his skin touching hers.

She placed her hands on his cheeks, leaning back, staring deep into his eyes.

"I love you," she said evenly. He didn't have to say it back, she knew already, but he did anyway.

"I love you, Evan. God how I love you!"

Her eyes finally left his then, and she saw how dirty he was. Dried blood was splattered on his face and his stubble had gotten a lot thicker since last she saw him. His shirt was covered in blood and sweat. And yet he was the most beautiful man she had ever seen. She leaned up and kissed him again, and then heard someone clear their throat behind her.

"Oh, Glenn," she breathed and then her arms were wrapped around the young Asian instead. "I'm so fucking glad that you're alive."

"Me too, Evan. Me too."

"Evan," it was Rick who spoke, and she released Glenn. "Carl…"

"He's safe! We've got another place, for the winter. Rick, he's safe!"

His knees buckled and he fell to the pavement, sobs ripping through him. Evan was there immediately, embracing him, pressing her lips against his cheek.

"Thank you," he told her. "Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you."

"I don't want to break this reunion up," Daryl butted in suddenly. He was hovering behind them, crossbow armed, shifting from one foot to the other. "But I'm not comfortable standing out here. Let's go. We can talk about everything back at the farm."

When Evan helped Rick stand she felt real happiness again, and she knew, deep inside, that in spite of how much she'd loved Tom, it had never been like this.

* * *

The return to the farm was loud and emotional. It seemed that no one had enough words, and tears spilled from more than one pair of eyes. Since the truck only had two seats, Evan had sat with Rick on the bed of it, and the sounds of the engine had been too loud for them to speak so they had settled for just holding each other tightly, as if the other might disappear if they let go. At the house Carl had thrown himself at his father first, just like Evan had earlier. Then everyone seemed to embrace everyone, and even Daryl got a hug from Carol who was glowing with joy. He excused himself shortly after though, to go keep watch, and Evan knew it was because he felt left out. It pained her to see, because to her he was just as vital as the others. He was family too, just like the rest were.

"I can't believe you're alive," Rick mumbled into his son's hair, his arms wrapped tightly around the boy's smaller frame.

"Me neither," Carl replied. "Mom, she's…"

"I know. I'm so sorry."

Evan let out another sob, and Rick reached for her, pulling her into the embrace too. She had one arm around Rick and the other around Carl, holding them both tightly and realizing just how much she loved the both of them. Behind them Carol was talking animatedly about the farm and everything they'd done with it, and then she pulled Glenn inside, with Dale following closely behind, obviously to give the others some privacy.

For a long moment the three stood together, emotions running wild in all of them. Then they released each other from the embrace, but not completely. Rick had one arm around Carl's shoulders and the other wrapped around Evan's waist.

"I can't believe you found another farm," Rick said when Evan lead him towards the house.

"Well, you guys were here once, but because it was overrun by walkers then you didn't even try to approach it more closely. Luckily for us." Evan's voice was lighter than it had been for weeks, and the smile on Carl's lips seemed to be everlasting.

"Are you hungry?" the boy asked, leaning his head back.

"Starving," Rick confirmed.

"You should shower first, though," Evan said. "You smell."

A grin spread across Rick's features just as they entered the house. "Is that so?"

"Carl, why don't you go look through the wardrobes to see if you can find some clothes for your dad, and I'll make sure he gets rid of some of the worst grime?"

"I'll help him," Dale offered, appearing from the kitchen. He took Carl's hand in his and they headed up the stairs, where most of the clothes were still kept.

In the kitchen Evan could hear Glenn and Carol talking animatedly and, more likely than not, they were exchanging stories of how they survived. But Evan couldn't move. Her eyes had locked with Rick's, and his hands had grasped hers. Just like they always had before. And now they were there again. He was there again. Without a word she led the way to the bathroom and showed him inside. While he stepped in and took a look around she closed the door behind them. The bathroom was a fair size, but relatively old fashioned.

"The water's cold," Evan finally said. "I can get you a towel, and leave you to it."

His body was suddenly by hers, pressing her up against the door. "Don't you dare leave. Not again. Not when I finally have you back." His voice broke at the last word and she reached up to touch his cheek.

"I'm never going to leave again," she assured him. "I can't even explain how much I've missed you. How much I've wanted to have you back."

Her hands reached for the hem of his shirt, pulling it up to reveal the smooth skin of his stomach and chest. He raised his arms, to make it easier for her to rid him of the dirty fabric.

"When Glenn and I ran, trying our hardest to stay alive, you were always on my mind."

Her lips touched his briefly. Then she helped him remove his jeans; they were just as dirty as the shirt had been.

"I saw Lori," Evan mumbled, leaning in to breathe in his scent. "I saw her, and thought that you had turned too. And I felt so crushed. For Carl. Because he'd have no one. I wanted to give up, but I didn't. For him."

Admiration glowered on his features as he moved forward, kissing her jawline. "It hurt so fucking much to see her like that. To know that I failed her. But the thought of you being dead. Of Carl being dead. I didn't know how to live with it."

She pushed against him, making him move backwards just enough so that she could reach the knob of the shower. She turned it and water cascaded into the porcelain tub.

"I realized I loved you," she said. "I realized it, but you were gone. I thought I would never get to tell you."

Their movements stopped and he looked into her eyes, hands on her hips. "Promise me that you'll never leave me again."

"I promise."


	38. Thirty-seven

A/N: I'm sorry for the long time in between the chapters. Especially since it's already been written. The thing is that I'm way too busy. Genuinely. I'm moving to Japan in less than two months, there's _a lot_ to prepare and fix and sort out. I promise to try and post more chapters. I'm also contemplating on starting the second and last book in the same universe. I've finished this, and well, I do want to write the second. I wasn't planning on doing it until after I'd edited it into an original story, but... well, I can't help it. I've also turned 25 in the past few days (August 2nd). Busy, busy Bella.

* * *

Evan hovered next to the tub while Rick showered, never falling silent, words spilling from her mouth eagerly. Telling him of how she and Daryl had escaped, how they'd found the others. How they'd gone back, and seen Lori, and how Daryl had refused to let Evan just give up. She told him of their plans, and how ultimately she had decided they should stay close. She told him about the sign and the supplies. And she told him she loved him. Over and over.

Finally he turned the water off, his entire body shivering, but at least it was clean. Evan immediately handed him a towel and he wrapped it around his waist. He stepped out of the tub and Evan embraced him without a word, using the palms of her hands to rub his skin, attempting to warm him up.

"You don't have to," he said. "You're getting wet."

"It's just water," she replied. "I'm fine. You're cold."

He didn't protest as her lips pressed against his in a kiss again. It still made her lightheaded and she had to break it before the room started spinning out of control around them. There was a knock on the door and they both jumped.

"Dad? I've got some clothes for you."

"Okay, thank you."

Evan took her hands back and unlocked the door, pulling it open. "Thank you, Carl." She took the clothes he offered, gratefully.

"Carol's making dinner. She says it's going to be something special. So we can celebrate."

"We'll be right out," Rick said over Evan's shoulder. "Just let me get some clothes on."

Carl nodded and left, allowing Evan to close the door again. She held the clothes out to him. "They're not the fanciest clothes in town, but at least they're not as bad as my cat shirt."

He raised an eyebrow at her as he tugged on the underwear he'd been brought.

"It was purple. With a cat on it. I looked ridiculous."

He snorted, almost getting stuck in the red shirt he was trying to pull over his head. "I would have loved to see that. Do you still have it?"

"Oh my god no. It was hideous!" She studied him for a moment while he finished getting dressed.

"Okay. How do I look?"

"Perfect," she whispered before kissing him gently. "Now let's get out there. I want to hear everything that happened to you and Glenn. You already know what we've been through."

"I'll tell you on one condition," he started and she threw him a questioning look as she opened the door, stepping out into the hallway. "You have to fall asleep next to me tonight."

A smile spread across her lips as they headed for the kitchen. "Deal."

Everyone was already seated in there, even Daryl, and they'd placed a few candles on the table as well as on the counters. The flames cast dancing shadows that would any other day have given the room an eerie feel but right then Evan felt only comfort and security. Carol had done her best with the supplies she had and made some rice with canned vegetables to go with it. The scent was lovely though, and in that company Evan suspected even stale bread would taste heavenly. She took a seat next to Dale and opposite Carol. Rick immediately sank into the chair next to her, with Carl opposite him. Daryl and Glenn had taken the chairs at the short sides of the table.

"A toast," Dale suddenly piped up. "To friends and to hope!"

Everyone raised their glasses with tap water. "To hope," they said together.

"And to us," Carol added.

"To us!"

Even the water slipping down Evan's throat tasted wonderful. Better than it had in months.

"So tell me," Dale spoke again, "what happened to you after I grabbed Carl and ran down the stairs?"

Everyone was busy piercing the food on their plates with the forks in their hands, and yet it was obvious that they all wanted to know. Rick and Glenn exchanged a look, and then Glenn nodded.

"Lori must have tripped," Rick started. "She was unconscious, so we picked her up, and then I told you to take Carl and get out. After that we tried to get out too, and when we got to the front porch it was covered with walkers."

They were still eating, but more slowly now, hanging on to every word.

"One of them got hold of her. I tried to stop them. To save her. But I couldn't." He looked at Carl, pain written all over his features.

"It's okay," Carl assured his father. "I know you tried."

There was a short pause. "Glenn grabbed me, told me to run. And we did. I don't even know for how long, but we just kept going. And then we tried going back. To see if there was anyone else, but there were walkers everywhere. It wasn't until a few days ago that we could go back, close enough as to not be in any danger. And we saw Lori…"

Evan reached for his hand, holding it tightly. She knew the pain he felt, at least somewhat, having seen Tom meet the same fate.

"We've been holding up here and there, in different houses, and then today we decided to head towards town. And then you showed up, and I thought I'd lost my mind completely."

"I thought Evan had lost her mind when she screamed at me to stop the car," Daryl said, grinning. "She was going absolutely mental."

"I saw them. Walking along the road. What was I supposed to do?" Evan shrugged, causing the others to laugh softly.

"It was Glenn who recognized the truck. We'd hid when we heard the motor, but then he saw that it was the truck we got from… And well, we ran to the road."

The only sound that could be heard for a few minutes was their chewing. And swallowing. Evan still had her hand tightly wrapped around Rick's fingers and she had no plans on letting go anytime soon.

"I can't believe it. I actually can't. We're together again." Dale's voice was dripping with the same disbelief they all felt. "I know we've lost people, and that's terrible. But we got you two back from the dead. So to speak. That has to count for something."

"It counts for everything," Evan said quickly.

"I agree," Carol said and Carl nodded.

"The entire time we were walking, Rick switched between saying that it was hopeless and that we should just give up, and dragging me along saying we couldn't give up because we'd find you again." Glenn was leaning his face into his hand, his elbow resting on the table. He was exhausted.

"I know how you feel," Daryl said. "Evan went from thanking me for making her go on and shouting at me for making her go on. Most confusing."

There was another amused pause as they all finished their meals. As soon as all the plates were clean it was as if something shifted, and one by one they all started yawning. It wasn't very late yet, only a little gone eight, but it felt like they'd been up for months.

"Carl," Carol said suddenly. "Why don't you sleep in my room with me?"

Evan knew what she was doing, and she shook her head. "No he doesn't have to. He and Rick can have our room, I can sleep with you."

"Have you already forgotten your promise?" Rick questioned lightly, squeezing her hand a little tighter.

When Evan opened her mouth to object, Carl beat her to it. "I want to sleep in Carol's room. It's fine. Evan snores anyway."

"I do not!" The mood had turned light again and everyone laughed as Carl again insisted that she did, and with Evan denying it strongly.

Eventually though the laughter died down, and they all started getting up, ready to move on. Daryl offered to take watch, but Dale said he'd do it. Glenn said he'd clean up the table but Carol ordered him to bed, or to the couch, really. Carl volunteered to go to sleep, and Rick promised he'd be in to say goodnight in a moment, and then Evan too got up.

"I'll be in our room; it's the one to the left, next to the bathroom." She pressed her lips against Rick's swiftly and then walked out.

It felt so unreal to her, that she was there. That he was there. That she hadn't lost him after all. That he was still there. For her. For his son. For them. Evan hadn't enjoyed shouldering the responsibility of the group and she was praying that he'd be up for the job as soon as he'd gotten some sleep. The thought of getting to sleep next to him again hit her when she'd entered the room and closed the door behind her. There was a warmth at the pit of her stomach as she thought of his skin against hers, and she let out a shudder. Only hours ago she had thought she would never again get to fall asleep with her head resting on his chest and to the sound of his heartbeat, but now she would. Tears burned the back of her eyes as she let her hair out, brushing it out with her fingers. Every fiber in her being seemed to ache for him, and she started pacing, restlessly waiting for him to join her.

She didn't have to wait long. Soon the door opened and he stepped in. Evan let out a breath. She had seen him only minutes ago but yet she missed him. _Missed him_. She approached him without letting him say a single word, and kissed him eagerly. He didn't hesitate to return it. His hands fell to her hips as hers found the back of his neck. With each kiss, and with each muffled breath, she felt a decision being made in her head. And in her heart. She broke the kiss finally, breathing heavily. While looking straight into his eyes, she reached for the hem of his shirt, tugging it upwards. Just like in the bathroom earlier he raised his arms to help her. But unlike earlier there was something new in the air now. In the bathroom the only goal had been to help Rick with his clothes in order for him to get cleaned up. Now Evan wanted more. She needed more. She didn't care about what she'd said before. She didn't care about the risks. Not right then. She'd worry about it in the morning.

Her shirt was the next item to fall to the floor, and their jeans followed shortly. His lips found the nape of her neck while his hands caressed her skin slowly. Softly. He moved her to the bed without saying a single word and they fell onto it together in a tangled mess. She kissed him, again and again, letting her hands feel his skin without hesitation or shame. They had known each other for only a few months, but it felt like forever, and yet they hadn't known each other like that. Naked. Passionate. Needful. Eager. The kisses grew feverish as they moved up the bed slightly. The only pause came when Rick pulled away to glance into Evan's eyes.

"This is exactly what you didn't want," he told her softly. He needed to make it clear to her that he wasn't expecting this. It didn't matter to him if they never took that step as long as she promised to stand by him. To sleep next to him. To never leave him again.

"I know," Evan replied. "I know. And yet, I'm here. I don't think I can stop. I don't think I want to stop. I love you so much and I've missed you. I just want to be close to you. Right now. Right here. I just want to be close to you."

Her ramblings were cut short by his lips. He broke the kiss again. "Evan, you need to tell me you're sure. I don't want to do this if you're going to regret it in the morning."

Her lips trembled as she thought about it. Thought about them. About his skin on hers and his body pressed so neatly against hers – as if he fit there. As if she fit there. With him. She knew the risks and she knew what she had said. But she wouldn't regret it. Not ever. No matter what.

"I'm sure. Rick, I'm sure."

He didn't need another invitation.


	39. Thirty-eight

A/N: Sorry again, for the delay. Seriously though, I'm moving to Japan in 21 days! That's _so soon!_ And lately I've been trying to finalize everything, with the visa I have to apply for etc. But here's the next chapter and thank you guys for reading and reviewing! Please let me know if you still like it or not!

* * *

When Evan woke up the next morning something had changed. In herself. In Rick. In the world they were living in. With letting go of that last piece of control over her emotions she had allowed so much to flood through, things she hadn't even realized were still there. She had hopes and dreams still, but they had disappeared somewhere along the way, drowning in the death and sorrow only to resurface now. There was a future for them, all of them, if only they fought hard enough. She stopped being so afraid of hoping. Of loving. Of feeling at all. Evan made a vow when her eyes fluttered open to make their lives worth living, in spite of what was going on out there. Rick was still with her, his arm flung across her stomach and his face pressed into her shoulder. They'd switched places, somewhere in the night, because now Evan was the one on her back, with her arm wrapped securely around Rick. His skin felt hot and smooth against hers, and she allowed her free hand to brush over his knuckles gently. His breathing was still even and his eyes closed, so she didn't want to wake him.

A grin spread across her features as she saw their discarded clothes thrown on the floor, and all the memories of the previous night came back. She wondered where this would lead now, with her changing her mind and adjusting her priorities. Would they succumb to lust again? And again? Evan knew that getting pregnant wasn't as easy as that. Sometimes you had to try for months or years, even when you were timing the sex exactly every month. But sometimes it happened after one passionate night. Evan had let go of many of her fears and she refused to regret the night before, but it still haunted her. Bringing a baby into their world before they knew it was safe was dangerous and reckless. It was selfish. She sighed and frowned, displeased with herself for letting negative thoughts into her consciousness. At that moment she felt Rick stir slightly and then he let out a groan.

"Good morning," Evan whispered, meeting his eyes when he leaned up. "Sleep well?"

"Yes." He leaned in and kissed her briefly. "Did you?"

"Yes."

Rick moved them both until they were on their sides, facing each other. "Any regrets?"

"None." Evan entwined their fingers, pressing her forehead to his. It was hard for her to grasp that once they'd been resting like this only as friends, only for comfort, and now it was so much deeper than that. "Fear, but no regrets."

"I can accept that." He kissed her again. "No matter what happens in the future you will always have me. I will be here, to take care of anything that might be coming. I'll keep you safe. I promise."

"I know," she confirmed. "I'm trying to focus on today. On right here. Let us worry about tomorrow some other day."

He grinned. "That sounds like an excellent plan."

"Having said that though," she started, "We probably can't stay in here all day. I know we kept the volume down last night, but if we don't emerge at all today they'll know for sure."

"They already know," he assured her, chuckling now. "They're not idiots. But you are right. We should get out of bed. At some point. Relatively soon."

"I like the sound of relatively soon." She yawned slightly and squeezed her eyes shut. "There's not much to do around here though. Except show you and Glenn around and maybe come up with some more ingenious plans for the winter. But we've got most of it covered."

"You've done well," he noted. He placed a hand on her cheek and rubbed it slowly with his thumb. The sensation shot shivers up her back. "I'm so proud of you. And so grateful. You kept them safe. You kept Carl safe. He told me how good you've been with him."

"I care about him too." Evan pressed her lips against his briefly. "He's lost his mother, and you, and we didn't know if you were ever coming back. I couldn't turn my back on him. He needed someone."

"That's not all it was," Rick insisted. "Carol would have been there even if you weren't. And Dale. And even Daryl. You chose to protect him even though he wasn't your responsibility. That means a lot to me. A whole fucking lot."

Evan felt her face flush. "It felt like he was my responsibility, and I wanted him to be, because of you. Because of how much you mean to me."

Their moment of raw honesty and emotion was interrupted when Carl threw the door open and stormed in. In a scrambling panic both Evan and Rick tried to make sure that all of them were covered underneath the soft blankets, wanting to keep their modesty intact. And Carl's innocence too.

"There's a generator!" the boy shouted excitedly, seemingly oblivious of the state the adults were in. "In the basement, Daryl found it, he thinks it might work!"

"That's great," Rick said, forcing a smile. "We'll be out in a moment, Carl."

Embarrassment mixed with thrill in Evan's body as Carl nodded and left again. A generator? That would mean electricity. That would mean hot water. That would mean almost a sense of dignity.

"I don't know whether to feel ashamed or happy right now," Rick finally confessed. Evan let out a laugh, feeling the exact same way.

"I guess it's time to get up now," she mused, pushing the blankets away. Completely without shame she leaned out of bed, reaching for the t-shirt she'd worn the night before.

"I guess so."

Rick too scrambled out of bed to get dressed, and while he did Evan couldn't help but study his features. His movements. She was overcome by such a strong sense of joy that she didn't know what to do with herself. She opted for buttoning up her jeans and then strolling over to Rick, pressing her lips to the side of his neck where his skin was exposed. There was also yet another spark of hope stirring inside of her. If they had electricity too, that would make the house even safer for the winter. And maybe it would even be possible for them to remain once spring came.

"Ready?" Rick asked, turning around and embracing her.

"Yes. God I hope the generator works."

Together they left the bedroom, with Evan doing her best to flatten her tangled hair. If they got hot water she would beat the others off with a chair if it meant getting to be the first go for a shower. That thought alone was enough to make her steps hurried and Rick had to pick up the pace to stay with her. When they passed Glenn in the yard Evan just waved at him shortly, with Rick throwing the Asian an apologetic look. It wasn't until they'd made it down into the damp basement that Evan slowed down. Dale was busy messing with the large generator and Evan had to clear her throat to get his attention.

"I bet I can guess why you're here," he said, grinning. "Good news is I can get it up and running – I hope – and bad news is we're sort of low on gas. That's where Daryl's gone, to find more. Left earlier and said he'd try to be back before sundown." He wiped his hands on a dirty rag. "Carl's with Carol, by the way. In the kitchen. Told him to help her get breakfast ready for when you two decided to get up.

There was a knowing look on his face and while Evan had been embarrassed earlier, when Carl walked in on them not so dressed, she didn't flinch at Dale's teasing tone. What she and Rick had done wasn't something to be ashamed of, and she knew Dale was only playing. She did offer him a smile though.

"Are you saying that we might be able to take a hot shower tomorrow?" Before he could reply she held a hand up. "Old man, you better be sure of your answer because I'll hold you to it, so help me god!"

Both Rick and Dale started laughing. "If Daryl finds enough gas, then yes. I will work on it all night if I have to."

There was a pause, with Evan smiling widely, and she didn't fight it off when Rick wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "I'm just looking forward to the lack of candles, so we don't burn down this house too."

Dale's face visibly froze at Rick's words, and Evan's body tensed up. She exchanged a look with Dale, one that didn't go unnoticed by Rick.

"What was that?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Evan racked her brain for a lie but couldn't find one. She glanced towards Dale for help but he was pretending to be very busy with removing every last bit of dirt from under his fingernails. Rick's face had grown serious, and his arm fell from the embrace.

Finally, Evan sighed. "I'll tell you, but let's go back to the room. In private. This basement is giving me the heebie jeebies."

"What? Why?" Rick reached for her but she moved away. Stepping towards the stairs. "Are you serious? Is something wrong?"

"Just come on, I'm cold down here, and it's dark." She turned around and dashed up the stairs. She could hear Rick following her and she tried to find a way to tell him what she thought. Of her suspicions. A way that wouldn't make her sound insane but at the same time wouldn't make him lose his mind. They'd found a spark of happiness, she didn't want them to lose it yet. Not so soon after it had appeared. Being without him and thinking he was dead had almost broken her completely, now that she had him back she wanted them to at least pretend that the world was okay for a few days. So they could enjoy each other's company and their newfound intimacy. And feelings.

Rick tried speaking with her when they walked, but she just shook her head and held her hands up. They saw Glenn by the gate when they went around the house again, heading for the front porch. The questions kept hailing over Evan and she kept dodging them, insisting repeatedly on the privacy of their room. Finally he gave up and simply followed her with a grim expression on his face. Evan couldn't blame him. For all he knew she was about to tell him that she set the fire because she'd gone crazy. Carol appeared in the hallway at the same time as they did, opening her mouth, but Evan shook her head sharply. Carol's mouth fell shut and she nodded, backing away again, heading for the kitchen.

When the door was firmly closed behind them Rick put his hands on his hips, looking at her expectantly. Evan took a deep breath, rubbing her cheek with one of her hands.

"We don't know this for sure, okay? This is what I believe, but it's just a theory, and I could be wrong. I don't want you to get upset. Okay?" She reached for him but he waved her hands away.

"I'm not making any promises. What's going on?"

With a frustrated sigh she sat down on the bed, facing him still. "I think someone set the fire and brought the walkers there. With the motive of killing us."

She'd opted for just spitting it out, because she had no idea how to put it delicately. At the end of the day no matter how she presented it she was still saying that she thought someone had tried to murder all of them. Rick's face fell, and she could almost see the wheels turning. At first she thought he didn't believe her, but then she recognized the expression. He was amazed that he hadn't thought of it too. Evan bit her bottom lip nervously as Rick turned away, hands going up to rub his temples.

"Who?" he asked so suddenly she barely caught it.

"I don't know."

He turned back towards her. "Any guesses?"

"No. Do you have any?" She tugged at the hem of her shirt nervously. His voice was trembling with anger that he didn't want to throw at her.

"No," he admitted. His face softened and he fell to his knees in front of her, his hands seizing hers. "I'm sorry. I'm okay. I just can't believe I didn't see this earlier. Of course it couldn't just have been bad timing or bad luck. Of course it was someone who did that to us, to harm us."

"I didn't tell you earlier because I genuinely didn't think about it. I wasn't trying to hide it." She smiled as he held her hands to his mouth and kissed them. "I don't want this good mood to disappear. Right now things are looking up. They're looking good. Great, even. I don't want that to disappear. Not yet."

He knew what she was asking him. His right hand went to her face, stroking her cheek gently. "We won't worry about it right now," he promised. "But soon."

Evan was content enough with that. She leaned forward to kiss him, and the pit of her stomach started burning when she deepened their kiss, enjoying that gentle moment with him in complete solitude. A few minutes later she pulled away, breathing deeply.

"You drive me crazy," he whispered, pressing his lips to her jaw gently.

"I could say the same to you, sheriff."


End file.
